Hurting each other

Hello,
yes, I'm not okay, I'll never be. And that's why I'm active again. I've decided to have a little break from the internet. Not fully, but yeah. From twitter, facebook, it pissed me off. No, it didn't piss me off, I pissed off myself with all those depressive, angry and panic tweets. I thought that I take other people down with me and I couldn't stand it. I can't stand when they're worrying about me, when they're trying to help me when I know that I'm helpless. I feel so sorry for everything.

I was in a huge stress recently, mostly because of that I'm not good enough. Well, I also had to do others' very important homeworks and I cried when I wrote it. I'm not at his level. I'm not that smart as him, but he told me to do it and if I won't do it, it'll probably kill me. So, yeah. That's it. Also because I'm depressed and I wasn't at school a lot, I have to go there even when I feel like a shit, because of my grades. Also all of this shit what keeps happening to me... self harm, suicidal thoughts, eating disorder, panic attacks, depression... It's just too much.

I feel more disgusting then I ever felt. How I said, I don't eat, I skip meals and exercise a lot, because I think I'm really fat and I feel all that weight on me. I want to throw up a lot, I don't know if it's because of this, or because of the stress, maybe both. I feel like I'm bothering everyone. I don't feel good enough to even talk with someone. I can't even draw because of all of these feels. I mostly lay in my bed where I'm crying and sleeping.

Yesterday, I told myself that I have to do something about it. I've tried atleast to look happy and then I just... broke. I was crying on the floor, I wanted to throw up, I cut my thighs, like a lot. And I couldn't breathe properly, I was shaking, I couldn't do anything. I was even searching for alcohol, or cigarretes, even when I promised that I won't have one anymore, but there was nothing. I had to talk to my friend to calm down, it was early in the morning and I felt like bothering her, but she helped me. To be honest, I don't wanna know what could happen if she wasn't there.

And today wasn't better. They fought again, I was between them, she walked away then, for a whole day. I was worried about her, I was crying, fortunately, she came back while ago. But she had another fight with my sister and just ugh. I would slap my sister in that moment. But I don't want to be agressive.
She was crying and I wasn't able to do anything. But he got drunk again so I'm worried what will happen today. I'm scared. I'm worried about everyone, I don't know why they keep hurting each other, why they keep hurting me, when I'm trying to help them.

And no one of them cares about me and my feelings. No one cares about me and my suicidal thoughts. Why should they? They don't need me.

How long?

How long will I write these absolutely fucking stupid articles? How long will I feel like a shit? How long will they trying to destroy me? How long will I survive? How long does it take before I die?

Unfortunately, this day is even worse. He got drunk, again. She's hysterical again. I am nothing again and they ask me to solve their problems. He's telling me to get her away from him, she's screaming at me when I try to do it, hits me, because I want her to discharge her anger and after all, she thinks I'm on his side and I am tired of that poker face, silence and tears what they can't see even they're in front of them.

She's yelling at me because of some fucking eating disorder and I fucking don't care about food. I feel sick, I would throw up if I'd get something into my stomach. I fucking don't care about being healthy. For what? For longer living this shitty life? No, thank you.

Also I feel like a horrible person again, I can't help people I love, I'm causing trouble to people who like me, and I can't keep my promises, because I'm weak. My friend wanted to go out with me today, do you think I said yes? Well, I did, at first, then I thought about some excuse and send it to her. I feel so awful. I just wanted to cry and sleep and cry and sleep and maybe doing something while everyone there would be somewhere else. I think that it's absolutely obvious that I did self-harm even yesterday and I think I'll do it today too... Everything's FUCKED UP.

All I want is to not to be there.

I wish to never wake up, I wish to get a heart attack, I wish to be stronger to kill myself already. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to live this life, I don't want to be a punching bag and do nothing about it. I'm trapped and I don't see any other way out.

Hope you feel better, stay strong.

