I always come back

... Because I'll never get better.
I'm just so fucking done. What did I do to him that he's treating me like that? Am I seriously that much useless piece of shit? Am I seriously bothering him that much because I'm fat? He probably thought that I'll look like some fucking model, that I will be perfect, that I will be just like him.
Yeah, and instead of it he gets an ugly, asocial, stupid, fat, emotional shit. No wonders he hates me. I don't know what else instead of stop eating I should do to make him shut up every time I go to the kitchen. I always refuse to eat what he'll cook, I'm trying to eat a little when he can't see me, but it's just not good enough.

I can't just live with this shit anymore. I can't. I pretend the whole day that I'm happy. I'm also pretending even on the internet, the place where I should be myself. And it's just not alright anymore. I wish I'd never born. It bothers me everyday more and more.

And I feel like everyone's leaving me. No wonders, I'm the most boring, not-interesting person I know. People can't stuck with me for more than a few weeks. And that's the record by the way. The true question is why am I even asking, when it's obvious. Everything I think of myself it's true and everyone else are just too chicken to tell me that. They hate the same things I hate about myself. I'm just meant to stay alone for the rest of my fucking life, because nothing good will ever happen to me.

I don't deserve that. There's so many people who deserve that more than me. I'm just stupid naive teenager, who thinks that it'll get better. It'll NEVER get better. I just don't believe it. It will be always there, it will be always slowly killing me inside. It'll kill me one day. So why I should keep waiting? Why not to end it all soon?

I know that sentence "You'll never know what will happen." yes, but I know myself. And I know how stupid I am. And I know that even there would be something good what should happen to me, I'll refuse it and I'll rather suffer for others' happiness. It makes me sick. But that's why I'm here. I'm not here to be happy, I'm here to try to make others happy and forget about myself completely.

And maybe I should finally give up and get used to it, maybe I should take those fucking pills what will calm me down and make me a good person with no brain. It would be fine. Only if it wouldn't hurt that much. I still cry everyday and I don't think it'll ever end. I'm stressed out and all I want is not to exist. It's just useless. I'm just another replaceable person.

And that's all I wanted to say.