Just a piece of crap

Yesterday, oh yes, it was awful.

And I need to get it all out, even if doesn't help no more, though. I know it may sound stupid (and yes, it was absolutely stupid), but it all started with my broken laptop, and of course, it was broken thanks to my sister who was there all the time and she's famous in breaking things. Especially computers. It's not like I would be super obsessed by computer itself, it's because I'm obsessed with people on the internet, I'm obsessed with this life what makes me wanna live. And when it's just gone, it's like there's no hope for me. It's like you lose all the people you love in the same moment, because I don't have any other way to keep in touch with them.

So, yeah, I got into the fight with my younger sister. I wouldn't be that much emotional if there wasn't a milion things to deal with and if she wouldn't piss me off so much and laugh right to my fucking face when I cried. I don't normally punch people, but when I do, it's some serious shit, of course I've started to apologize right after I did that. Do you think she accepted that? Hah, no. She punched me right in the temporal bone and it hurted that bad I think I zoned out for a while, because when I opened my eyes, my mom was there and she was screaming at us both and all I could do was to go to my room and cry and want to die. I thought about that a lot. Now I think how childish I acted. How I'm becoming a monster who I don't want to be.

I don't want to be that agressive fucker. I never was. And then there's the fear that I might act like that one day. That I won't stand it and I'll just punch people. I don't want to. I'm such a fucking bitch. If I'd be some other person I would torture myself to death, I swear. But on the other side, how should I react when my life is a complete shit, when everything is stressing me out, when I don't feel important, or nice or whathever, when I want to die and the only thing that keeps me alive is internet and all of my internet friendships out there. I wouldn't be there now. I wouldn't be writing it if I wouldn't talk to these people, who (and I don't know why) like me for who I am, even it's the worst thing about myself, though. Also I was afraid that if that one person would find out about that broken computer, he'd literally beat me up to the death. Thanks God I somehow made my laptop work for a while.

And that's why I did it again. That's why I cried for hours in my room so loudly, I don't even care if anyone hear me, no one came and no one will ever come, because my crying is clearly not some important thing because no one there cares about how do I really feel how much I do wanna die, how much this all is stressing me out. That's why I took that fucking razor from its hideout and cut my already healed thigh. I'm glad that it was only thigh. I really wanted to die, because I had no reason why to live there anymore. Well, there are some people, but I believe they'd get over this, they'd have their own lives and everything, you know. And I hate myself so much. There's no way I will ever like me. And I will start to bore everybody, sooner or later. It's true and I have a milion reasons why I should think that.

I've stayed at home again. Because of this depression and also my head hurted really bad after that punch and a lot of crying. And I'm starting to worry that I'm doing the same shit I did last year. I skipped school because I wouldn't stand it. Because all I do is crying. And I wouldn't be able to look into my friends' face and pretend I'm happy just to make them happy. Normally I can do it, but not now. I'm starting to think that I really do need those antidepressants that my aunt offered to me. I need some help. But I know that I can't tell anyone there, because they'd be like: "Oh my god, you're such a drama queen, you are the suffering one? Are you kidding me? What should I say!?" and so on. And I don't want this.

They'd be better without me, they already said something like this. All I can think of was: "be careful what you wish", but I didn't say it loud.

It's all, though. I hope you feel better than me.

Never good enough.

Just the typical article before I go to sleep.

I'm just wondering how people just get to "good enough", you know? What the hell is even that? "Good enough". Good enough for what? For being in this fucking terrible society? It makes me so mad that there's so many people, just like me who wants to fit somewhere, where they can to be themselves. And not being ashamed for that. For that they're a little fat, or has different music taste than you and so on. What's the matter? Why the fuck people just push out those kids? I mean, what did we do to you? We're different, we don't need to listen dance music like each one of you, we like to read, we like to play video games, we like to watch series, we like to be different.

Why should we pay for that? It's stupid. I feel so ashamed for living there.I hate that fact that I just can't be like you. I can't do that to other people. I can't just throw my problems away and party all the time. I can't be mean or rude like you. People like that should think about themselves. I can't say if someone is "good enough".

Not, because I'll never be good enough. I'll never be that funny, skinny girl with the perfect boyfriend and perfect life. I'll never be popular or some shit like that. I'll never enjoy your parties. And that what makes people around me hate me, probably. That I don't want to be one of them.

And it hurts, because those people used to be my friends. It hurts, because I grew up with them. But now I'm just that not-important weird girl, you don't even have to say "hi" to her, because she's fucking awkward. I don't even know if I should be pissed off, or sad. Probably both. Because those people can't do anything else than making a hell from your life.

They'll send you anonymous messages about how stupid you are and how they want to beat you up. They'll laugh at your photos. They'll laugh at things you created and worked hard on it. They'll laugh at that you want to be something more. They'll say bad things about you, so people you never met will know you as "asocial lesbian, who thinks she's so badass and beautiful" or something like that.

Only because of that how do you look or what do you like. I just can't take it no more. They even don't know a single shit about me. They don't know what it's like to be me. I'd wish each one of them to live a one day in my life. I want them to feel that pain, that suffering, I want to see them solving my problems. I want to see them how they'll eat, when they'd be fat like I am. I want to see them laugh, when your family is broken. I want to see them going outside, when they had to take a care about people they love at home.Try to be like me, try to be like us and then fucking speak.

btw. sorry for all the mistakes in the text, English isn't my born language and I'm too tired to write it correctly.

This generation.

Few days, or weeks ago, I really don't know, I don't even care about the time. I was on the way home. I had actually great day with one of my friends, but I wanted to be at home, drink tea and listen to music, because it was really cold outside.
At square was some bunch of little kids, they could be around 8-12. But they yelled at each other and they seemed quite agressive, so I decided to go other way. It was almost evening and I really wanted to get home. And when I was almost there I heard their voices behind me. I speeded up my walking. I never had fear of kids in this age. Like, I'm 16, right? Why I should be afraid of them?
And then I heard: "Hey guys, let's invade her."
But I kept walking, I was naive and I hoped they meant someone else. But yeah, it was only me in this street. And then there was little boy, around ten and he had a fucking knife. I was shocked, scared, I stopped walking and then I just looked at him and he fucking started to laugh and made fun of me. Like... what the fuck? Then I turned around and the others was just like him. I kept my mouth shut, because I didn't know how to react. Should I say that they're dumb? But they could get agressive.
Should I start to scream? Or something? Instead of it I was just standing there, watching them laugh. After some minutes I turned around to go home and I was thinking about it. When I was in their age, I played with dolls, later I watched Naruto and I had a respect to older people. I really don't get it. I don't say that every in this generation is bad, but it makes me sick that there's kids like this.

I dunno why I wrote it there. Maybe I'm just too emotional and over-dramatic and care too much. But I just felt like it. I write everything what come to my mind, this is why I've got this blog, so I'll make this article a little longer.

In few last days I felt quite good. (Not at the weekend, because of MCR broke up) But after some time it hits me again. I really don't know why I just can't get over this. There's milions of people who suffer more than me and they're stronger than me. Maybe it's just too long, so I can't handle it. No more. It's been six years... At those times I thought: "Don't worry, it'll be better in few months.", when I was 12 I thought: "Well, after year it'll be fine." and now I don't even hope, I'll rather go and write my feelings there, cry in the shower, listen to sad songs and draw because it's better than believe in something that probably doesn't exist, like at all.

I don't know what I should write, because I know I can be seriously really annoying and I fuck up everything I start, I'll stop writing and go to sleep.

To everyone who's just like me: stay strong, you're not in this alone.

Love,
Luce.