Hurting each other

Hello,
yes, I'm not okay, I'll never be. And that's why I'm active again. I've decided to have a little break from the internet. Not fully, but yeah. From twitter, facebook, it pissed me off. No, it didn't piss me off, I pissed off myself with all those depressive, angry and panic tweets. I thought that I take other people down with me and I couldn't stand it. I can't stand when they're worrying about me, when they're trying to help me when I know that I'm helpless. I feel so sorry for everything.

I was in a huge stress recently, mostly because of that I'm not good enough. Well, I also had to do others' very important homeworks and I cried when I wrote it. I'm not at his level. I'm not that smart as him, but he told me to do it and if I won't do it, it'll probably kill me. So, yeah. That's it. Also because I'm depressed and I wasn't at school a lot, I have to go there even when I feel like a shit, because of my grades. Also all of this shit what keeps happening to me... self harm, suicidal thoughts, eating disorder, panic attacks, depression... It's just too much.

I feel more disgusting then I ever felt. How I said, I don't eat, I skip meals and exercise a lot, because I think I'm really fat and I feel all that weight on me. I want to throw up a lot, I don't know if it's because of this, or because of the stress, maybe both. I feel like I'm bothering everyone. I don't feel good enough to even talk with someone. I can't even draw because of all of these feels. I mostly lay in my bed where I'm crying and sleeping.

Yesterday, I told myself that I have to do something about it. I've tried atleast to look happy and then I just... broke. I was crying on the floor, I wanted to throw up, I cut my thighs, like a lot. And I couldn't breathe properly, I was shaking, I couldn't do anything. I was even searching for alcohol, or cigarretes, even when I promised that I won't have one anymore, but there was nothing. I had to talk to my friend to calm down, it was early in the morning and I felt like bothering her, but she helped me. To be honest, I don't wanna know what could happen if she wasn't there.

And today wasn't better. They fought again, I was between them, she walked away then, for a whole day. I was worried about her, I was crying, fortunately, she came back while ago. But she had another fight with my sister and just ugh. I would slap my sister in that moment. But I don't want to be agressive.
She was crying and I wasn't able to do anything. But he got drunk again so I'm worried what will happen today. I'm scared. I'm worried about everyone, I don't know why they keep hurting each other, why they keep hurting me, when I'm trying to help them.

And no one of them cares about me and my feelings. No one cares about me and my suicidal thoughts. Why should they? They don't need me.

Fever

I wonder if he knows how much is he hurting me, no, I wonder if he even knows about it, when he's still drunk and acts completely like a FUCKING IDIOT. He made my life a complete nightmare. He's just using me and letting me down, he calls me useless fat and ugly bitch with no future when I can't do something for him, he tells me that I'm good for nothing and that I can't do even one thing right. Well, guess what, it's not only one thing, it's fucking a lot of things he wants me to do. I wouldn't care if it was something normal, like house work, what does every teenager... but stuff he should do himself? Stuff that has nothing to do with me? No, thank you. I'm so fucking stressed out because of it.

I wish I could just never wake up. I want to fall asleep forever. I want to be selfish for the first and last time of my life. I want to stop care too much and do it. I want to swallow all of those pills, I want to cut myself, I want to jump from the bridge... I want them to see what they did to me. I want them to realize that if they won't act normally, every person around them can end up like me.

I don't eat, I don't sleep, I don't go to school, I can't talk with my friends normally anymore, I'm trying to wear that mask, but it's not working anymore. I'm even taking a break from twitter, because I don't want to write depressive tweets and make all those wonderful people worry about me. That just sucks. People should hate me for who I am, just like I do. Then I could kill myself with no worries. The most awful thing is that I care about all of those people, I care even about them, even when they're hurting me. Maybe my existence is just a punishment for all people around me and that must end.

It's just too complicated. Everything.
I hope you feel better than me.

How long?

How long will I write these absolutely fucking stupid articles? How long will I feel like a shit? How long will they trying to destroy me? How long will I survive? How long does it take before I die?

Unfortunately, this day is even worse. He got drunk, again. She's hysterical again. I am nothing again and they ask me to solve their problems. He's telling me to get her away from him, she's screaming at me when I try to do it, hits me, because I want her to discharge her anger and after all, she thinks I'm on his side and I am tired of that poker face, silence and tears what they can't see even they're in front of them.

She's yelling at me because of some fucking eating disorder and I fucking don't care about food. I feel sick, I would throw up if I'd get something into my stomach. I fucking don't care about being healthy. For what? For longer living this shitty life? No, thank you.

Also I feel like a horrible person again, I can't help people I love, I'm causing trouble to people who like me, and I can't keep my promises, because I'm weak. My friend wanted to go out with me today, do you think I said yes? Well, I did, at first, then I thought about some excuse and send it to her. I feel so awful. I just wanted to cry and sleep and cry and sleep and maybe doing something while everyone there would be somewhere else. I think that it's absolutely obvious that I did self-harm even yesterday and I think I'll do it today too... Everything's FUCKED UP.

All I want is to not to be there.

I wish to never wake up, I wish to get a heart attack, I wish to be stronger to kill myself already. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to live this life, I don't want to be a punching bag and do nothing about it. I'm trapped and I don't see any other way out.

Hope you feel better, stay strong.

