Lonely and empty

Lonely. That's the word. I never felt that much lonely than I feel right now. I feel like there's no one near me who would hug me, listen to me. There's no one and I need someone so bad. I know I can't deal with this alone. Shit, I don't even know if I can deal with this at all. Probably not. It's just too much. And I know that I repeat all the things again, but I feel still the same.

I worked so hard to not to care about that pain in my chest, in my head, all over my body. I did well, though. I made this mask and I've tried not to write all of this on twitter, or my friends, because I know they'd only worry about me and I don't want them to be sad just because of ungrateful little piece of shit I am. With this mask, I felt nothing. Literally nothing. I just studied a lot, because school is really stressful for me and it worked for some while. But this mask broke up not so long ago. And I officially don't know what else I can do.

I can't even eat properly again. I feel ugly and fat again. I feel that I'm not important, again. And I can do nothing about this. I can see that my friends can work properly without me, they seem even happier when there's no one who would tell them about his problems, right? I'm trying so hard to not to look sad at school, because it would make them feel bad and I would feel even worse. But when I come home, I always end up in my bed, hidden under the covers, watching the screen and listening music, and of course, hours and hours of crying that makes my head hurt. Pills before I go to sleep are my daily routine now.

Pills... I thought about them a lot. Not like in the way I thought about them before, not like - the reason of my death, but the reason of my healing, though. Not so long ago, someone told me that he could help me. I told him everything, I've cried like a little baby and then he said that we can do it secretely, to find me a psychologist and get me pills somewhere. I felt like a crazy at first and I told myself that I have to go outside and speak to people. It helped a little. I wasn't at home that much.

But the more I am out, the more I feel the tense at home. And I feel how I'm going under. I'm falling into this hole of pain, fear and that scary death wish. I don't want this anymore and I don't know how much I can handle. I can see how much weaker I am with every newer article. I have that feeling that it's just wrong I'm there. One big mistake, my existence is just a big waste of time. Instead of someone like me, there could be someone better, someone who can do something great, who wouldn't have problems like me, who wouldn't be that ugly, weak and depressed.

Also my 17th birthday will be this Saturday and I feel bad. I feel bad because - how I said - I feel like my existence is just a big waste of time. There are people who already have some normal social life, they did something awesome, or they are already awesome and I can't see anything good about my 17 years old existence. I wish I would never born. Everything would be so much easier.