Being single

... is it really THAT BIG deal?
I feel a little bit better today. Well, day is still grey but it stopped raining for a while. I was at my grandma's place today and everyone were asking me about some boyfriend. Of course I have nothing I could tell them. Nobody wants me and I'm not suprised. Like at all. Who would want depressed, suicidal, weird, ugly and fat girl? My grandparents and others are just trying to be kind. They know that I'm all of these things. Well, they don't know about suicidal thoughts and stuff, maybe they think about it, because they know I'm still sad, but back to the topic. Then they were talking to my younger sister and well, she's the exact opposite. She's really beautiful, she can talk with people, she looks like a model and every guy I know likes her. So I was just sitting there and wondering, if I'll come to them one day and tell them that I found someone.

Probably not. Because I don't believe in it anymore. Every girl I know had atleast one boyfriend already, but I was just still the single one. I still think that when I'm seventeen I have a lot of time to find someone, but just look at these times. Eleven-years-old kids date and they're being completely adult and I'm there like - well, that sucks, I'm more kid than them. Because I'm weird. I can't stop being awkward and I know that I won't have anyone with this kind of attitude.

And even if some miracle would happen, I'd totally destroy that guy. I have really bad days and everything is so complicated, sometimes I'm not able to go out, sometimes I just don't want to speak. And my depression and self-harm isn't a good thing. If he'd know about it, he'd tell me I'm a crazy and disgusting and he'd leave me, or he'd try to help me and he wouldn't stand it and he'd drown with me and I don't want this kind of shit, I don't want to hurt someone. So maybe he'd realize it and leave me, or I'd leave him just for his own good. Anyways, it would end up really bad and that's what scares me.

I get attached to people really fast and deeply. So I feel horrible when they stop talking to me. And if someone would leave me, someone I really love I don't know what would happen to me. I'd be probably even more depressed and I could even try to kill myself. So, yeah, it's a huge risk to date someone like me. No wonders I don't have anyone. Those guys are smart.

Of course I have those times (really often), when I feel so alone and I want to have someone this close, but I'm scared. I'm scared of everything what could happen. This is why I'm alone, people around me probably know it. So I've started to think that it's my destiny to die all alone. I won't have husband, children... I'm not that kind of person. I can dream about it, but that's all I can do.

I can't go out and wear that mask and trying to talk to people, acting like someone else and then living for the rest of my life as someone I am not, just because of people around me, who would like this fake side of me. I doubt there would be someone who would accept the real me, who thinks all the time about ways of killing herself. Who can't accept any kind of compliment. Who truly hates herself.

And that's my problem in love life.

Lovey-dovey shit everywhere

Even that's the thing what doesn't annoy me that much like everything else, everyone around me keep talking about it and it pisses me off, kind of. I feel like I don't belong there again. I swear that every friend of mine is talking with me just about their realitionships, crushes and so on. And I am the only single one. I don't care if I'm single or not. I don't give a shit about it. No, seriously, how I could even think about liking someone and think that he would like me back, when I hate absolutely everything about myself and have no confidence at all, so even if it'd be true, I'd chase them away. I doubt there's someone who would like a girl like me, depressed, self-harming, dumb, fat, ugly and awkward kind of girl. Good joke.

But that's not what I was talking about. Suddenly, all around me started to being annoying (even I am the annoying one, though), they still ask me about my love life, if I have some crush, wondering if I'm still a virgin, if some guy finally touched me and blah blah blah. IT PISSES ME OFF. Fuck.
They simply don't understand that fact that I can't have a boyfriend because I would make him unhappy, I would pull him into my problems, he would see my cry all the fucking time, he would have to get used to that I self-harm sometimes, that I hate myself, that I talk about death a lot and tell me, who the hell got nerves for some shit like that!? ughhhhhhhhhhhh

I don't know. It's such a small problem compared to my other troubles, but I had to get it out too.