Trying to deal with the pain

And it's absolutely for nothing. I'm trying to draw, I'm trying to making fun of it, I'm trying to not to think about it, but it always come back. I'm seriously tired of everything. I'm tired of trying to live. I'm too dumb, I'll rather die alone and sad, just because I want to make them happy. They don't care about me. They don't care that I have my dreams, that I wanted to do something useful, that I wanted to show them I'm not a shitty person. But in the end, I am. And they were right.
All I do is crying. Like now. It's afternoon and I'm crying, I don't even save it for the night. I cry all days (not during school, I've got my poor mask) and I think that I can't do nothing else. I'll end up in this room, unable to do something, I'll end up like a human wreckage. And it'll be my fault. I'm the one who doesn't fight back, I don't even want to fight back. For what? For making even more fights? For making them unhappy and more angry? No, thank you.
Someone has to suffer for others' happiness and it happened to be me. Because I am stupid. But I am good for nothing, maybe just this. I let them discharge their anger on me. And I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to be quiet, but deep down it hurts like a bitch and every day I just break down in my room and cry for hours even for no reason. Everything they said, did to me, it's making me crazy. It's still there in my mind and I can get it out. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm just "surviving" somehow.
It's all the same shit. It's already boring how I keep complaining about the same things. Well, they're all the same, but everytime, it gets more huge.
The only thing I am afraid of that I'll never be able to live normally, if I'll ever leave. I don't think so. I'm that person who still goes back to the history and never gets over it. I'll never get over all of this shit. Never. It'll be still there in me, so, it just simply can't get better. That means that I don't even know what am I waiting for. I know all of this stuff that I have no future, my dreams can't come true, that I don't have any hope, I'm unusable. I know that and I'm still waiting for some miracle what will never come. How stupid. How stupid it was for someone up there to let me born. I hope he's enjoying my depressions and scars over my thighs.
It'd be really boring to have only happy people there, right? Let's make the ugliest and shittiest existence ever, she won't last long.

Oh dear Lord, how I wish to not to last long, I want to end it all. Only if I'd be strong enough to do something for my own satisfaction.

It's bigger

Bigger pain, bigger hate, bigger scars...
I don't want to lie, because I'm lying to everyone, so I'll be the honest one there. I feel like a shit. Not just because I did it again, also because they make me to feel like a shit. The only thing they can do is to scream at each other or scream at me to get their anger out. I don't fight back. Why should I? It's better this way. It's better to let them scream their hearts out at me, let them to vilify me, because they're calm after that. I'm just sitting there in silence, staring to their eyes until I can feel my tears on my cheeks. It pisses me off so much. I wish to be that strong, I don't want to cry, I wanna show them that somebody's there is okay with them and that somebody's trying to help them.
But they don't care. They'll never care. They don't know who I really am, what I actually feel, I won't let them to know it. It'd be even worse. I've tried to tell it to one of them and she told me that I'm being over-dramatic and stupid bitch. I told her that I want to die, she didn't care, she ignored it. And when I told him once, he told me: "Ha, yeah, of course, then just do it." I wish to turn back time so I could seriously do it. Turning back time, that would be awesome, I could never discover internet, I could never hurt people there and I could just die.
This actually reminds me one of my dreams, when I was about eight? My older sister had some similiar problems with self-harm and when she got over it, I had dream about myself, that I'm going to some gate (which looked like a gate to hell) and I arrived to my room (it didn't look like my actual room, everything was pink) and then I saw my future self self-harming, my younger self kicked that razor from my hand and I have to laugh how stupid I was, when I was young and I was telling my mom about this dream and I was like: "I could never do it."

And - look at me now.

I can't even work properly without doing it atleast once in a month. The fact, that I did it yesterday makes me wanna cry... I never did it this big. It was only a few scars at first and now... what the fuck is even that!? It's getting huge. It probably because of the bigger pain I feel. He made me cry again yesterday and when I stopped he came again and made me want to die. I was shaking, sobbing and he was still screaming at me how I'm working only for 20%, how dumb I am, how ugly I am, how my art isn't important, how I'll never gonna be SOMEONE.
I feel so fucked up. I wanna throw up, when I look at my existence. I hate everything about myself, my face, my body, my terrible personality and I feel sorry for everyone who met me. That's it.

Hope you're feeling better than me.

Thoughts

I thought I feel better. I always think that I feel better, but then, when I stop and think about it, I don't. I can pretend it went away, but it's still there. Forever. It's like a tattoo that I don't want and I don't have enough money to remove it.

Lately, I have another brutal thoughts about myself. It's not so long, but I didn't self-harm, for some days and I miss it. I seriously miss it. A lot of people think that it's for nothing and it's easy to stop. But it's not. You'll become addicted, cutting is like making holes to your body to let your demons go away, it's calming me down. All pain and all anger I've got in myself - I simply make myself suffer because I don't have nothing where I could let it out. I don't hate anyone enough to make him wanna suffer like I do, I'd rather keep hurting myself, it's easier.
Sometimes I think about how awesome it would actually be, if I'd let someone to beat me up, so I could just lay down and let other person to take a care of me. I want to die somewhere far far away from the others and all alone.
You know, even I keep telling that I don't want to feel like this anymore, sometimes I ask myself why do I even want it. I'm there for nothing, I'm a shitty human being, what I should do in this world, where I don't belong. Also, I am replaceable, I know I am. I don't get it why others don't want to see it, that they would actually feel better without me. That girl with depressions who keeps spoiling everything (like people's mood), that fucking burden they're worrying about wouldn't be there and everyone could finally breathe, get over it and fill that hole in their hearts with someone so much better and who is good enough. And finally, they don't need me, nobody actually needs me, they need themselves and other people who make them feel really happy, not me. And it's making me angry, because no one wants to tell me that I actually am like that.

