Being single

... is it really THAT BIG deal?
I feel a little bit better today. Well, day is still grey but it stopped raining for a while. I was at my grandma's place today and everyone were asking me about some boyfriend. Of course I have nothing I could tell them. Nobody wants me and I'm not suprised. Like at all. Who would want depressed, suicidal, weird, ugly and fat girl? My grandparents and others are just trying to be kind. They know that I'm all of these things. Well, they don't know about suicidal thoughts and stuff, maybe they think about it, because they know I'm still sad, but back to the topic. Then they were talking to my younger sister and well, she's the exact opposite. She's really beautiful, she can talk with people, she looks like a model and every guy I know likes her. So I was just sitting there and wondering, if I'll come to them one day and tell them that I found someone.

Probably not. Because I don't believe in it anymore. Every girl I know had atleast one boyfriend already, but I was just still the single one. I still think that when I'm seventeen I have a lot of time to find someone, but just look at these times. Eleven-years-old kids date and they're being completely adult and I'm there like - well, that sucks, I'm more kid than them. Because I'm weird. I can't stop being awkward and I know that I won't have anyone with this kind of attitude.

And even if some miracle would happen, I'd totally destroy that guy. I have really bad days and everything is so complicated, sometimes I'm not able to go out, sometimes I just don't want to speak. And my depression and self-harm isn't a good thing. If he'd know about it, he'd tell me I'm a crazy and disgusting and he'd leave me, or he'd try to help me and he wouldn't stand it and he'd drown with me and I don't want this kind of shit, I don't want to hurt someone. So maybe he'd realize it and leave me, or I'd leave him just for his own good. Anyways, it would end up really bad and that's what scares me.

I get attached to people really fast and deeply. So I feel horrible when they stop talking to me. And if someone would leave me, someone I really love I don't know what would happen to me. I'd be probably even more depressed and I could even try to kill myself. So, yeah, it's a huge risk to date someone like me. No wonders I don't have anyone. Those guys are smart.

Of course I have those times (really often), when I feel so alone and I want to have someone this close, but I'm scared. I'm scared of everything what could happen. This is why I'm alone, people around me probably know it. So I've started to think that it's my destiny to die all alone. I won't have husband, children... I'm not that kind of person. I can dream about it, but that's all I can do.

I can't go out and wear that mask and trying to talk to people, acting like someone else and then living for the rest of my life as someone I am not, just because of people around me, who would like this fake side of me. I doubt there would be someone who would accept the real me, who thinks all the time about ways of killing herself. Who can't accept any kind of compliment. Who truly hates herself.

And that's my problem in love life.

Fever

I wonder if he knows how much is he hurting me, no, I wonder if he even knows about it, when he's still drunk and acts completely like a FUCKING IDIOT. He made my life a complete nightmare. He's just using me and letting me down, he calls me useless fat and ugly bitch with no future when I can't do something for him, he tells me that I'm good for nothing and that I can't do even one thing right. Well, guess what, it's not only one thing, it's fucking a lot of things he wants me to do. I wouldn't care if it was something normal, like house work, what does every teenager... but stuff he should do himself? Stuff that has nothing to do with me? No, thank you. I'm so fucking stressed out because of it.

I wish I could just never wake up. I want to fall asleep forever. I want to be selfish for the first and last time of my life. I want to stop care too much and do it. I want to swallow all of those pills, I want to cut myself, I want to jump from the bridge... I want them to see what they did to me. I want them to realize that if they won't act normally, every person around them can end up like me.

I don't eat, I don't sleep, I don't go to school, I can't talk with my friends normally anymore, I'm trying to wear that mask, but it's not working anymore. I'm even taking a break from twitter, because I don't want to write depressive tweets and make all those wonderful people worry about me. That just sucks. People should hate me for who I am, just like I do. Then I could kill myself with no worries. The most awful thing is that I care about all of those people, I care even about them, even when they're hurting me. Maybe my existence is just a punishment for all people around me and that must end.

It's just too complicated. Everything.
I hope you feel better than me.

How long?