Trying to deal with the pain

And it's absolutely for nothing. I'm trying to draw, I'm trying to making fun of it, I'm trying to not to think about it, but it always come back. I'm seriously tired of everything. I'm tired of trying to live. I'm too dumb, I'll rather die alone and sad, just because I want to make them happy. They don't care about me. They don't care that I have my dreams, that I wanted to do something useful, that I wanted to show them I'm not a shitty person. But in the end, I am. And they were right.
All I do is crying. Like now. It's afternoon and I'm crying, I don't even save it for the night. I cry all days (not during school, I've got my poor mask) and I think that I can't do nothing else. I'll end up in this room, unable to do something, I'll end up like a human wreckage. And it'll be my fault. I'm the one who doesn't fight back, I don't even want to fight back. For what? For making even more fights? For making them unhappy and more angry? No, thank you.
Someone has to suffer for others' happiness and it happened to be me. Because I am stupid. But I am good for nothing, maybe just this. I let them discharge their anger on me. And I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to be quiet, but deep down it hurts like a bitch and every day I just break down in my room and cry for hours even for no reason. Everything they said, did to me, it's making me crazy. It's still there in my mind and I can get it out. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm just "surviving" somehow.
It's all the same shit. It's already boring how I keep complaining about the same things. Well, they're all the same, but everytime, it gets more huge.
The only thing I am afraid of that I'll never be able to live normally, if I'll ever leave. I don't think so. I'm that person who still goes back to the history and never gets over it. I'll never get over all of this shit. Never. It'll be still there in me, so, it just simply can't get better. That means that I don't even know what am I waiting for. I know all of this stuff that I have no future, my dreams can't come true, that I don't have any hope, I'm unusable. I know that and I'm still waiting for some miracle what will never come. How stupid. How stupid it was for someone up there to let me born. I hope he's enjoying my depressions and scars over my thighs.
It'd be really boring to have only happy people there, right? Let's make the ugliest and shittiest existence ever, she won't last long.

Oh dear Lord, how I wish to not to last long, I want to end it all. Only if I'd be strong enough to do something for my own satisfaction.

It's bigger

Bigger pain, bigger hate, bigger scars...
I don't want to lie, because I'm lying to everyone, so I'll be the honest one there. I feel like a shit. Not just because I did it again, also because they make me to feel like a shit. The only thing they can do is to scream at each other or scream at me to get their anger out. I don't fight back. Why should I? It's better this way. It's better to let them scream their hearts out at me, let them to vilify me, because they're calm after that. I'm just sitting there in silence, staring to their eyes until I can feel my tears on my cheeks. It pisses me off so much. I wish to be that strong, I don't want to cry, I wanna show them that somebody's there is okay with them and that somebody's trying to help them.
But they don't care. They'll never care. They don't know who I really am, what I actually feel, I won't let them to know it. It'd be even worse. I've tried to tell it to one of them and she told me that I'm being over-dramatic and stupid bitch. I told her that I want to die, she didn't care, she ignored it. And when I told him once, he told me: "Ha, yeah, of course, then just do it." I wish to turn back time so I could seriously do it. Turning back time, that would be awesome, I could never discover internet, I could never hurt people there and I could just die.
This actually reminds me one of my dreams, when I was about eight? My older sister had some similiar problems with self-harm and when she got over it, I had dream about myself, that I'm going to some gate (which looked like a gate to hell) and I arrived to my room (it didn't look like my actual room, everything was pink) and then I saw my future self self-harming, my younger self kicked that razor from my hand and I have to laugh how stupid I was, when I was young and I was telling my mom about this dream and I was like: "I could never do it."

And - look at me now.

I can't even work properly without doing it atleast once in a month. The fact, that I did it yesterday makes me wanna cry... I never did it this big. It was only a few scars at first and now... what the fuck is even that!? It's getting huge. It probably because of the bigger pain I feel. He made me cry again yesterday and when I stopped he came again and made me want to die. I was shaking, sobbing and he was still screaming at me how I'm working only for 20%, how dumb I am, how ugly I am, how my art isn't important, how I'll never gonna be SOMEONE.
I feel so fucked up. I wanna throw up, when I look at my existence. I hate everything about myself, my face, my body, my terrible personality and I feel sorry for everyone who met me. That's it.

Hope you're feeling better than me.

Lovey-dovey shit everywhere

Even that's the thing what doesn't annoy me that much like everything else, everyone around me keep talking about it and it pisses me off, kind of. I feel like I don't belong there again. I swear that every friend of mine is talking with me just about their realitionships, crushes and so on. And I am the only single one. I don't care if I'm single or not. I don't give a shit about it. No, seriously, how I could even think about liking someone and think that he would like me back, when I hate absolutely everything about myself and have no confidence at all, so even if it'd be true, I'd chase them away. I doubt there's someone who would like a girl like me, depressed, self-harming, dumb, fat, ugly and awkward kind of girl. Good joke.

But that's not what I was talking about. Suddenly, all around me started to being annoying (even I am the annoying one, though), they still ask me about my love life, if I have some crush, wondering if I'm still a virgin, if some guy finally touched me and blah blah blah. IT PISSES ME OFF. Fuck.
They simply don't understand that fact that I can't have a boyfriend because I would make him unhappy, I would pull him into my problems, he would see my cry all the fucking time, he would have to get used to that I self-harm sometimes, that I hate myself, that I talk about death a lot and tell me, who the hell got nerves for some shit like that!? ughhhhhhhhhhhh

I don't know. It's such a small problem compared to my other troubles, but I had to get it out too.