I am who I think I am. I am ugly, fat, I spoil everything, I am awkward, I am not good enough, I am so fucking annoying, I am fake, I am everything of that and people should hate me. They should truly hate me like I hate myself so I could die and let some better person to replace me.

And that's pretty much it.

Mess

I'm sitting there again, not very sure about what I'll write. Because my mind is a mess.

Do you ever feel stupid for feeling bad?
I feel like that all the time. Also awkward. And I feel bad for feeling bad. I feel like I'm a burden for a lot of people. Especially for my friends. I don't want them to be worried about me. I don't deserve their care and they don't deserve to feel bad because of me. I am an expert in destroying everyone's mood. That's my problem. Sometimes I just can't pretend that I think positive and they feel it.

I just want them to be happy and I can't keep them happy if I'll destroy their mood with my annoying and stupid personality. I just wish to be alone sometimes, sometimes I don't want to be helped, because I don't want to be anyone else's problem, sometimes I ask myself why am I still here.

I keep talking shit about that how I just can't go on and that nothing's better and I feel worse and worse. But I never was strong enough to end it. I'm such a coward. I don't even have hope, I don't like to be alive, I don't have anything to live for, I'm bothering myself with my existence, with my breathing, with my acting, with my face, just everything.

Today I went from school earlier and when I got home, I felt sick just from being there. He just commanded me, do this and do that, do my project to my school, make these posters, give me some food, shut up, get out... I just wish him to offer my death. I'd bow and tell him: "As you wish, my lord.", I'd so do that.
I think about how he'd react, how everyone would react.

I think about it everytime. I think about who would truly miss me, who would cry, who would be happy, confused, how they'd feel about my goodbye letter (I have to mention it probably wouldn't be a goodbye letter, but a goodbye book...), I think about who would find me... on the one side, I feel really awful that I if I'd do it, I could hurt to some people, but on the other side, I could save some by it and I could save myself.

That was everything I thought about when I cried and fell asleep again in my bed. I slept for an hour, though. When I woke up, he was even pissed off because of that I'm sleeping. I couldn't be there, so I went for a walk in the rain, it was like some scene from a bad, drama, teenage movie, because hey, the weather is the same like my mood again.

The atmosphere was awful there, everyone were annoying, they were all together and so fake it actually hurt. I was just waiting for another fight. It didn't last long in the end. But it was nothing I'm not used to. So I spent all evening all alone, telling everyone to go away, because I couldn't stand anyone's presence. And I still feel so fucked up because of everything that I'm forgetting to study on tests, thinking about excuses, because I don't want to go to school and meet all of those people...

Anyways I have to keep going and I don't want to, I really don't want to. I wish to find my mask again.

Shaking hands

Hey, guess who's feeling like a shit again?

And guess who's being attention whore?

And guess who will write all those not-interesting things on my mind?

And guess who's crying right now?

I think that everyone already know the fact I actually hate myself, from the inside and also from the outside. I keep thinking why is there someone like me. I feel like my existence is completely such a waste of time and air. It was actually said to me. That if I wouldn't born, two people would have normal and happy life like everyone else. If I wouldn't born, they could be okay. Both of them. If I wouldn't ever exist, so many people would be saved. Family... friends... they'd never meet me and they'd be happy without that little fucker, who keeps complaining about her life, crying every fucking day, being suicidal...

No, just think about it. If I wouldn't exist, no one would be worried, they'd have their own problems and I wouldn't be there to make it all harder. 

Sometimes I think that was a huge mistake to tell my problems to some people... If they wouldn't know, they'd just think I've got a bad mood. I could play dumb and pretend I'm actually okay, that I live pretty normal life... Nobody would know and nobody would be worried about someone who doesn't worth it, to be honest. It's true. I know it's true.

But it won't last long... They'll get it. They'll get that they all would be happier without me, without my depression, without all of this shit. They could stop telling me all of those very kind words that I really appreciate but I'll never take them seriously, because I DON'T feel beautiful, important, useful, talented and all stuff. Simply because I AM NOTHING of it. They could stop being stressed out. I don't worth it, I seriously don't...

About a week ago, there was a huge fight again. I got hit because I wanted to. I wanted her to calm down, so I offered my face... Is it really that desperate? Anyways it worked. And I'll probably solve things like this. It works... for now. But it was a shock... of course. I had to get out. My "friend" told me that he'd help me, but I was waiting for 30 minutes and he didn't come... Well, this was pretty fucked up. I thought it'll be my last day. I didn't want to go home. I was walking around the town, crying like one sick fuck, because no one actually needed me. I didn't need myself.

