Hurting each other

Hello,
yes, I'm not okay, I'll never be. And that's why I'm active again. I've decided to have a little break from the internet. Not fully, but yeah. From twitter, facebook, it pissed me off. No, it didn't piss me off, I pissed off myself with all those depressive, angry and panic tweets. I thought that I take other people down with me and I couldn't stand it. I can't stand when they're worrying about me, when they're trying to help me when I know that I'm helpless. I feel so sorry for everything.

I was in a huge stress recently, mostly because of that I'm not good enough. Well, I also had to do others' very important homeworks and I cried when I wrote it. I'm not at his level. I'm not that smart as him, but he told me to do it and if I won't do it, it'll probably kill me. So, yeah. That's it. Also because I'm depressed and I wasn't at school a lot, I have to go there even when I feel like a shit, because of my grades. Also all of this shit what keeps happening to me... self harm, suicidal thoughts, eating disorder, panic attacks, depression... It's just too much.

I feel more disgusting then I ever felt. How I said, I don't eat, I skip meals and exercise a lot, because I think I'm really fat and I feel all that weight on me. I want to throw up a lot, I don't know if it's because of this, or because of the stress, maybe both. I feel like I'm bothering everyone. I don't feel good enough to even talk with someone. I can't even draw because of all of these feels. I mostly lay in my bed where I'm crying and sleeping.

Yesterday, I told myself that I have to do something about it. I've tried atleast to look happy and then I just... broke. I was crying on the floor, I wanted to throw up, I cut my thighs, like a lot. And I couldn't breathe properly, I was shaking, I couldn't do anything. I was even searching for alcohol, or cigarretes, even when I promised that I won't have one anymore, but there was nothing. I had to talk to my friend to calm down, it was early in the morning and I felt like bothering her, but she helped me. To be honest, I don't wanna know what could happen if she wasn't there.

And today wasn't better. They fought again, I was between them, she walked away then, for a whole day. I was worried about her, I was crying, fortunately, she came back while ago. But she had another fight with my sister and just ugh. I would slap my sister in that moment. But I don't want to be agressive.
She was crying and I wasn't able to do anything. But he got drunk again so I'm worried what will happen today. I'm scared. I'm worried about everyone, I don't know why they keep hurting each other, why they keep hurting me, when I'm trying to help them.

And no one of them cares about me and my feelings. No one cares about me and my suicidal thoughts. Why should they? They don't need me.

Fever

I wonder if he knows how much is he hurting me, no, I wonder if he even knows about it, when he's still drunk and acts completely like a FUCKING IDIOT. He made my life a complete nightmare. He's just using me and letting me down, he calls me useless fat and ugly bitch with no future when I can't do something for him, he tells me that I'm good for nothing and that I can't do even one thing right. Well, guess what, it's not only one thing, it's fucking a lot of things he wants me to do. I wouldn't care if it was something normal, like house work, what does every teenager... but stuff he should do himself? Stuff that has nothing to do with me? No, thank you. I'm so fucking stressed out because of it.

I wish I could just never wake up. I want to fall asleep forever. I want to be selfish for the first and last time of my life. I want to stop care too much and do it. I want to swallow all of those pills, I want to cut myself, I want to jump from the bridge... I want them to see what they did to me. I want them to realize that if they won't act normally, every person around them can end up like me.

I don't eat, I don't sleep, I don't go to school, I can't talk with my friends normally anymore, I'm trying to wear that mask, but it's not working anymore. I'm even taking a break from twitter, because I don't want to write depressive tweets and make all those wonderful people worry about me. That just sucks. People should hate me for who I am, just like I do. Then I could kill myself with no worries. The most awful thing is that I care about all of those people, I care even about them, even when they're hurting me. Maybe my existence is just a punishment for all people around me and that must end.

It's just too complicated. Everything.
I hope you feel better than me.

How long?

How long will I write these absolutely fucking stupid articles? How long will I feel like a shit? How long will they trying to destroy me? How long will I survive? How long does it take before I die?

Unfortunately, this day is even worse. He got drunk, again. She's hysterical again. I am nothing again and they ask me to solve their problems. He's telling me to get her away from him, she's screaming at me when I try to do it, hits me, because I want her to discharge her anger and after all, she thinks I'm on his side and I am tired of that poker face, silence and tears what they can't see even they're in front of them.

She's yelling at me because of some fucking eating disorder and I fucking don't care about food. I feel sick, I would throw up if I'd get something into my stomach. I fucking don't care about being healthy. For what? For longer living this shitty life? No, thank you.