Mess

I'm sitting there again, not very sure about what I'll write. Because my mind is a mess.

Do you ever feel stupid for feeling bad?
I feel like that all the time. Also awkward. And I feel bad for feeling bad. I feel like I'm a burden for a lot of people. Especially for my friends. I don't want them to be worried about me. I don't deserve their care and they don't deserve to feel bad because of me. I am an expert in destroying everyone's mood. That's my problem. Sometimes I just can't pretend that I think positive and they feel it.

I just want them to be happy and I can't keep them happy if I'll destroy their mood with my annoying and stupid personality. I just wish to be alone sometimes, sometimes I don't want to be helped, because I don't want to be anyone else's problem, sometimes I ask myself why am I still here.

I keep talking shit about that how I just can't go on and that nothing's better and I feel worse and worse. But I never was strong enough to end it. I'm such a coward. I don't even have hope, I don't like to be alive, I don't have anything to live for, I'm bothering myself with my existence, with my breathing, with my acting, with my face, just everything.

Today I went from school earlier and when I got home, I felt sick just from being there. He just commanded me, do this and do that, do my project to my school, make these posters, give me some food, shut up, get out... I just wish him to offer my death. I'd bow and tell him: "As you wish, my lord.", I'd so do that.
I think about how he'd react, how everyone would react.

I think about it everytime. I think about who would truly miss me, who would cry, who would be happy, confused, how they'd feel about my goodbye letter (I have to mention it probably wouldn't be a goodbye letter, but a goodbye book...), I think about who would find me... on the one side, I feel really awful that I if I'd do it, I could hurt to some people, but on the other side, I could save some by it and I could save myself.

That was everything I thought about when I cried and fell asleep again in my bed. I slept for an hour, though. When I woke up, he was even pissed off because of that I'm sleeping. I couldn't be there, so I went for a walk in the rain, it was like some scene from a bad, drama, teenage movie, because hey, the weather is the same like my mood again.

The atmosphere was awful there, everyone were annoying, they were all together and so fake it actually hurt. I was just waiting for another fight. It didn't last long in the end. But it was nothing I'm not used to. So I spent all evening all alone, telling everyone to go away, because I couldn't stand anyone's presence. And I still feel so fucked up because of everything that I'm forgetting to study on tests, thinking about excuses, because I don't want to go to school and meet all of those people...

Anyways I have to keep going and I don't want to, I really don't want to. I wish to find my mask again.

Shaking hands

Hey, guess who's feeling like a shit again?

And guess who's being attention whore?

And guess who will write all those not-interesting things on my mind?

And guess who's crying right now?

I think that everyone already know the fact I actually hate myself, from the inside and also from the outside. I keep thinking why is there someone like me. I feel like my existence is completely such a waste of time and air. It was actually said to me. That if I wouldn't born, two people would have normal and happy life like everyone else. If I wouldn't born, they could be okay. Both of them. If I wouldn't ever exist, so many people would be saved. Family... friends... they'd never meet me and they'd be happy without that little fucker, who keeps complaining about her life, crying every fucking day, being suicidal...

No, just think about it. If I wouldn't exist, no one would be worried, they'd have their own problems and I wouldn't be there to make it all harder. 

Sometimes I think that was a huge mistake to tell my problems to some people... If they wouldn't know, they'd just think I've got a bad mood. I could play dumb and pretend I'm actually okay, that I live pretty normal life... Nobody would know and nobody would be worried about someone who doesn't worth it, to be honest. It's true. I know it's true.

But it won't last long... They'll get it. They'll get that they all would be happier without me, without my depression, without all of this shit. They could stop telling me all of those very kind words that I really appreciate but I'll never take them seriously, because I DON'T feel beautiful, important, useful, talented and all stuff. Simply because I AM NOTHING of it. They could stop being stressed out. I don't worth it, I seriously don't...

About a week ago, there was a huge fight again. I got hit because I wanted to. I wanted her to calm down, so I offered my face... Is it really that desperate? Anyways it worked. And I'll probably solve things like this. It works... for now. But it was a shock... of course. I had to get out. My "friend" told me that he'd help me, but I was waiting for 30 minutes and he didn't come... Well, this was pretty fucked up. I thought it'll be my last day. I didn't want to go home. I was walking around the town, crying like one sick fuck, because no one actually needed me. I didn't need myself.