After getting home, I had to listen how she screams at me about two hours. I had to listen all of this stuff that I am on HIS side, I don't know how she feels, that I pretend to be depressed, that I don't care about her, that I'm a bitch and that I'm telling everything to everyone and blah blah blah... she even told me something about being ugly and unwanted and that I'm acting like that because I can't get a boyfriend... Seriously, how fucking dumb it was. And finally, I was told that it could have been all better, if I wouldn't born...

And she was right. She was right only in this one point. I replied to everything else with screaming "go away" or whispering "you don't get it" "you get nothing" "you don't understand" "I want to die". Oh yeah, the last point, I told her I want to die. Do you think she reacted somehow? Nah, she ignored it. Maybe she said something about me being over-dramatic...

I was crying about four hours maybe... I had a horrible headache, I thought I will pass out, I wasn't able to look into her eyes and I didn't go to school another day. Because I just couldn´t.

And she acted like nothing happened... like always. It's not only her who does it. Everyone there does it. Why do I feel like I am the only one who actually fucking cares too much.

I keep asking myself - why me? What have I done. Am I that ugly, even on the inside so I deserve to suffer? Yeah, I think so. I don't know what else it could be. Some people born to be unhappy for the rest of their lives, it's not a fucking movie, it can happen and not everyone can have a happy end, and I am one of these people.

I feel so annoying... I feel so fucking fake. I keep trying to be happy, but after a few days, I'll just break down. Just like now.

I am sorry for bothering you.

I am sorry for existing.

Everything could have been better without me.

Birthday...

Well, happy fucking birthday to me.

This day is one of the worst. I think it my birthday’s fault, one one side. On the other side, it’s still me and my fucking problems. Well you know how you celebrate birthday with your family? Well, they even didn’t say „happy birthday“, only one of them. In a text message. But then nothing, when I saw her, and I won’t even mention the another one. This made me sad. Even more sad than I was before. I’m used t that that I cry every fucking moment of my life, but this was just rude. I won’t be sad because of fucking „happy birthday“, I’m sad, because I’m simply overlooked. Yet again. It’s like I’m an automatic thing that appears everytime they need me. Like a fucking robot.

I needed to get out. So I went to café with my friend and her girlfriend. Even it was fine, it made me realize how fucking lonely I am. Like everytime I see some couple. This is just a crap. It gives me no confidence at all. I feel ugly like a shit. I feel annoying, I feel so fucking awkward, so hella weird. I just hate myself and I dunno what am I complaining about when I know how many mistakes I’ve got. Nobody wants to be with that fat-ass, weird, suicide girl with no life. Who would be like that? Nobody wants this unhealthy realitionship. I would only make him sad. I would destroy him as a person. I do not deserve anyone. But I hate being alone. Well well, my fault. All of this. My fault. If I wouln’t be one ugly and annoying motherfucker…

And when I arrived home, I was so pissed off, so depressed. I needed to get out. I went with another two of my friends outside and fuck, talking about my mood made my mood even worse. And I had to pretend. ALL THE FUCKING DAY. I had that fucking mask. That mask that told people I am happy. That mask that broke hours ago and I stayed in my bed, crying like an idiot, thinking about my death what would be in the same day as my birthday so I would just simply make it easier to people around, that they'd cry only one day after in one year (well, after some years with dealing with it, or months... or days, whatevs), just like always. My hysterical crying. I didn’t care if anyone will hear me. No one will ever come, so, whatever. They gave up long ago. It’s like they almou waiting for my final breakdown.

Just a piece of crap

Yesterday, oh yes, it was awful.

And I need to get it all out, even if doesn't help no more, though. I know it may sound stupid (and yes, it was absolutely stupid), but it all started with my broken laptop, and of course, it was broken thanks to my sister who was there all the time and she's famous in breaking things. Especially computers. It's not like I would be super obsessed by computer itself, it's because I'm obsessed with people on the internet, I'm obsessed with this life what makes me wanna live. And when it's just gone, it's like there's no hope for me. It's like you lose all the people you love in the same moment, because I don't have any other way to keep in touch with them.

So, yeah, I got into the fight with my younger sister. I wouldn't be that much emotional if there wasn't a milion things to deal with and if she wouldn't piss me off so much and laugh right to my fucking face when I cried. I don't normally punch people, but when I do, it's some serious shit, of course I've started to apologize right after I did that. Do you think she accepted that? Hah, no. She punched me right in the temporal bone and it hurted that bad I think I zoned out for a while, because when I opened my eyes, my mom was there and she was screaming at us both and all I could do was to go to my room and cry and want to die. I thought about that a lot. Now I think how childish I acted. How I'm becoming a monster who I don't want to be.

I don't want to be that agressive fucker. I never was. And then there's the fear that I might act like that one day. That I won't stand it and I'll just punch people. I don't want to. I'm such a fucking bitch. If I'd be some other person I would torture myself to death, I swear. But on the other side, how should I react when my life is a complete shit, when everything is stressing me out, when I don't feel important, or nice or whathever, when I want to die and the only thing that keeps me alive is internet and all of my internet friendships out there. I wouldn't be there now. I wouldn't be writing it if I wouldn't talk to these people, who (and I don't know why) like me for who I am, even it's the worst thing about myself, though. Also I was afraid that if that one person would find out about that broken computer, he'd literally beat me up to the death. Thanks God I somehow made my laptop work for a while.