Also I feel like a horrible person again, I can't help people I love, I'm causing trouble to people who like me, and I can't keep my promises, because I'm weak. My friend wanted to go out with me today, do you think I said yes? Well, I did, at first, then I thought about some excuse and send it to her. I feel so awful. I just wanted to cry and sleep and cry and sleep and maybe doing something while everyone there would be somewhere else. I think that it's absolutely obvious that I did self-harm even yesterday and I think I'll do it today too... Everything's FUCKED UP.

All I want is to not to be there.

I wish to never wake up, I wish to get a heart attack, I wish to be stronger to kill myself already. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to live this life, I don't want to be a punching bag and do nothing about it. I'm trapped and I don't see any other way out.

Hope you feel better, stay strong.

Lonely and empty

Lonely. That's the word. I never felt that much lonely than I feel right now. I feel like there's no one near me who would hug me, listen to me. There's no one and I need someone so bad. I know I can't deal with this alone. Shit, I don't even know if I can deal with this at all. Probably not. It's just too much. And I know that I repeat all the things again, but I feel still the same.

I worked so hard to not to care about that pain in my chest, in my head, all over my body. I did well, though. I made this mask and I've tried not to write all of this on twitter, or my friends, because I know they'd only worry about me and I don't want them to be sad just because of ungrateful little piece of shit I am. With this mask, I felt nothing. Literally nothing. I just studied a lot, because school is really stressful for me and it worked for some while. But this mask broke up not so long ago. And I officially don't know what else I can do.

I can't even eat properly again. I feel ugly and fat again. I feel that I'm not important, again. And I can do nothing about this. I can see that my friends can work properly without me, they seem even happier when there's no one who would tell them about his problems, right? I'm trying so hard to not to look sad at school, because it would make them feel bad and I would feel even worse. But when I come home, I always end up in my bed, hidden under the covers, watching the screen and listening music, and of course, hours and hours of crying that makes my head hurt. Pills before I go to sleep are my daily routine now.

Pills... I thought about them a lot. Not like in the way I thought about them before, not like - the reason of my death, but the reason of my healing, though. Not so long ago, someone told me that he could help me. I told him everything, I've cried like a little baby and then he said that we can do it secretely, to find me a psychologist and get me pills somewhere. I felt like a crazy at first and I told myself that I have to go outside and speak to people. It helped a little. I wasn't at home that much.

But the more I am out, the more I feel the tense at home. And I feel how I'm going under. I'm falling into this hole of pain, fear and that scary death wish. I don't want this anymore and I don't know how much I can handle. I can see how much weaker I am with every newer article. I have that feeling that it's just wrong I'm there. One big mistake, my existence is just a big waste of time. Instead of someone like me, there could be someone better, someone who can do something great, who wouldn't have problems like me, who wouldn't be that ugly, weak and depressed.

Also my 17th birthday will be this Saturday and I feel bad. I feel bad because - how I said - I feel like my existence is just a big waste of time. There are people who already have some normal social life, they did something awesome, or they are already awesome and I can't see anything good about my 17 years old existence. I wish I would never born. Everything would be so much easier.

I always come back

... Because I'll never get better.
I'm just so fucking done. What did I do to him that he's treating me like that? Am I seriously that much useless piece of shit? Am I seriously bothering him that much because I'm fat? He probably thought that I'll look like some fucking model, that I will be perfect, that I will be just like him.
Yeah, and instead of it he gets an ugly, asocial, stupid, fat, emotional shit. No wonders he hates me. I don't know what else instead of stop eating I should do to make him shut up every time I go to the kitchen. I always refuse to eat what he'll cook, I'm trying to eat a little when he can't see me, but it's just not good enough.

I can't just live with this shit anymore. I can't. I pretend the whole day that I'm happy. I'm also pretending even on the internet, the place where I should be myself. And it's just not alright anymore. I wish I'd never born. It bothers me everyday more and more.

And I feel like everyone's leaving me. No wonders, I'm the most boring, not-interesting person I know. People can't stuck with me for more than a few weeks. And that's the record by the way. The true question is why am I even asking, when it's obvious. Everything I think of myself it's true and everyone else are just too chicken to tell me that. They hate the same things I hate about myself. I'm just meant to stay alone for the rest of my fucking life, because nothing good will ever happen to me.

I don't deserve that. There's so many people who deserve that more than me. I'm just stupid naive teenager, who thinks that it'll get better. It'll NEVER get better. I just don't believe it. It will be always there, it will be always slowly killing me inside. It'll kill me one day. So why I should keep waiting? Why not to end it all soon?