After getting home, I had to listen how she screams at me about two hours. I had to listen all of this stuff that I am on HIS side, I don't know how she feels, that I pretend to be depressed, that I don't care about her, that I'm a bitch and that I'm telling everything to everyone and blah blah blah... she even told me something about being ugly and unwanted and that I'm acting like that because I can't get a boyfriend... Seriously, how fucking dumb it was. And finally, I was told that it could have been all better, if I wouldn't born...

And she was right. She was right only in this one point. I replied to everything else with screaming "go away" or whispering "you don't get it" "you get nothing" "you don't understand" "I want to die". Oh yeah, the last point, I told her I want to die. Do you think she reacted somehow? Nah, she ignored it. Maybe she said something about me being over-dramatic...

I was crying about four hours maybe... I had a horrible headache, I thought I will pass out, I wasn't able to look into her eyes and I didn't go to school another day. Because I just couldn´t.

And she acted like nothing happened... like always. It's not only her who does it. Everyone there does it. Why do I feel like I am the only one who actually fucking cares too much.

I keep asking myself - why me? What have I done. Am I that ugly, even on the inside so I deserve to suffer? Yeah, I think so. I don't know what else it could be. Some people born to be unhappy for the rest of their lives, it's not a fucking movie, it can happen and not everyone can have a happy end, and I am one of these people.

I feel so annoying... I feel so fucking fake. I keep trying to be happy, but after a few days, I'll just break down. Just like now.

I am sorry for bothering you.

I am sorry for existing.

Everything could have been better without me.

Needed to get it out again

They should lock me somewhere. So I could stop ruining people's happiness. I should have never born. I should have never join the internet. I feel like it was a mistake even if it is not. Like... I don't know how to describe this, but I feel like everyone would feel better if they wouldn't even know that I exist. I'm starting to think that I should delete all of my accounts and so on, you know. But it's just too late. I know I wouldn't be able to leave these people even I'm hurting them and they don't see it.

Today was another terrible day. I feel like a shit. Yet again. The mask. I spent some time with my friend, but when she started to complain about those girly things about guys I sighed and started to realize how alone I am again. It's not like I just need boyfriend to make people around me stare, but because I don't want to feel alone. I need hugs, I just need to lay in silence, listen to music and cry in someone's arms like I did it when I was little. But I'm not little anymore and nobody cares if I cry because it's just everyday stuff.

So I went home like this and there was that one drunk motherfucker who pissed me off so much so I've told him the true and he said this to me: "You fucking bitch, you're pissing me off, get the fuck out I don't want to see you." I went to the bathroom and.. well... cut my wrist this time, which is pretty fucking stupid becaue what the hell, I need to hide it all the time... but I needed to get out of the house again. I texted to my friend and I couldn't stand it when I saw him and I cried like an idiot in front of him. We were walking around the town and he tried to cheer me up, but it didn't work actually.

And like if it wasn't enough he started to talk about realitionships and what kind of realitionship we have and what realitionship he had with his ex and how he thinks about her, so mostly - I had to listen to his problems and I was thinking about mine. So I went home earlier.

I was glad he was sleeping.

So now I'm there, crying because of loneliness and because I'm unmature ugly shit with no life that doesn't want to wear that mask tomorrow. Goodbye.

Face to face

I still feel the same.

I'm kind of pissed off. Again because of myself. I did it again. I was too weak to end it completely and instead of it I did this shit. It would be better if I wasn't too chicken yesterday. It would be better if I wasn't just hysterically crying in the bathroom and just thinking about it. I was about to do it. I seriously was about to do it... Nobody would notice it in that time. They would find out after a few hours. They still think that I'm in my room. It was a perfect moment.

And I didn't do it. I was shaking like an idiot, crying, but I didn't do it. Not fully. Told you already, I did THAT shit again. But I didn't end it. I don't know how I should feel about it. I'm probably just too weak for that. And the other day I was pissed off I didn't do it, maybe it would change things, you know.

Maybe my death would make them think about what are they doing and thanks to that they'd act better. And it'd be better place to live for the others I love. And that's all I want, or not? I want them to be happy. So why the fuck I didn't do that? It would be better then, I bet. Okay, maybe they'd be sad, but time will heal everything. And if that means they would have a bright future, I just have to do it.

I'm just too fucking selfish. That's all.

And I'm weak and I think it'll hurt. Even I know that I'm already hurted and there were milion things what made me suffer and after this bigger thing I would feel the calm, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to do it, even I know it'd be the right thing for me. There are people like me, their destiny is to end like that. And I can't do shit about it. Even if I'd want. I can't.

I would like to finally lose this fear and do it. If I was face to face with death and I will always back off and I don't wanna. All I want is to end it for others' happiness. Why the hell I can't do that? Why? This is one thing what goes to my list: What I hate about myself, which keeps getting bigger with each upcoming day. There's no way I can stop it.