And that's why I did it again. That's why I cried for hours in my room so loudly, I don't even care if anyone hear me, no one came and no one will ever come, because my crying is clearly not some important thing because no one there cares about how do I really feel how much I do wanna die, how much this all is stressing me out. That's why I took that fucking razor from its hideout and cut my already healed thigh. I'm glad that it was only thigh. I really wanted to die, because I had no reason why to live there anymore. Well, there are some people, but I believe they'd get over this, they'd have their own lives and everything, you know. And I hate myself so much. There's no way I will ever like me. And I will start to bore everybody, sooner or later. It's true and I have a milion reasons why I should think that.

I've stayed at home again. Because of this depression and also my head hurted really bad after that punch and a lot of crying. And I'm starting to worry that I'm doing the same shit I did last year. I skipped school because I wouldn't stand it. Because all I do is crying. And I wouldn't be able to look into my friends' face and pretend I'm happy just to make them happy. Normally I can do it, but not now. I'm starting to think that I really do need those antidepressants that my aunt offered to me. I need some help. But I know that I can't tell anyone there, because they'd be like: "Oh my god, you're such a drama queen, you are the suffering one? Are you kidding me? What should I say!?" and so on. And I don't want this.

They'd be better without me, they already said something like this. All I can think of was: "be careful what you wish", but I didn't say it loud.

It's all, though. I hope you feel better than me.

Lonely and empty

Lonely. That's the word. I never felt that much lonely than I feel right now. I feel like there's no one near me who would hug me, listen to me. There's no one and I need someone so bad. I know I can't deal with this alone. Shit, I don't even know if I can deal with this at all. Probably not. It's just too much. And I know that I repeat all the things again, but I feel still the same.

I worked so hard to not to care about that pain in my chest, in my head, all over my body. I did well, though. I made this mask and I've tried not to write all of this on twitter, or my friends, because I know they'd only worry about me and I don't want them to be sad just because of ungrateful little piece of shit I am. With this mask, I felt nothing. Literally nothing. I just studied a lot, because school is really stressful for me and it worked for some while. But this mask broke up not so long ago. And I officially don't know what else I can do.

I can't even eat properly again. I feel ugly and fat again. I feel that I'm not important, again. And I can do nothing about this. I can see that my friends can work properly without me, they seem even happier when there's no one who would tell them about his problems, right? I'm trying so hard to not to look sad at school, because it would make them feel bad and I would feel even worse. But when I come home, I always end up in my bed, hidden under the covers, watching the screen and listening music, and of course, hours and hours of crying that makes my head hurt. Pills before I go to sleep are my daily routine now.

Pills... I thought about them a lot. Not like in the way I thought about them before, not like - the reason of my death, but the reason of my healing, though. Not so long ago, someone told me that he could help me. I told him everything, I've cried like a little baby and then he said that we can do it secretely, to find me a psychologist and get me pills somewhere. I felt like a crazy at first and I told myself that I have to go outside and speak to people. It helped a little. I wasn't at home that much.

But the more I am out, the more I feel the tense at home. And I feel how I'm going under. I'm falling into this hole of pain, fear and that scary death wish. I don't want this anymore and I don't know how much I can handle. I can see how much weaker I am with every newer article. I have that feeling that it's just wrong I'm there. One big mistake, my existence is just a big waste of time. Instead of someone like me, there could be someone better, someone who can do something great, who wouldn't have problems like me, who wouldn't be that ugly, weak and depressed.

Also my 17th birthday will be this Saturday and I feel bad. I feel bad because - how I said - I feel like my existence is just a big waste of time. There are people who already have some normal social life, they did something awesome, or they are already awesome and I can't see anything good about my 17 years old existence. I wish I would never born. Everything would be so much easier.

Face to face

I still feel the same.

I'm kind of pissed off. Again because of myself. I did it again. I was too weak to end it completely and instead of it I did this shit. It would be better if I wasn't too chicken yesterday. It would be better if I wasn't just hysterically crying in the bathroom and just thinking about it. I was about to do it. I seriously was about to do it... Nobody would notice it in that time. They would find out after a few hours. They still think that I'm in my room. It was a perfect moment.

And I didn't do it. I was shaking like an idiot, crying, but I didn't do it. Not fully. Told you already, I did THAT shit again. But I didn't end it. I don't know how I should feel about it. I'm probably just too weak for that. And the other day I was pissed off I didn't do it, maybe it would change things, you know.

Maybe my death would make them think about what are they doing and thanks to that they'd act better. And it'd be better place to live for the others I love. And that's all I want, or not? I want them to be happy. So why the fuck I didn't do that? It would be better then, I bet. Okay, maybe they'd be sad, but time will heal everything. And if that means they would have a bright future, I just have to do it.

I'm just too fucking selfish. That's all.

And I'm weak and I think it'll hurt. Even I know that I'm already hurted and there were milion things what made me suffer and after this bigger thing I would feel the calm, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to do it, even I know it'd be the right thing for me. There are people like me, their destiny is to end like that. And I can't do shit about it. Even if I'd want. I can't.