How long will I write these absolutely fucking stupid articles? How long will I feel like a shit? How long will they trying to destroy me? How long will I survive? How long does it take before I die?

Unfortunately, this day is even worse. He got drunk, again. She's hysterical again. I am nothing again and they ask me to solve their problems. He's telling me to get her away from him, she's screaming at me when I try to do it, hits me, because I want her to discharge her anger and after all, she thinks I'm on his side and I am tired of that poker face, silence and tears what they can't see even they're in front of them.

She's yelling at me because of some fucking eating disorder and I fucking don't care about food. I feel sick, I would throw up if I'd get something into my stomach. I fucking don't care about being healthy. For what? For longer living this shitty life? No, thank you.

Also I feel like a horrible person again, I can't help people I love, I'm causing trouble to people who like me, and I can't keep my promises, because I'm weak. My friend wanted to go out with me today, do you think I said yes? Well, I did, at first, then I thought about some excuse and send it to her. I feel so awful. I just wanted to cry and sleep and cry and sleep and maybe doing something while everyone there would be somewhere else. I think that it's absolutely obvious that I did self-harm even yesterday and I think I'll do it today too... Everything's FUCKED UP.

All I want is to not to be there.

I wish to never wake up, I wish to get a heart attack, I wish to be stronger to kill myself already. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to live this life, I don't want to be a punching bag and do nothing about it. I'm trapped and I don't see any other way out.

Hope you feel better, stay strong.

Trying to deal with the pain

And it's absolutely for nothing. I'm trying to draw, I'm trying to making fun of it, I'm trying to not to think about it, but it always come back. I'm seriously tired of everything. I'm tired of trying to live. I'm too dumb, I'll rather die alone and sad, just because I want to make them happy. They don't care about me. They don't care that I have my dreams, that I wanted to do something useful, that I wanted to show them I'm not a shitty person. But in the end, I am. And they were right.
All I do is crying. Like now. It's afternoon and I'm crying, I don't even save it for the night. I cry all days (not during school, I've got my poor mask) and I think that I can't do nothing else. I'll end up in this room, unable to do something, I'll end up like a human wreckage. And it'll be my fault. I'm the one who doesn't fight back, I don't even want to fight back. For what? For making even more fights? For making them unhappy and more angry? No, thank you.
Someone has to suffer for others' happiness and it happened to be me. Because I am stupid. But I am good for nothing, maybe just this. I let them discharge their anger on me. And I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to be quiet, but deep down it hurts like a bitch and every day I just break down in my room and cry for hours even for no reason. Everything they said, did to me, it's making me crazy. It's still there in my mind and I can get it out. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm just "surviving" somehow.
It's all the same shit. It's already boring how I keep complaining about the same things. Well, they're all the same, but everytime, it gets more huge.
The only thing I am afraid of that I'll never be able to live normally, if I'll ever leave. I don't think so. I'm that person who still goes back to the history and never gets over it. I'll never get over all of this shit. Never. It'll be still there in me, so, it just simply can't get better. That means that I don't even know what am I waiting for. I know all of this stuff that I have no future, my dreams can't come true, that I don't have any hope, I'm unusable. I know that and I'm still waiting for some miracle what will never come. How stupid. How stupid it was for someone up there to let me born. I hope he's enjoying my depressions and scars over my thighs.
It'd be really boring to have only happy people there, right? Let's make the ugliest and shittiest existence ever, she won't last long.

Oh dear Lord, how I wish to not to last long, I want to end it all. Only if I'd be strong enough to do something for my own satisfaction.