Birthday...

Well, happy fucking birthday to me.

This day is one of the worst. I think it my birthday’s fault, one one side. On the other side, it’s still me and my fucking problems. Well you know how you celebrate birthday with your family? Well, they even didn’t say „happy birthday“, only one of them. In a text message. But then nothing, when I saw her, and I won’t even mention the another one. This made me sad. Even more sad than I was before. I’m used t that that I cry every fucking moment of my life, but this was just rude. I won’t be sad because of fucking „happy birthday“, I’m sad, because I’m simply overlooked. Yet again. It’s like I’m an automatic thing that appears everytime they need me. Like a fucking robot.

I needed to get out. So I went to café with my friend and her girlfriend. Even it was fine, it made me realize how fucking lonely I am. Like everytime I see some couple. This is just a crap. It gives me no confidence at all. I feel ugly like a shit. I feel annoying, I feel so fucking awkward, so hella weird. I just hate myself and I dunno what am I complaining about when I know how many mistakes I’ve got. Nobody wants to be with that fat-ass, weird, suicide girl with no life. Who would be like that? Nobody wants this unhealthy realitionship. I would only make him sad. I would destroy him as a person. I do not deserve anyone. But I hate being alone. Well well, my fault. All of this. My fault. If I wouln’t be one ugly and annoying motherfucker…

And when I arrived home, I was so pissed off, so depressed. I needed to get out. I went with another two of my friends outside and fuck, talking about my mood made my mood even worse. And I had to pretend. ALL THE FUCKING DAY. I had that fucking mask. That mask that told people I am happy. That mask that broke hours ago and I stayed in my bed, crying like an idiot, thinking about my death what would be in the same day as my birthday so I would just simply make it easier to people around, that they'd cry only one day after in one year (well, after some years with dealing with it, or months... or days, whatevs), just like always. My hysterical crying. I didn’t care if anyone will hear me. No one will ever come, so, whatever. They gave up long ago. It’s like they almou waiting for my final breakdown.

It's been 6 months already.

I seriously wanted to feel okay today. I seriously didn't want to end up there, writing absolutely useless shit. But, when you love something so much and then it's just away, you will remember forever when it happened. You've got something in you that's like an alarm.

I'm talking about My Chemical Romance, right now. It's been six months since they broke up. I think that I'll never fully describe how much they mean to me. What the taught me, they made me so happy, sometimes they even made me to be proud of who I am, their songs helped me to carry all those problems. People around me don't get it how can I feel this way only about a band.

This band save lifes. It really does. It helped me to go through depressions, their songs were louder than that neverending scream around me and also inside me. They gave me a hope that I can live my life, that someday I will be happy. They were my favorite band ever, they always will be. No matter what they do, I'll love each one of them and be so grateful.

When they ended up, I thought it will be the end of me too. I mean... Six months back I went through a lot of problems at same time, I thought it will be seriously the end. The end of everything. And when the only thing that made me happy, when it left me too. I had no hope. I felt so sick. I hated everything. I was so sad, I was crying non-stop. I would compare it to someone's death. And I'm not over-acting. Yes, I'm a little bit more emotional than the others, but I felt like this.

There were so many broken hearts all over me. Everyone were crying. And at home no one gave a shit about it. I was still in my room, my family just didn't get how can I be this upset. I needed to talk to someone, I even told my mom, but she said that it's not important. Her words were just so sharp. I didn't speak to anyone then.

I didn't want to eat, I couldn't sleep, I was even crying on the toilet because I felt that sick I wanted to throw up. After that, things got worse, there were all the problem I was already going through, but also people around me started to spread the bad things about me, those people were my friends, I was just so fucked up because of everything.

I didn't feel well, I think that it was the one of the most horrible times in my life.

Then I felt nothing.