I would like to finally lose this fear and do it. If I was face to face with death and I will always back off and I don't wanna. All I want is to end it for others' happiness. Why the hell I can't do that? Why? This is one thing what goes to my list: What I hate about myself, which keeps getting bigger with each upcoming day. There's no way I can stop it.

I've tried to take pills again. It didn't help.
I don't think there will be something what will ever help me.
I just don't deserve that.
I'm not meant to be saved.

I always come back

... Because I'll never get better.
I'm just so fucking done. What did I do to him that he's treating me like that? Am I seriously that much useless piece of shit? Am I seriously bothering him that much because I'm fat? He probably thought that I'll look like some fucking model, that I will be perfect, that I will be just like him.
Yeah, and instead of it he gets an ugly, asocial, stupid, fat, emotional shit. No wonders he hates me. I don't know what else instead of stop eating I should do to make him shut up every time I go to the kitchen. I always refuse to eat what he'll cook, I'm trying to eat a little when he can't see me, but it's just not good enough.

I can't just live with this shit anymore. I can't. I pretend the whole day that I'm happy. I'm also pretending even on the internet, the place where I should be myself. And it's just not alright anymore. I wish I'd never born. It bothers me everyday more and more.

And I feel like everyone's leaving me. No wonders, I'm the most boring, not-interesting person I know. People can't stuck with me for more than a few weeks. And that's the record by the way. The true question is why am I even asking, when it's obvious. Everything I think of myself it's true and everyone else are just too chicken to tell me that. They hate the same things I hate about myself. I'm just meant to stay alone for the rest of my fucking life, because nothing good will ever happen to me.

I don't deserve that. There's so many people who deserve that more than me. I'm just stupid naive teenager, who thinks that it'll get better. It'll NEVER get better. I just don't believe it. It will be always there, it will be always slowly killing me inside. It'll kill me one day. So why I should keep waiting? Why not to end it all soon?

I know that sentence "You'll never know what will happen." yes, but I know myself. And I know how stupid I am. And I know that even there would be something good what should happen to me, I'll refuse it and I'll rather suffer for others' happiness. It makes me sick. But that's why I'm here. I'm not here to be happy, I'm here to try to make others happy and forget about myself completely.

And maybe I should finally give up and get used to it, maybe I should take those fucking pills what will calm me down and make me a good person with no brain. It would be fine. Only if it wouldn't hurt that much. I still cry everyday and I don't think it'll ever end. I'm stressed out and all I want is not to exist. It's just useless. I'm just another replaceable person.

And that's all I wanted to say.

It's like the death breathes on your neck

When you feel the coldness, loneliness, sadness. And when you feel absolutely useless. You'd rather choose the emptiness. Just to survive some days.

But what's the reason to survive? I mean, I almost don't have anything to fight for. I've lost a lot of my hope. I've probably gave up on my dreams, because seriously, I don't believe it could be true. I'm too dumb for that. I don't even know what I was thinking. I'm just so stupid. I'll never be good enough. I'll never be the woman I want to be. I'll never be happy. There will be those scars that'll never heal. It's all my fault. Everything. Even if I only wouldn't think I'm someone special. It'd hurt less. I would be like: "Oh, okay, it's just happening sometimes, you know, I don't even know why I'm here, so, maybe that's it."

And yeah, maybe that's it.

I'm there to suffer, to cry, to feel depressed. Because people like me exist. And I have to be one of them. There's just too much happy people around me, right? Why not me? To be that poor girl, right? I just don't fucking know how I deserved this. It's because I was mean when I was a little girl? Is it because I'm just a big dreamer? So it should show me how cruel reality is? How I won't be happy? Ever?

It's life. And sometimes... people are just born to go through hell on earth. So they're happy when they finally die. Death. What a sweet word. I can almost hear the silence, the calm, you know. That's all I want. To be finally okay, to feel nothing at all. To hear the silence, because all I can hear is neverending scream. Also my inner scream. I just feel like I could explode every minute. I would just like to scream like someone's hurting me (it'd be authentic, because I'm hurt), just to yell all those things that make me insane, just cry and never stop. And then die. Because I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.

I hate myself more and more with each other day. I can't even describe how much I'd like to rip off my fucking face and throw it into the trash can. How much I'd like to hit myself that I won't be able to breathe. I think about it A LOT. Also during the day... I was used to think about it before I went to sleep, but now I think about it more and more often. If I'd meet myself, like other person, I'll probably kill myself. This is actually how I feel all the time. I just don't care about myself anymore.

I wonder why some people keep care about me. It's just lost battle. I'm SO annoying, so awkward, so ugly, useless shit, bitch, fat-ass. I'd rather to smash my head against the wall. I keep complaining about myself, even there are people who suffer more than I do. It makes me feel sick of myself. I'm just so selfish. I want to throw up everytime I see myself in the mirror. I cry in the bathroom because of everything. I hate those little details about me. I can see only the bad about me. I think that those "good abilities" are just some kind of stupid fiction.

I would just like to end it all. It'd be better for a lot of people. It'd be better for me. But I won't do that, because, even I don't get it, there are people who care... and I'm just too weak because of that. I'd like someone to do it instead of me... because I'm too chicken for that.

I'd like to get some sleep

I'm wearing a mask.
The mask I'm grateful for, because if I wouldn't have one, I wouldn't be able to do anything. And when school started, it's super important to stay calm, just to give and illusion to people around you that you're "okay". Pft. Okay. What's even that feeling "okay"? I didn't feel something like this for a long time. And it scares me a lot actually.