It's bigger

Bigger pain, bigger hate, bigger scars...
I don't want to lie, because I'm lying to everyone, so I'll be the honest one there. I feel like a shit. Not just because I did it again, also because they make me to feel like a shit. The only thing they can do is to scream at each other or scream at me to get their anger out. I don't fight back. Why should I? It's better this way. It's better to let them scream their hearts out at me, let them to vilify me, because they're calm after that. I'm just sitting there in silence, staring to their eyes until I can feel my tears on my cheeks. It pisses me off so much. I wish to be that strong, I don't want to cry, I wanna show them that somebody's there is okay with them and that somebody's trying to help them.
But they don't care. They'll never care. They don't know who I really am, what I actually feel, I won't let them to know it. It'd be even worse. I've tried to tell it to one of them and she told me that I'm being over-dramatic and stupid bitch. I told her that I want to die, she didn't care, she ignored it. And when I told him once, he told me: "Ha, yeah, of course, then just do it." I wish to turn back time so I could seriously do it. Turning back time, that would be awesome, I could never discover internet, I could never hurt people there and I could just die.
This actually reminds me one of my dreams, when I was about eight? My older sister had some similiar problems with self-harm and when she got over it, I had dream about myself, that I'm going to some gate (which looked like a gate to hell) and I arrived to my room (it didn't look like my actual room, everything was pink) and then I saw my future self self-harming, my younger self kicked that razor from my hand and I have to laugh how stupid I was, when I was young and I was telling my mom about this dream and I was like: "I could never do it."

And - look at me now.

I can't even work properly without doing it atleast once in a month. The fact, that I did it yesterday makes me wanna cry... I never did it this big. It was only a few scars at first and now... what the fuck is even that!? It's getting huge. It probably because of the bigger pain I feel. He made me cry again yesterday and when I stopped he came again and made me want to die. I was shaking, sobbing and he was still screaming at me how I'm working only for 20%, how dumb I am, how ugly I am, how my art isn't important, how I'll never gonna be SOMEONE.
I feel so fucked up. I wanna throw up, when I look at my existence. I hate everything about myself, my face, my body, my terrible personality and I feel sorry for everyone who met me. That's it.

Hope you're feeling better than me.

Thoughts

I thought I feel better. I always think that I feel better, but then, when I stop and think about it, I don't. I can pretend it went away, but it's still there. Forever. It's like a tattoo that I don't want and I don't have enough money to remove it.

Lately, I have another brutal thoughts about myself. It's not so long, but I didn't self-harm, for some days and I miss it. I seriously miss it. A lot of people think that it's for nothing and it's easy to stop. But it's not. You'll become addicted, cutting is like making holes to your body to let your demons go away, it's calming me down. All pain and all anger I've got in myself - I simply make myself suffer because I don't have nothing where I could let it out. I don't hate anyone enough to make him wanna suffer like I do, I'd rather keep hurting myself, it's easier.
Sometimes I think about how awesome it would actually be, if I'd let someone to beat me up, so I could just lay down and let other person to take a care of me. I want to die somewhere far far away from the others and all alone.
You know, even I keep telling that I don't want to feel like this anymore, sometimes I ask myself why do I even want it. I'm there for nothing, I'm a shitty human being, what I should do in this world, where I don't belong. Also, I am replaceable, I know I am. I don't get it why others don't want to see it, that they would actually feel better without me. That girl with depressions who keeps spoiling everything (like people's mood), that fucking burden they're worrying about wouldn't be there and everyone could finally breathe, get over it and fill that hole in their hearts with someone so much better and who is good enough. And finally, they don't need me, nobody actually needs me, they need themselves and other people who make them feel really happy, not me. And it's making me angry, because no one wants to tell me that I actually am like that.

I am who I think I am. I am ugly, fat, I spoil everything, I am awkward, I am not good enough, I am so fucking annoying, I am fake, I am everything of that and people should hate me. They should truly hate me like I hate myself so I could die and let some better person to replace me.

And that's pretty much it.

Shaking hands

Hey, guess who's feeling like a shit again?

And guess who's being attention whore?

And guess who will write all those not-interesting things on my mind?

And guess who's crying right now?

I think that everyone already know the fact I actually hate myself, from the inside and also from the outside. I keep thinking why is there someone like me. I feel like my existence is completely such a waste of time and air. It was actually said to me. That if I wouldn't born, two people would have normal and happy life like everyone else. If I wouldn't born, they could be okay. Both of them. If I wouldn't ever exist, so many people would be saved. Family... friends... they'd never meet me and they'd be happy without that little fucker, who keeps complaining about her life, crying every fucking day, being suicidal...