I've tried to take pills again. It didn't help.
I don't think there will be something what will ever help me.
I just don't deserve that.
I'm not meant to be saved.

It's like the death breathes on your neck

When you feel the coldness, loneliness, sadness. And when you feel absolutely useless. You'd rather choose the emptiness. Just to survive some days.

But what's the reason to survive? I mean, I almost don't have anything to fight for. I've lost a lot of my hope. I've probably gave up on my dreams, because seriously, I don't believe it could be true. I'm too dumb for that. I don't even know what I was thinking. I'm just so stupid. I'll never be good enough. I'll never be the woman I want to be. I'll never be happy. There will be those scars that'll never heal. It's all my fault. Everything. Even if I only wouldn't think I'm someone special. It'd hurt less. I would be like: "Oh, okay, it's just happening sometimes, you know, I don't even know why I'm here, so, maybe that's it."

And yeah, maybe that's it.

I'm there to suffer, to cry, to feel depressed. Because people like me exist. And I have to be one of them. There's just too much happy people around me, right? Why not me? To be that poor girl, right? I just don't fucking know how I deserved this. It's because I was mean when I was a little girl? Is it because I'm just a big dreamer? So it should show me how cruel reality is? How I won't be happy? Ever?

It's life. And sometimes... people are just born to go through hell on earth. So they're happy when they finally die. Death. What a sweet word. I can almost hear the silence, the calm, you know. That's all I want. To be finally okay, to feel nothing at all. To hear the silence, because all I can hear is neverending scream. Also my inner scream. I just feel like I could explode every minute. I would just like to scream like someone's hurting me (it'd be authentic, because I'm hurt), just to yell all those things that make me insane, just cry and never stop. And then die. Because I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.

I hate myself more and more with each other day. I can't even describe how much I'd like to rip off my fucking face and throw it into the trash can. How much I'd like to hit myself that I won't be able to breathe. I think about it A LOT. Also during the day... I was used to think about it before I went to sleep, but now I think about it more and more often. If I'd meet myself, like other person, I'll probably kill myself. This is actually how I feel all the time. I just don't care about myself anymore.

I wonder why some people keep care about me. It's just lost battle. I'm SO annoying, so awkward, so ugly, useless shit, bitch, fat-ass. I'd rather to smash my head against the wall. I keep complaining about myself, even there are people who suffer more than I do. It makes me feel sick of myself. I'm just so selfish. I want to throw up everytime I see myself in the mirror. I cry in the bathroom because of everything. I hate those little details about me. I can see only the bad about me. I think that those "good abilities" are just some kind of stupid fiction.

I would just like to end it all. It'd be better for a lot of people. It'd be better for me. But I won't do that, because, even I don't get it, there are people who care... and I'm just too weak because of that. I'd like someone to do it instead of me... because I'm too chicken for that.

It's been 6 months already.

I seriously wanted to feel okay today. I seriously didn't want to end up there, writing absolutely useless shit. But, when you love something so much and then it's just away, you will remember forever when it happened. You've got something in you that's like an alarm.

I'm talking about My Chemical Romance, right now. It's been six months since they broke up. I think that I'll never fully describe how much they mean to me. What the taught me, they made me so happy, sometimes they even made me to be proud of who I am, their songs helped me to carry all those problems. People around me don't get it how can I feel this way only about a band.

This band save lifes. It really does. It helped me to go through depressions, their songs were louder than that neverending scream around me and also inside me. They gave me a hope that I can live my life, that someday I will be happy. They were my favorite band ever, they always will be. No matter what they do, I'll love each one of them and be so grateful.

When they ended up, I thought it will be the end of me too. I mean... Six months back I went through a lot of problems at same time, I thought it will be seriously the end. The end of everything. And when the only thing that made me happy, when it left me too. I had no hope. I felt so sick. I hated everything. I was so sad, I was crying non-stop. I would compare it to someone's death. And I'm not over-acting. Yes, I'm a little bit more emotional than the others, but I felt like this.

There were so many broken hearts all over me. Everyone were crying. And at home no one gave a shit about it. I was still in my room, my family just didn't get how can I be this upset. I needed to talk to someone, I even told my mom, but she said that it's not important. Her words were just so sharp. I didn't speak to anyone then.

I didn't want to eat, I couldn't sleep, I was even crying on the toilet because I felt that sick I wanted to throw up. After that, things got worse, there were all the problem I was already going through, but also people around me started to spread the bad things about me, those people were my friends, I was just so fucked up because of everything.