After some time... my parents finally asked me what's going on. And it happens RARELY. Well, it's not happening, like at all. I had to do my best to not to cry in front of them. I didn't tell them everything, I just told them about my "friends" and that I truly loved MCR and I can't explain how much. They tried to cheer me up a little, it was fine to see them to finally work together.

I couldn't let them go, but after some time... I had to. You should let go the things you love, if it means that those things, in this case, people will be happy, you should be happy because of them, right?
I still miss them so much, I still cry sometimes, but... there's so many things that they left here. They gave me real friends, my new family. They showed me that I'm not alone in this, that I will get better. They taught me that I should believe in myself. And even it's so hard to believe those words, they really made me to be who I am. And not to be so ashamed of that.

And those things are the greatest things someone ever gave me. I will love them forever, no matter what, I still hope that they'll come back and if not, how I said - they left all those amazing things here and I'll appreciate them.

I had to write it all, because, it's my blog, you know. And I felt quite sad about it. But when I wrote it, when I wrote that end, I finally realize that I'm right about it.

I am wrong, I am down.

It's mine typical time for depressive thoughts. It's the time when everyone's sleeping, when there's only me, hidden in darkness in my room.

I always think about everything for so long. It always starts like that I'm just thinking about stuff what happened and then I start to think about what will happen, what could happen and so on. I think about myself too. Because that's the thing I'm not thinking of a lot in the course of a day.
I'm thinking about that why I'm being so naive and think that I will have a better life one day, when I just can't take this life. And I'm only sixteen. It's been six fucking years already.

Six years of pain. And I just don't know how long I will be able to keep this pain inside. How long I will be able to smile at the others when I cry at night and all I want to is to be someone else. I think that I'm gonna go crazy because of all of this shit. Seriously. I can see how annoying I am, how grumpy and different than I was before. And this is what brought me to panic attacks and anxiety.

It's happening to me more than I was used to. I think it all started one day when I was at grandma's and I was really depressed, because my old friends stopped to talk to me and said bad things about me behind my back. One of them probably, wrote me a message, something like I changed and I'm playing that I'm someone else to be cool. It hurted so fucking bad. I remember how I started to breath fast, went away from my laptop, started to shake, heart beated slow. I was crying on the floor. I woke up my little brother. He came to me and said: "Luce, what are you doing? Go sleep to bed." and he slept with me there, hugging me tight.

I swear, if my little brother wouldn't be there, I would give up in this moment. It always bring me tears to my eyes. And this is how my thoughts are going. Every fucking night. And I'm sick of that already. But I can't help it. So I'm just saying the same things, writing it there, annoy you with them, just to get them out of me. But it's not helping actually. So I don't even know why I'm still trying.

Actually why I'm still TRYING? It'll never be good. It'll go like this forever. This is why nobody can be with me. It'd piss him off, those depressive moods and thoughts, he would probably kill me, if I had someone. So why the fuck am I wondering if I'll find someone one day? I'll die alone. And that makes me sad. Because I can't do anything with that. Even if I tried. I can't. It's in me. Nobody can help it, though. Even I think that the only thing I really wanted was that I want to be loved, I want to know I'm important for someone.

Few days ago I had a weird dream again (maybe it's because of those "I'm gonna beat you up" messages on ask.fm - I don't really care about them already, I just want to know why someone want to beat me up, then he/she can do it, whatever.), so there were some guys and they beated me up. Like seriously beated me up. I was bleeding, everything hurted, I was almost dying. When they left, I fell asleep. And then I wasn't in my body, but I looked at myself in a hospital. And no one came. No one.

Thanks to this dream, I felt more lonely then I ever was. So before I fall asleep now, I just think about this brutal things unfortunately, about being beated up and what persons around me would do. I just really want to know, if there's really someone who would REALLY care.

But that's just my stupid thought, like everything else on this blog. So, you shouldn't even pay attention on that. Everytime I write something, I feel somehow ashamed for that. Sorry.

And now, I think I can go to sleep.
Goodnight.