JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY

You don't know how much I want it. I wanna do it so bad. Nobody would even fucking care here. Today I finally let it out. They were screaming again, they fucking came here, to this room and started just in front of me. I was between them, silent, shaking, still trying my best to stay calm. And then... I just spat out: "ALL I WANT IS FUCKING DIE" and they ignored me. I was helplessly crying, screaming and then whispering still the same sentence: "I wanna die, I wanna die for a few past years." they didn't care. They didn't say anything.

In one moment my head started spinning, all I thought about was: "Yes, finally, fucking fall down on the floor and don't wake up again." but nothing happened, my eyes just rolled and then I was still standing between them. Still was in a hell. I'm telling you, something doesn't want me to finally die. Somebody wants me to suffer and slowly dying inside before I die completely.

I just can't. I'm still trying to save something what can't be saved and I am so fucking done. All I can think about is how and when I will finally end my existence. I cry all days because of it. In a few past days I had more panic attacks than before in a fucking month. I want to end it. I don't want to be here. I'm so pissed off I can't do it. That I'm not strong enough to end it.

I even thought about that I will be somewhere at night, I will piss off some drunk psycho guy, so he would kill me or something, because I'm too chicken for that. I'm horrible human being. I don't know why someone like me has to live. Instead of me, there could be some beautiful, loving, smiling girl. Stronger than me, she would go and reach for her dreams, not like me.

I don't know when I will do it, I just know it'll be soon. I can't be saved, I'm horrible.