No, just think about it. If I wouldn't exist, no one would be worried, they'd have their own problems and I wouldn't be there to make it all harder. 

Sometimes I think that was a huge mistake to tell my problems to some people... If they wouldn't know, they'd just think I've got a bad mood. I could play dumb and pretend I'm actually okay, that I live pretty normal life... Nobody would know and nobody would be worried about someone who doesn't worth it, to be honest. It's true. I know it's true.

But it won't last long... They'll get it. They'll get that they all would be happier without me, without my depression, without all of this shit. They could stop telling me all of those very kind words that I really appreciate but I'll never take them seriously, because I DON'T feel beautiful, important, useful, talented and all stuff. Simply because I AM NOTHING of it. They could stop being stressed out. I don't worth it, I seriously don't...

About a week ago, there was a huge fight again. I got hit because I wanted to. I wanted her to calm down, so I offered my face... Is it really that desperate? Anyways it worked. And I'll probably solve things like this. It works... for now. But it was a shock... of course. I had to get out. My "friend" told me that he'd help me, but I was waiting for 30 minutes and he didn't come... Well, this was pretty fucked up. I thought it'll be my last day. I didn't want to go home. I was walking around the town, crying like one sick fuck, because no one actually needed me. I didn't need myself.

After getting home, I had to listen how she screams at me about two hours. I had to listen all of this stuff that I am on HIS side, I don't know how she feels, that I pretend to be depressed, that I don't care about her, that I'm a bitch and that I'm telling everything to everyone and blah blah blah... she even told me something about being ugly and unwanted and that I'm acting like that because I can't get a boyfriend... Seriously, how fucking dumb it was. And finally, I was told that it could have been all better, if I wouldn't born...

And she was right. She was right only in this one point. I replied to everything else with screaming "go away" or whispering "you don't get it" "you get nothing" "you don't understand" "I want to die". Oh yeah, the last point, I told her I want to die. Do you think she reacted somehow? Nah, she ignored it. Maybe she said something about me being over-dramatic...

I was crying about four hours maybe... I had a horrible headache, I thought I will pass out, I wasn't able to look into her eyes and I didn't go to school another day. Because I just couldn´t.

And she acted like nothing happened... like always. It's not only her who does it. Everyone there does it. Why do I feel like I am the only one who actually fucking cares too much.

I keep asking myself - why me? What have I done. Am I that ugly, even on the inside so I deserve to suffer? Yeah, I think so. I don't know what else it could be. Some people born to be unhappy for the rest of their lives, it's not a fucking movie, it can happen and not everyone can have a happy end, and I am one of these people.

I feel so annoying... I feel so fucking fake. I keep trying to be happy, but after a few days, I'll just break down. Just like now.

I am sorry for bothering you.

I am sorry for existing.

Everything could have been better without me.

Needed to get it out again

They should lock me somewhere. So I could stop ruining people's happiness. I should have never born. I should have never join the internet. I feel like it was a mistake even if it is not. Like... I don't know how to describe this, but I feel like everyone would feel better if they wouldn't even know that I exist. I'm starting to think that I should delete all of my accounts and so on, you know. But it's just too late. I know I wouldn't be able to leave these people even I'm hurting them and they don't see it.

Today was another terrible day. I feel like a shit. Yet again. The mask. I spent some time with my friend, but when she started to complain about those girly things about guys I sighed and started to realize how alone I am again. It's not like I just need boyfriend to make people around me stare, but because I don't want to feel alone. I need hugs, I just need to lay in silence, listen to music and cry in someone's arms like I did it when I was little. But I'm not little anymore and nobody cares if I cry because it's just everyday stuff.

So I went home like this and there was that one drunk motherfucker who pissed me off so much so I've told him the true and he said this to me: "You fucking bitch, you're pissing me off, get the fuck out I don't want to see you." I went to the bathroom and.. well... cut my wrist this time, which is pretty fucking stupid becaue what the hell, I need to hide it all the time... but I needed to get out of the house again. I texted to my friend and I couldn't stand it when I saw him and I cried like an idiot in front of him. We were walking around the town and he tried to cheer me up, but it didn't work actually.

