Being single

... is it really THAT BIG deal?
I feel a little bit better today. Well, day is still grey but it stopped raining for a while. I was at my grandma's place today and everyone were asking me about some boyfriend. Of course I have nothing I could tell them. Nobody wants me and I'm not suprised. Like at all. Who would want depressed, suicidal, weird, ugly and fat girl? My grandparents and others are just trying to be kind. They know that I'm all of these things. Well, they don't know about suicidal thoughts and stuff, maybe they think about it, because they know I'm still sad, but back to the topic. Then they were talking to my younger sister and well, she's the exact opposite. She's really beautiful, she can talk with people, she looks like a model and every guy I know likes her. So I was just sitting there and wondering, if I'll come to them one day and tell them that I found someone.

Probably not. Because I don't believe in it anymore. Every girl I know had atleast one boyfriend already, but I was just still the single one. I still think that when I'm seventeen I have a lot of time to find someone, but just look at these times. Eleven-years-old kids date and they're being completely adult and I'm there like - well, that sucks, I'm more kid than them. Because I'm weird. I can't stop being awkward and I know that I won't have anyone with this kind of attitude.

And even if some miracle would happen, I'd totally destroy that guy. I have really bad days and everything is so complicated, sometimes I'm not able to go out, sometimes I just don't want to speak. And my depression and self-harm isn't a good thing. If he'd know about it, he'd tell me I'm a crazy and disgusting and he'd leave me, or he'd try to help me and he wouldn't stand it and he'd drown with me and I don't want this kind of shit, I don't want to hurt someone. So maybe he'd realize it and leave me, or I'd leave him just for his own good. Anyways, it would end up really bad and that's what scares me.

I get attached to people really fast and deeply. So I feel horrible when they stop talking to me. And if someone would leave me, someone I really love I don't know what would happen to me. I'd be probably even more depressed and I could even try to kill myself. So, yeah, it's a huge risk to date someone like me. No wonders I don't have anyone. Those guys are smart.

Of course I have those times (really often), when I feel so alone and I want to have someone this close, but I'm scared. I'm scared of everything what could happen. This is why I'm alone, people around me probably know it. So I've started to think that it's my destiny to die all alone. I won't have husband, children... I'm not that kind of person. I can dream about it, but that's all I can do.

I can't go out and wear that mask and trying to talk to people, acting like someone else and then living for the rest of my life as someone I am not, just because of people around me, who would like this fake side of me. I doubt there would be someone who would accept the real me, who thinks all the time about ways of killing herself. Who can't accept any kind of compliment. Who truly hates herself.

And that's my problem in love life.