Every day, when I arrive from school, it's the same. I'm going to my room, turn on the computer and stay like this all the day, because I know, if I wasn't there, I would be probably somewhere in the corner and thinking about horrible things I would do to myself. And I don't want to fall into this shit again. I fell a few times recently and I can't be more pissed off myself for that. I'm still repeating to myself, that I shouldn't do this, but when I can't see the light, it's only thing I'm able to do.

It's like I deserve this, you know. Every kind of pain, I don't know why, when I feel the pain, I just stand there and telling to myself that I deserve this. Even I don't. I really don't think that, I'm the only one person that still tries to save everything and everyone and they are not giving a shit about it. About me. I'm overlooked, I feel like an automatic thing that they know will show up everytime they're in trouble.

And I'm sick of this already. It's not my fault. It's not. But I have to save it, because I'm the only one who cares. I can't just let go something I really love. Something that's so important, my life depends on it. And that fact that no one cares about how do I feel hurts so bad, you know. I'm still naive and think it'll get better, but it doesn't. I'm waiting so many years, I don't think there's any hope left.

And that's what's running through my head recently and I can't tell. Anyone. Because they would think I'm just a crazy, moody, over-dramatic teenager. But it hurts. It seriously hurts and no one gets it. And that's why I'm trying to smile, I'm trying to act like nothing is happening, I'm trying to act like I don't think about how I should die. I'm trying to give them all this illusion.

Then, when I'm at home, I go to bed and just let it out. I'm screaming to my pillow, my eyes are full of tears and I can't stop, there's big pain in my chest, big hole in my heart that'll never fix up.

I'm choking.

And that's why I'm writing here.
Again.
You don't even wish how much I want to stop writing there, because always I write there, I feel like a shit. Just right now. I think that I've got a depression for 3 last months? With a few breaks? I don't know, but it's just too long. Too long even for me. And I'm used to keep it inside of me, suffe a lot, but I feel so broken now, like I don't have a strength to keep it up. No. I don't. I seriously don't.

You already know how do I feel about myself. That I think that I'm disqusting, useless, fat, ugly, stupid little shit. I feel like this all the time. Every fucking day. And I'm so sick of this already. But there's no way I can run away from this. There's no hope for me. No more. And with all those feelings, it got worse. I won't tell you what exactly got worse, because it's really kind of personal for internet world, but it just hurts, it hurts so bad. I didn't know that it could be worse, but it is.

It's not just a psychical pain, it's also physical right now. I feel sick, I can tell how weak I feel. How my body hurts, just like everything else. And all I can do is hiding everything.

And I'm hysterically crying every night. Just like right now. I'm trying to do my best to act normal, but sometmes it's just too much to handle. I probably start to hate that sentence "it'll be better", no it won't be better. Do you know why? Even if I'd run away, even if it wouldn't happen to me like at all, I'll still have my memory, I'll still know, deep in my heart, how bad it hurted. I'm broken and I'll never fix myself. Not fully. I'm too weak for this, I can't do that.

And that's why I did it again. That's the reason why I did that stupid thing I thought I'll never do, because I promised to a lot of people. I can't look into their eyes. But it's not that easy how it seems, you don't know how it feels like cry a fucking hour in your bath, because you feel so ugly and then you calm down after you do that THING and act like nothing happened. Then you go to sleep and cry because of every good damn reason and you can't stop. That's why I'm so tired recently, I don't get enough sleep, also two last nights I had really live nightmares.

I don't know, what I should do. I thought I should give up. I really think about it a few hours per day. I'm thinking about the ways I could end it. But I wouldn't do it. Because I care too much about people around me. And even I'm such a useless emotional shit that doesn't get love, because it doesn't deserve it, I can't do that, I'm still there for those people.

I want to be selfish bitch sometimes, but I'm not like this. I know that with my death, I would make even more problems and that's not what I need. I just have to wait, suffer, slowly die inside to be more emotionless.

I don't even talk that much with some of my friends that much, I forget to eat, I think that nobody needs me, I'm such an annoying human, I know it. There's just impossible to stay with me for a longer time, because everyone leave me. Sooner or later. It always happens. And then I ask myself "why?", and those voices in my head will answer: "Because you just don't deserve that, you're not interesting, or important, you're ugly, you're not funny, are you seriously thinking that there is someone who will like you? Ha."

I suffer by bigger anxiety, my panic attacks are happening more often, tears on my face is just totally normal thing for me and I don't even know when I had a really good mood the last time. I wish I could be that happy little girl I was. But I can't. I had to grow up too soon, I had to solve problems I shouldn't care about, I had to put all my childhood away and now I'm that asocial teenager, thanks to that. Thanks to past 6 years of changing from happy kid to emotional, depressed, burned lost soul.

I think that's all I had to say... I'm not strong enough to keep writing, because I just want to curl up in my bed and cry again, sob silently so no one can hear me. It's not like somebody would actually care... but still. I'm sorry for all the mistakes in my English, I'm too lazy to fix them.

I am wrong, I am down.

It's mine typical time for depressive thoughts. It's the time when everyone's sleeping, when there's only me, hidden in darkness in my room.