I know that sentence "You'll never know what will happen." yes, but I know myself. And I know how stupid I am. And I know that even there would be something good what should happen to me, I'll refuse it and I'll rather suffer for others' happiness. It makes me sick. But that's why I'm here. I'm not here to be happy, I'm here to try to make others happy and forget about myself completely.

And maybe I should finally give up and get used to it, maybe I should take those fucking pills what will calm me down and make me a good person with no brain. It would be fine. Only if it wouldn't hurt that much. I still cry everyday and I don't think it'll ever end. I'm stressed out and all I want is not to exist. It's just useless. I'm just another replaceable person.

And that's all I wanted to say.

I'm choking.

And that's why I'm writing here.
Again.
You don't even wish how much I want to stop writing there, because always I write there, I feel like a shit. Just right now. I think that I've got a depression for 3 last months? With a few breaks? I don't know, but it's just too long. Too long even for me. And I'm used to keep it inside of me, suffe a lot, but I feel so broken now, like I don't have a strength to keep it up. No. I don't. I seriously don't.

You already know how do I feel about myself. That I think that I'm disqusting, useless, fat, ugly, stupid little shit. I feel like this all the time. Every fucking day. And I'm so sick of this already. But there's no way I can run away from this. There's no hope for me. No more. And with all those feelings, it got worse. I won't tell you what exactly got worse, because it's really kind of personal for internet world, but it just hurts, it hurts so bad. I didn't know that it could be worse, but it is.

It's not just a psychical pain, it's also physical right now. I feel sick, I can tell how weak I feel. How my body hurts, just like everything else. And all I can do is hiding everything.

And I'm hysterically crying every night. Just like right now. I'm trying to do my best to act normal, but sometmes it's just too much to handle. I probably start to hate that sentence "it'll be better", no it won't be better. Do you know why? Even if I'd run away, even if it wouldn't happen to me like at all, I'll still have my memory, I'll still know, deep in my heart, how bad it hurted. I'm broken and I'll never fix myself. Not fully. I'm too weak for this, I can't do that.

And that's why I did it again. That's the reason why I did that stupid thing I thought I'll never do, because I promised to a lot of people. I can't look into their eyes. But it's not that easy how it seems, you don't know how it feels like cry a fucking hour in your bath, because you feel so ugly and then you calm down after you do that THING and act like nothing happened. Then you go to sleep and cry because of every good damn reason and you can't stop. That's why I'm so tired recently, I don't get enough sleep, also two last nights I had really live nightmares.

I don't know, what I should do. I thought I should give up. I really think about it a few hours per day. I'm thinking about the ways I could end it. But I wouldn't do it. Because I care too much about people around me. And even I'm such a useless emotional shit that doesn't get love, because it doesn't deserve it, I can't do that, I'm still there for those people.

I want to be selfish bitch sometimes, but I'm not like this. I know that with my death, I would make even more problems and that's not what I need. I just have to wait, suffer, slowly die inside to be more emotionless.

I don't even talk that much with some of my friends that much, I forget to eat, I think that nobody needs me, I'm such an annoying human, I know it. There's just impossible to stay with me for a longer time, because everyone leave me. Sooner or later. It always happens. And then I ask myself "why?", and those voices in my head will answer: "Because you just don't deserve that, you're not interesting, or important, you're ugly, you're not funny, are you seriously thinking that there is someone who will like you? Ha."

I suffer by bigger anxiety, my panic attacks are happening more often, tears on my face is just totally normal thing for me and I don't even know when I had a really good mood the last time. I wish I could be that happy little girl I was. But I can't. I had to grow up too soon, I had to solve problems I shouldn't care about, I had to put all my childhood away and now I'm that asocial teenager, thanks to that. Thanks to past 6 years of changing from happy kid to emotional, depressed, burned lost soul.

I think that's all I had to say... I'm not strong enough to keep writing, because I just want to curl up in my bed and cry again, sob silently so no one can hear me. It's not like somebody would actually care... but still. I'm sorry for all the mistakes in my English, I'm too lazy to fix them.

I thought I'll never do that again.

And I did.
And fuck that.
I can't be even more pissed at myself right now. And I can't take it no more, because I'm weak, I'm fucking weak and I don't know what I should do. And because of it I did this again.
I made 2 years without self-harming and here I am again. I won't be able to look to others' faces right now. I just don't deserve to fucking be here. It's like something wants me to suffer in the worst ways for me and it just sucks. I'm not that strong as I used to be. I feel like everything could make me cry. I feel like I should stay in my room for the rest of my life. Just being here, because nobody fucking cares, alright? Nobody cares about that fucking stupid, weird, asocial girl, who isn't good enough. For NOTHING.

