And I need to get it all out, even if doesn't help no more, though. I know it may sound stupid (and yes, it was absolutely stupid), but it all started with my broken laptop, and of course, it was broken thanks to my sister who was there all the time and she's famous in breaking things. Especially computers. It's not like I would be super obsessed by computer itself, it's because I'm obsessed with people on the internet, I'm obsessed with this life what makes me wanna live. And when it's just gone, it's like there's no hope for me. It's like you lose all the people you love in the same moment, because I don't have any other way to keep in touch with them.
So, yeah, I got into the fight with my younger sister. I wouldn't be that much emotional if there wasn't a milion things to deal with and if she wouldn't piss me off so much and laugh right to my fucking face when I cried. I don't normally punch people, but when I do, it's some serious shit, of course I've started to apologize right after I did that. Do you think she accepted that? Hah, no. She punched me right in the temporal bone and it hurted that bad I think I zoned out for a while, because when I opened my eyes, my mom was there and she was screaming at us both and all I could do was to go to my room and cry and want to die. I thought about that a lot. Now I think how childish I acted. How I'm becoming a monster who I don't want to be.
I don't want to be that agressive fucker. I never was. And then there's the fear that I might act like that one day. That I won't stand it and I'll just punch people. I don't want to. I'm such a fucking bitch. If I'd be some other person I would torture myself to death, I swear. But on the other side, how should I react when my life is a complete shit, when everything is stressing me out, when I don't feel important, or nice or whathever, when I want to die and the only thing that keeps me alive is internet and all of my internet friendships out there. I wouldn't be there now. I wouldn't be writing it if I wouldn't talk to these people, who (and I don't know why) like me for who I am, even it's the worst thing about myself, though. Also I was afraid that if that one person would find out about that broken computer, he'd literally beat me up to the death.
And that's why I did it again. That's why I cried for hours in my room so loudly, I don't even care if anyone hear me, no one came and no one will ever come, because my crying is clearly not some important thing because no one there cares about how do I really feel how much I do wanna die, how much this all is stressing me out. That's why I took that fucking razor from its hideout and cut my already healed thigh. I'm glad that it was only thigh. I really wanted to die, because I had no reason why to live there anymore. Well, there are some people, but I believe they'd get over this, they'd have their own lives and everything, you know. And I hate myself so much. There's no way I will ever like me. And I will start to bore everybody, sooner or later. It's true and I have a milion reasons why I should think that.
I've stayed at home again. Because of this depression and also my head hurted really bad after that punch and a lot of crying. And I'm starting to worry that I'm doing the same shit I did last year. I skipped school because I wouldn't stand it. Because all I do is crying. And I wouldn't be able to look into my friends' face and pretend I'm happy just to make them happy. Normally I can do it, but not now. I'm starting to think that I really do need those antidepressants that my aunt offered to me. I need some help. But I know that I can't tell anyone there, because they'd be like: "Oh my god, you're such a drama queen, you are the suffering one? Are you kidding me? What should I say!?" and so on. And I don't want this.
They'd be better without me, they already said something like this. All I can think of was: "be careful what you wish", but I didn't say it loud.
It's all, though. I hope you feel better than me.
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