Death.

I'm scared. I am so fucking scared.
When people who do you love, no matter what happen, because they were the one who created you, who gave you life... when they tell you that they want to be dead... it's horrible.
It's like... there's nothing what can make them stay. Even not the kids. I'm not surprised by my depressions when the people who gave me life had fucked up life and personalities.

I'm not afraid of death (well, maybe I am, kind of). I'm not afraid of death when it has something to do with me. It's just... I'm not too important, I never was. It's not like I'm the one who's the head of our "family". But when I'm so scared when someone I love, even I'd like to stop to love this person, say: "I wanted to kill myself yesterday. I didn't know if I should come home." it's like crashing hearts and feelings and that wet trails of tears down on your cheeks.

Aggression, fear, pain.

That's what it feels like to be at home. For everyone. There's no happiness, there's no such a thing like: "It feels like to be home.". How I said, this place where I live is just a big, cold house. With all of these feelings. I want to run away. Every fucking time. But I don't have a place where to go... And if I had, I wouldn't do it.
Because I'm just too stupid to do that.
I care to much to do that.
I'm still naive and I think it gets better, that I'll help it.
But no one feels the same way like me. We're destroyed, we're just cut into pieces. It's not a family. It's just a bunch of few different people. And between them is just biologicall bond. Nothing more.

Yes, feels. But we never showed them. And we'll never do.

I don't know how it'll end. I'm just worried that death is closer than before.

I wanna die to be someone else.

Hey guys.
Of course.
I didn't post anything recently.
Because I was okay.
But I'm not okay.
Not now.
Shaking hands, hard breathing, tears.
That's why I'm here.
Writing about my fucked up feelings.
Again.

So, here we go...

Nothing lives forever. Unfortunately. Not happy moments, especially this. It seems so nice and it gives you hope, you can also feel those forgotten feelings like love and joy. Everything seem colorful. Until that moment you just finally start to live and believe that it gets better. Then the hard slap of destiny is there.

Today is a day a found out I'm just a burden. Unwanted, useless piece of our family. I'm always that girl who just sits with her computer. Girl who is fucking stupid, but acts like an adult. Girl who is just a fat-ass but still eating. Girl, who is just a little piece of shit. And unfortunately that girl lives in this house.

This house is not a home.
Not for me.

Listen to "Home" by Three Days Grace, actually this is how I feel right now. But I don't see anything I do. I'm doing my best to make their lives easier, but they don't care at all. I'm not important. I never was. I don't know why I even think that I could be important one day.

I'm just stupid.
And fucking naive.

At first I thought that it's all because we just fight, that they don't mean it. But when they tell it to you, when they're just all calm, it hurts. Like those fucking razors I wanted to bring back to my life again. Happy I didn't. (2 years withous self-harming... Don't wanna fuck it up, but it's too hard sometimes.)

I don't know. I just think that I'm not that strong as I used to be. I'm weak, emotinal little piece of shit.