I am that "nothing". And I'll never stop feel like this. I can't help it. And I hate myself more now. Because I couldn't even stop. I did THAT again. And I don't know if I'll be able to stop again. It sucks. It just sucks and I don't want to be here anymore.

I didn't eat. Everytime I go to sleep I imagine how I should die. Or if I had a will to do it. It fucking sucks and I don't know how to make it stop. Again those panic attacks and anxiety. FUCK THAT. FUCK EVERYTHING.

I feel like a shit now.
And I feel like this for a really long while.

Never good enough.

Just the typical article before I go to sleep.

I'm just wondering how people just get to "good enough", you know? What the hell is even that? "Good enough". Good enough for what? For being in this fucking terrible society? It makes me so mad that there's so many people, just like me who wants to fit somewhere, where they can to be themselves. And not being ashamed for that. For that they're a little fat, or has different music taste than you and so on. What's the matter? Why the fuck people just push out those kids? I mean, what did we do to you? We're different, we don't need to listen dance music like each one of you, we like to read, we like to play video games, we like to watch series, we like to be different.

Why should we pay for that? It's stupid. I feel so ashamed for living there.I hate that fact that I just can't be like you. I can't do that to other people. I can't just throw my problems away and party all the time. I can't be mean or rude like you. People like that should think about themselves. I can't say if someone is "good enough".

Not, because I'll never be good enough. I'll never be that funny, skinny girl with the perfect boyfriend and perfect life. I'll never be popular or some shit like that. I'll never enjoy your parties. And that what makes people around me hate me, probably. That I don't want to be one of them.

And it hurts, because those people used to be my friends. It hurts, because I grew up with them. But now I'm just that not-important weird girl, you don't even have to say "hi" to her, because she's fucking awkward. I don't even know if I should be pissed off, or sad. Probably both. Because those people can't do anything else than making a hell from your life.

They'll send you anonymous messages about how stupid you are and how they want to beat you up. They'll laugh at your photos. They'll laugh at things you created and worked hard on it. They'll laugh at that you want to be something more. They'll say bad things about you, so people you never met will know you as "asocial lesbian, who thinks she's so badass and beautiful" or something like that.

Only because of that how do you look or what do you like. I just can't take it no more. They even don't know a single shit about me. They don't know what it's like to be me. I'd wish each one of them to live a one day in my life. I want them to feel that pain, that suffering, I want to see them solving my problems. I want to see them how they'll eat, when they'd be fat like I am. I want to see them laugh, when your family is broken. I want to see them going outside, when they had to take a care about people they love at home.Try to be like me, try to be like us and then fucking speak.

btw. sorry for all the mistakes in the text, English isn't my born language and I'm too tired to write it correctly.

Show me hidden in layers.

I'm never going to public in my swimsuit. Never.
Everyone look so perfect. Like fucking robots. No, seriously. I looked at those skinny girls and I thought I'm going to explode, because I said yes, when my dad asked me, if I want to go there. Even when I bought swimsuit what hide a lot, it wasn't enough.

I was so ashamed for my body like I never was. Where are those days, when I just said: "So what." and went to swim? They're gone. Forever. I was also paranoid. I thought that everyone's looking at my fat parts. It was, ugh, I just can't do it again. Don't want me to do it.

Maybe I'm not fat, but I feel this way.

Eating disorder

Yes, I think I have an eating disorder, even I thought that it'll never happen to me.
I always was like: "Oh my god, I would never stop eating, it's such a bullshit, you know. I'd rather be fat.". Well and without noticing it, I almost stopped eating. It started like that I wasn't hungry and if I was, I didn't want to eat, because it just disgusted me. Because everytime I eat something, I feel sick.

I know that I'm not that fat. And I don't know why is this happening. I'd like to eat, but I can't, you know? I eat once a day and if something good won't happen, I think my body will be soon without energy to do anything. I've got something fixed in my brain probably. Since those days people called me fat-ass, even people I thought they like me. And maybe after so many years of listening, something in my did "click" and my body changed in this way.

I don't know what to do, I think that when finally I have no problems with other people, I've got problems with me. With my health, with my personality.

What else to say, it sucks guys and I would never ever wish those things what are happening to me to my worst enemy.