And like if it wasn't enough he started to talk about realitionships and what kind of realitionship we have and what realitionship he had with his ex and how he thinks about her, so mostly - I had to listen to his problems and I was thinking about mine. So I went home earlier.

I was glad he was sleeping.

So now I'm there, crying because of loneliness and because I'm unmature ugly shit with no life that doesn't want to wear that mask tomorrow. Goodbye.

JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY

You don't know how much I want it. I wanna do it so bad. Nobody would even fucking care here. Today I finally let it out. They were screaming again, they fucking came here, to this room and started just in front of me. I was between them, silent, shaking, still trying my best to stay calm. And then... I just spat out: "ALL I WANT IS FUCKING DIE" and they ignored me. I was helplessly crying, screaming and then whispering still the same sentence: "I wanna die, I wanna die for a few past years." they didn't care. They didn't say anything.

In one moment my head started spinning, all I thought about was: "Yes, finally, fucking fall down on the floor and don't wake up again." but nothing happened, my eyes just rolled and then I was still standing between them. Still was in a hell. I'm telling you, something doesn't want me to finally die. Somebody wants me to suffer and slowly dying inside before I die completely.

I just can't. I'm still trying to save something what can't be saved and I am so fucking done. All I can think about is how and when I will finally end my existence. I cry all days because of it. In a few past days I had more panic attacks than before in a fucking month. I want to end it. I don't want to be here. I'm so pissed off I can't do it. That I'm not strong enough to end it.

I even thought about that I will be somewhere at night, I will piss off some drunk psycho guy, so he would kill me or something, because I'm too chicken for that. I'm horrible human being. I don't know why someone like me has to live. Instead of me, there could be some beautiful, loving, smiling girl. Stronger than me, she would go and reach for her dreams, not like me.

I don't know when I will do it, I just know it'll be soon. I can't be saved, I'm horrible.

Face to face

I still feel the same.

I'm kind of pissed off. Again because of myself. I did it again. I was too weak to end it completely and instead of it I did this shit. It would be better if I wasn't too chicken yesterday. It would be better if I wasn't just hysterically crying in the bathroom and just thinking about it. I was about to do it. I seriously was about to do it... Nobody would notice it in that time. They would find out after a few hours. They still think that I'm in my room. It was a perfect moment.

And I didn't do it. I was shaking like an idiot, crying, but I didn't do it. Not fully. Told you already, I did THAT shit again. But I didn't end it. I don't know how I should feel about it. I'm probably just too weak for that. And the other day I was pissed off I didn't do it, maybe it would change things, you know.

Maybe my death would make them think about what are they doing and thanks to that they'd act better. And it'd be better place to live for the others I love. And that's all I want, or not? I want them to be happy. So why the fuck I didn't do that? It would be better then, I bet. Okay, maybe they'd be sad, but time will heal everything. And if that means they would have a bright future, I just have to do it.

I'm just too fucking selfish. That's all.

And I'm weak and I think it'll hurt. Even I know that I'm already hurted and there were milion things what made me suffer and after this bigger thing I would feel the calm, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to do it, even I know it'd be the right thing for me. There are people like me, their destiny is to end like that. And I can't do shit about it. Even if I'd want. I can't.

I would like to finally lose this fear and do it. If I was face to face with death and I will always back off and I don't wanna. All I want is to end it for others' happiness. Why the hell I can't do that? Why? This is one thing what goes to my list: What I hate about myself, which keeps getting bigger with each upcoming day. There's no way I can stop it.

I've tried to take pills again. It didn't help.
I don't think there will be something what will ever help me.
I just don't deserve that.
I'm not meant to be saved.

I'm choking.

And that's why I'm writing here.
Again.
You don't even wish how much I want to stop writing there, because always I write there, I feel like a shit. Just right now. I think that I've got a depression for 3 last months? With a few breaks? I don't know, but it's just too long. Too long even for me. And I'm used to keep it inside of me, suffe a lot, but I feel so broken now, like I don't have a strength to keep it up. No. I don't. I seriously don't.