I didn't feel well, I think that it was the one of the most horrible times in my life.

Then I felt nothing.

After some time... my parents finally asked me what's going on. And it happens RARELY. Well, it's not happening, like at all. I had to do my best to not to cry in front of them. I didn't tell them everything, I just told them about my "friends" and that I truly loved MCR and I can't explain how much. They tried to cheer me up a little, it was fine to see them to finally work together.

I couldn't let them go, but after some time... I had to. You should let go the things you love, if it means that those things, in this case, people will be happy, you should be happy because of them, right?
I still miss them so much, I still cry sometimes, but... there's so many things that they left here. They gave me real friends, my new family. They showed me that I'm not alone in this, that I will get better. They taught me that I should believe in myself. And even it's so hard to believe those words, they really made me to be who I am. And not to be so ashamed of that.

And those things are the greatest things someone ever gave me. I will love them forever, no matter what, I still hope that they'll come back and if not, how I said - they left all those amazing things here and I'll appreciate them.

I had to write it all, because, it's my blog, you know. And I felt quite sad about it. But when I wrote it, when I wrote that end, I finally realize that I'm right about it.

I'm choking.

And that's why I'm writing here.
Again.
You don't even wish how much I want to stop writing there, because always I write there, I feel like a shit. Just right now. I think that I've got a depression for 3 last months? With a few breaks? I don't know, but it's just too long. Too long even for me. And I'm used to keep it inside of me, suffe a lot, but I feel so broken now, like I don't have a strength to keep it up. No. I don't. I seriously don't.

You already know how do I feel about myself. That I think that I'm disqusting, useless, fat, ugly, stupid little shit. I feel like this all the time. Every fucking day. And I'm so sick of this already. But there's no way I can run away from this. There's no hope for me. No more. And with all those feelings, it got worse. I won't tell you what exactly got worse, because it's really kind of personal for internet world, but it just hurts, it hurts so bad. I didn't know that it could be worse, but it is.

It's not just a psychical pain, it's also physical right now. I feel sick, I can tell how weak I feel. How my body hurts, just like everything else. And all I can do is hiding everything.

And I'm hysterically crying every night. Just like right now. I'm trying to do my best to act normal, but sometmes it's just too much to handle. I probably start to hate that sentence "it'll be better", no it won't be better. Do you know why? Even if I'd run away, even if it wouldn't happen to me like at all, I'll still have my memory, I'll still know, deep in my heart, how bad it hurted. I'm broken and I'll never fix myself. Not fully. I'm too weak for this, I can't do that.

And that's why I did it again. That's the reason why I did that stupid thing I thought I'll never do, because I promised to a lot of people. I can't look into their eyes. But it's not that easy how it seems, you don't know how it feels like cry a fucking hour in your bath, because you feel so ugly and then you calm down after you do that THING and act like nothing happened. Then you go to sleep and cry because of every good damn reason and you can't stop. That's why I'm so tired recently, I don't get enough sleep, also two last nights I had really live nightmares.

I don't know, what I should do. I thought I should give up. I really think about it a few hours per day. I'm thinking about the ways I could end it. But I wouldn't do it. Because I care too much about people around me. And even I'm such a useless emotional shit that doesn't get love, because it doesn't deserve it, I can't do that, I'm still there for those people.

I want to be selfish bitch sometimes, but I'm not like this. I know that with my death, I would make even more problems and that's not what I need. I just have to wait, suffer, slowly die inside to be more emotionless.

I don't even talk that much with some of my friends that much, I forget to eat, I think that nobody needs me, I'm such an annoying human, I know it. There's just impossible to stay with me for a longer time, because everyone leave me. Sooner or later. It always happens. And then I ask myself "why?", and those voices in my head will answer: "Because you just don't deserve that, you're not interesting, or important, you're ugly, you're not funny, are you seriously thinking that there is someone who will like you? Ha."

I suffer by bigger anxiety, my panic attacks are happening more often, tears on my face is just totally normal thing for me and I don't even know when I had a really good mood the last time. I wish I could be that happy little girl I was. But I can't. I had to grow up too soon, I had to solve problems I shouldn't care about, I had to put all my childhood away and now I'm that asocial teenager, thanks to that. Thanks to past 6 years of changing from happy kid to emotional, depressed, burned lost soul.

I think that's all I had to say... I'm not strong enough to keep writing, because I just want to curl up in my bed and cry again, sob silently so no one can hear me. It's not like somebody would actually care... but still. I'm sorry for all the mistakes in my English, I'm too lazy to fix them.

Never good enough.

Just the typical article before I go to sleep.