I always think about everything for so long. It always starts like that I'm just thinking about stuff what happened and then I start to think about what will happen, what could happen and so on. I think about myself too. Because that's the thing I'm not thinking of a lot in the course of a day.
I'm thinking about that why I'm being so naive and think that I will have a better life one day, when I just can't take this life. And I'm only sixteen. It's been six fucking years already.

Six years of pain. And I just don't know how long I will be able to keep this pain inside. How long I will be able to smile at the others when I cry at night and all I want to is to be someone else. I think that I'm gonna go crazy because of all of this shit. Seriously. I can see how annoying I am, how grumpy and different than I was before. And this is what brought me to panic attacks and anxiety.

It's happening to me more than I was used to. I think it all started one day when I was at grandma's and I was really depressed, because my old friends stopped to talk to me and said bad things about me behind my back. One of them probably, wrote me a message, something like I changed and I'm playing that I'm someone else to be cool. It hurted so fucking bad. I remember how I started to breath fast, went away from my laptop, started to shake, heart beated slow. I was crying on the floor. I woke up my little brother. He came to me and said: "Luce, what are you doing? Go sleep to bed." and he slept with me there, hugging me tight.

I swear, if my little brother wouldn't be there, I would give up in this moment. It always bring me tears to my eyes. And this is how my thoughts are going. Every fucking night. And I'm sick of that already. But I can't help it. So I'm just saying the same things, writing it there, annoy you with them, just to get them out of me. But it's not helping actually. So I don't even know why I'm still trying.

Actually why I'm still TRYING? It'll never be good. It'll go like this forever. This is why nobody can be with me. It'd piss him off, those depressive moods and thoughts, he would probably kill me, if I had someone. So why the fuck am I wondering if I'll find someone one day? I'll die alone. And that makes me sad. Because I can't do anything with that. Even if I tried. I can't. It's in me. Nobody can help it, though. Even I think that the only thing I really wanted was that I want to be loved, I want to know I'm important for someone.

Few days ago I had a weird dream again (maybe it's because of those "I'm gonna beat you up" messages on ask.fm - I don't really care about them already, I just want to know why someone want to beat me up, then he/she can do it, whatever.), so there were some guys and they beated me up. Like seriously beated me up. I was bleeding, everything hurted, I was almost dying. When they left, I fell asleep. And then I wasn't in my body, but I looked at myself in a hospital. And no one came. No one.

Thanks to this dream, I felt more lonely then I ever was. So before I fall asleep now, I just think about this brutal things unfortunately, about being beated up and what persons around me would do. I just really want to know, if there's really someone who would REALLY care.

But that's just my stupid thought, like everything else on this blog. So, you shouldn't even pay attention on that. Everytime I write something, I feel somehow ashamed for that. Sorry.

And now, I think I can go to sleep.
Goodnight.

Shaking.

Do you know that feel, when you're just like all alone with your thoughts? Like when you thinking about yourself, about what you're doing wrong and why is everything so fucked up?

This is exactly that moment, when I feel so lonely, so fucked up, so stressed out that I'm starting to shake. It's like... I don't even know. I just can't stop it. It's just happening. My heart beating so slow that I think that I'm going to die.

It's not because I'm cold, it's because all the shitty things what are happening. It's because that I just kept this pain locked for so long and didn't tell anyone. It's because I know that I won't feel better. Because there's no way. It's because I feel so lonely, too far away from people who could help me.

And all things I can do is curl up in my bed, forget my name, forget my face, forget that I've ever existed, cry and try to sleep.
This is what if feels like to be me in those moments.

I tried to find out why I'm shaking and I can't stop. Because I really don't wanna to tell someone, so I googled it. I found out that I probably suffer by panic attacks and anxiety. Seriously, this is the "best fucking life" what somebody can have.

Don't know what I'm gonna do with this.

Death.

I'm scared. I am so fucking scared.
When people who do you love, no matter what happen, because they were the one who created you, who gave you life... when they tell you that they want to be dead... it's horrible.
It's like... there's nothing what can make them stay. Even not the kids. I'm not surprised by my depressions when the people who gave me life had fucked up life and personalities.

I'm not afraid of death (well, maybe I am, kind of). I'm not afraid of death when it has something to do with me. It's just... I'm not too important, I never was. It's not like I'm the one who's the head of our "family". But when I'm so scared when someone I love, even I'd like to stop to love this person, say: "I wanted to kill myself yesterday. I didn't know if I should come home." it's like crashing hearts and feelings and that wet trails of tears down on your cheeks.

Aggression, fear, pain.

That's what it feels like to be at home. For everyone. There's no happiness, there's no such a thing like: "It feels like to be home.". How I said, this place where I live is just a big, cold house. With all of these feelings. I want to run away. Every fucking time. But I don't have a place where to go... And if I had, I wouldn't do it.
Because I'm just too stupid to do that.
I care to much to do that.
I'm still naive and I think it gets better, that I'll help it.
But no one feels the same way like me. We're destroyed, we're just cut into pieces. It's not a family. It's just a bunch of few different people. And between them is just biologicall bond. Nothing more.

Yes, feels. But we never showed them. And we'll never do.

I don't know how it'll end. I'm just worried that death is closer than before.