You already know how do I feel about myself. That I think that I'm disqusting, useless, fat, ugly, stupid little shit. I feel like this all the time. Every fucking day. And I'm so sick of this already. But there's no way I can run away from this. There's no hope for me. No more. And with all those feelings, it got worse. I won't tell you what exactly got worse, because it's really kind of personal for internet world, but it just hurts, it hurts so bad. I didn't know that it could be worse, but it is.

It's not just a psychical pain, it's also physical right now. I feel sick, I can tell how weak I feel. How my body hurts, just like everything else. And all I can do is hiding everything.

And I'm hysterically crying every night. Just like right now. I'm trying to do my best to act normal, but sometmes it's just too much to handle. I probably start to hate that sentence "it'll be better", no it won't be better. Do you know why? Even if I'd run away, even if it wouldn't happen to me like at all, I'll still have my memory, I'll still know, deep in my heart, how bad it hurted. I'm broken and I'll never fix myself. Not fully. I'm too weak for this, I can't do that.

And that's why I did it again. That's the reason why I did that stupid thing I thought I'll never do, because I promised to a lot of people. I can't look into their eyes. But it's not that easy how it seems, you don't know how it feels like cry a fucking hour in your bath, because you feel so ugly and then you calm down after you do that THING and act like nothing happened. Then you go to sleep and cry because of every good damn reason and you can't stop. That's why I'm so tired recently, I don't get enough sleep, also two last nights I had really live nightmares.

I don't know, what I should do. I thought I should give up. I really think about it a few hours per day. I'm thinking about the ways I could end it. But I wouldn't do it. Because I care too much about people around me. And even I'm such a useless emotional shit that doesn't get love, because it doesn't deserve it, I can't do that, I'm still there for those people.

I want to be selfish bitch sometimes, but I'm not like this. I know that with my death, I would make even more problems and that's not what I need. I just have to wait, suffer, slowly die inside to be more emotionless.

I don't even talk that much with some of my friends that much, I forget to eat, I think that nobody needs me, I'm such an annoying human, I know it. There's just impossible to stay with me for a longer time, because everyone leave me. Sooner or later. It always happens. And then I ask myself "why?", and those voices in my head will answer: "Because you just don't deserve that, you're not interesting, or important, you're ugly, you're not funny, are you seriously thinking that there is someone who will like you? Ha."

I suffer by bigger anxiety, my panic attacks are happening more often, tears on my face is just totally normal thing for me and I don't even know when I had a really good mood the last time. I wish I could be that happy little girl I was. But I can't. I had to grow up too soon, I had to solve problems I shouldn't care about, I had to put all my childhood away and now I'm that asocial teenager, thanks to that. Thanks to past 6 years of changing from happy kid to emotional, depressed, burned lost soul.

I think that's all I had to say... I'm not strong enough to keep writing, because I just want to curl up in my bed and cry again, sob silently so no one can hear me. It's not like somebody would actually care... but still. I'm sorry for all the mistakes in my English, I'm too lazy to fix them.

I thought I'll never do that again.

And I did.
And fuck that.
I can't be even more pissed at myself right now. And I can't take it no more, because I'm weak, I'm fucking weak and I don't know what I should do. And because of it I did this again.
I made 2 years without self-harming and here I am again. I won't be able to look to others' faces right now. I just don't deserve to fucking be here. It's like something wants me to suffer in the worst ways for me and it just sucks. I'm not that strong as I used to be. I feel like everything could make me cry. I feel like I should stay in my room for the rest of my life. Just being here, because nobody fucking cares, alright? Nobody cares about that fucking stupid, weird, asocial girl, who isn't good enough. For NOTHING.

I am that "nothing". And I'll never stop feel like this. I can't help it. And I hate myself more now. Because I couldn't even stop. I did THAT again. And I don't know if I'll be able to stop again. It sucks. It just sucks and I don't want to be here anymore.

I didn't eat. Everytime I go to sleep I imagine how I should die. Or if I had a will to do it. It fucking sucks and I don't know how to make it stop. Again those panic attacks and anxiety. FUCK THAT. FUCK EVERYTHING.

I feel like a shit now.
And I feel like this for a really long while.