I'm just wondering how people just get to "good enough", you know? What the hell is even that? "Good enough". Good enough for what? For being in this fucking terrible society? It makes me so mad that there's so many people, just like me who wants to fit somewhere, where they can to be themselves. And not being ashamed for that. For that they're a little fat, or has different music taste than you and so on. What's the matter? Why the fuck people just push out those kids? I mean, what did we do to you? We're different, we don't need to listen dance music like each one of you, we like to read, we like to play video games, we like to watch series, we like to be different.

Why should we pay for that? It's stupid. I feel so ashamed for living there.I hate that fact that I just can't be like you. I can't do that to other people. I can't just throw my problems away and party all the time. I can't be mean or rude like you. People like that should think about themselves. I can't say if someone is "good enough".

Not, because I'll never be good enough. I'll never be that funny, skinny girl with the perfect boyfriend and perfect life. I'll never be popular or some shit like that. I'll never enjoy your parties. And that what makes people around me hate me, probably. That I don't want to be one of them.

And it hurts, because those people used to be my friends. It hurts, because I grew up with them. But now I'm just that not-important weird girl, you don't even have to say "hi" to her, because she's fucking awkward. I don't even know if I should be pissed off, or sad. Probably both. Because those people can't do anything else than making a hell from your life.

They'll send you anonymous messages about how stupid you are and how they want to beat you up. They'll laugh at your photos. They'll laugh at things you created and worked hard on it. They'll laugh at that you want to be something more. They'll say bad things about you, so people you never met will know you as "asocial lesbian, who thinks she's so badass and beautiful" or something like that.

Only because of that how do you look or what do you like. I just can't take it no more. They even don't know a single shit about me. They don't know what it's like to be me. I'd wish each one of them to live a one day in my life. I want them to feel that pain, that suffering, I want to see them solving my problems. I want to see them how they'll eat, when they'd be fat like I am. I want to see them laugh, when your family is broken. I want to see them going outside, when they had to take a care about people they love at home.Try to be like me, try to be like us and then fucking speak.

btw. sorry for all the mistakes in the text, English isn't my born language and I'm too tired to write it correctly.

I am wrong, I am down.

It's mine typical time for depressive thoughts. It's the time when everyone's sleeping, when there's only me, hidden in darkness in my room.

I always think about everything for so long. It always starts like that I'm just thinking about stuff what happened and then I start to think about what will happen, what could happen and so on. I think about myself too. Because that's the thing I'm not thinking of a lot in the course of a day.
I'm thinking about that why I'm being so naive and think that I will have a better life one day, when I just can't take this life. And I'm only sixteen. It's been six fucking years already.

Six years of pain. And I just don't know how long I will be able to keep this pain inside. How long I will be able to smile at the others when I cry at night and all I want to is to be someone else. I think that I'm gonna go crazy because of all of this shit. Seriously. I can see how annoying I am, how grumpy and different than I was before. And this is what brought me to panic attacks and anxiety.

It's happening to me more than I was used to. I think it all started one day when I was at grandma's and I was really depressed, because my old friends stopped to talk to me and said bad things about me behind my back. One of them probably, wrote me a message, something like I changed and I'm playing that I'm someone else to be cool. It hurted so fucking bad. I remember how I started to breath fast, went away from my laptop, started to shake, heart beated slow. I was crying on the floor. I woke up my little brother. He came to me and said: "Luce, what are you doing? Go sleep to bed." and he slept with me there, hugging me tight.

I swear, if my little brother wouldn't be there, I would give up in this moment. It always bring me tears to my eyes. And this is how my thoughts are going. Every fucking night. And I'm sick of that already. But I can't help it. So I'm just saying the same things, writing it there, annoy you with them, just to get them out of me. But it's not helping actually. So I don't even know why I'm still trying.

Actually why I'm still TRYING? It'll never be good. It'll go like this forever. This is why nobody can be with me. It'd piss him off, those depressive moods and thoughts, he would probably kill me, if I had someone. So why the fuck am I wondering if I'll find someone one day? I'll die alone. And that makes me sad. Because I can't do anything with that. Even if I tried. I can't. It's in me. Nobody can help it, though. Even I think that the only thing I really wanted was that I want to be loved, I want to know I'm important for someone.

Few days ago I had a weird dream again (maybe it's because of those "I'm gonna beat you up" messages on ask.fm - I don't really care about them already, I just want to know why someone want to beat me up, then he/she can do it, whatever.), so there were some guys and they beated me up. Like seriously beated me up. I was bleeding, everything hurted, I was almost dying. When they left, I fell asleep. And then I wasn't in my body, but I looked at myself in a hospital. And no one came. No one.

Thanks to this dream, I felt more lonely then I ever was. So before I fall asleep now, I just think about this brutal things unfortunately, about being beated up and what persons around me would do. I just really want to know, if there's really someone who would REALLY care.

But that's just my stupid thought, like everything else on this blog. So, you shouldn't even pay attention on that. Everytime I write something, I feel somehow ashamed for that. Sorry.

And now, I think I can go to sleep.
Goodnight.

Show me hidden in layers.

I'm never going to public in my swimsuit. Never.
Everyone look so perfect. Like fucking robots. No, seriously. I looked at those skinny girls and I thought I'm going to explode, because I said yes, when my dad asked me, if I want to go there. Even when I bought swimsuit what hide a lot, it wasn't enough.

I was so ashamed for my body like I never was. Where are those days, when I just said: "So what." and went to swim? They're gone. Forever. I was also paranoid. I thought that everyone's looking at my fat parts. It was, ugh, I just can't do it again. Don't want me to do it.

Maybe I'm not fat, but I feel this way.

Eating disorder

Yes, I think I have an eating disorder, even I thought that it'll never happen to me.
I always was like: "Oh my god, I would never stop eating, it's such a bullshit, you know. I'd rather be fat.". Well and without noticing it, I almost stopped eating. It started like that I wasn't hungry and if I was, I didn't want to eat, because it just disgusted me. Because everytime I eat something, I feel sick.

I know that I'm not that fat. And I don't know why is this happening. I'd like to eat, but I can't, you know? I eat once a day and if something good won't happen, I think my body will be soon without energy to do anything. I've got something fixed in my brain probably. Since those days people called me fat-ass, even people I thought they like me. And maybe after so many years of listening, something in my did "click" and my body changed in this way.

I don't know what to do, I think that when finally I have no problems with other people, I've got problems with me. With my health, with my personality.

What else to say, it sucks guys and I would never ever wish those things what are happening to me to my worst enemy.

Shaking.

Do you know that feel, when you're just like all alone with your thoughts? Like when you thinking about yourself, about what you're doing wrong and why is everything so fucked up?

This is exactly that moment, when I feel so lonely, so fucked up, so stressed out that I'm starting to shake. It's like... I don't even know. I just can't stop it. It's just happening. My heart beating so slow that I think that I'm going to die.

It's not because I'm cold, it's because all the shitty things what are happening. It's because that I just kept this pain locked for so long and didn't tell anyone. It's because I know that I won't feel better. Because there's no way. It's because I feel so lonely, too far away from people who could help me.

And all things I can do is curl up in my bed, forget my name, forget my face, forget that I've ever existed, cry and try to sleep.
This is what if feels like to be me in those moments.

I tried to find out why I'm shaking and I can't stop. Because I really don't wanna to tell someone, so I googled it. I found out that I probably suffer by panic attacks and anxiety. Seriously, this is the "best fucking life" what somebody can have.

Don't know what I'm gonna do with this.

I wish I could be something or somebody else.

Yeah, I'm writing stupid stuff there only when I feel bad. Sorry. But this is why I decided to make this blog. Actually everytime I go there, I hope it's for the last time, but it's never like that. I always come back a write something about how bad I feel.

Just right now. I don't know, my life isn't so bad recently. Problems aren't so great and so on. But the mistake is in me. I don't know why, but with every day I feel more and more useless, annoying little piece of shit. I'm trying to ignore that, but when I stop for a while and start thinking, I really don't like myself. No, I hate myself. Seriously. There's only a few things I like about me, but those things other people don't know and they don't want to.

There's times when I look to the mirror and cry. If I was someone else, I think I would say something like "It's not that bad." well, maybe it's not that bad, but for me is. For no reason... Well, there are reasons.

I think I'm so annoying, so weird, so awkward, more asocial than I was, not important - because no one ever miss me (besides my internet friends probably...), fat-ass, not funny, stupid and so on.
How can I believe in myself more, when I see only this when I look at me. Only people in my real life see it. Internet friends don't see it probably only because I'm more open here. But being open for people in my real life? It's too late. They don't give a fuck about me, and if they do, it's only insults.

And I think it gets "better" with every moment. I think I have some sort of eating disorder. It's been 4 days already since I ate more than only once a day. I'm not hungry. I'm not. I just don't need to eat. But only one person who knows about it is me. (And you know, if you read my shitty thoughts) I think I would get more shit for that than I'm already getting now.

Also yesterday someone wrote my on my ask.fm. Anonymously, of course. It was something about that how someone wants to beat me up. And you know what? I didn't care... I just fucking didn't care if something will happen. It's natural that people have that instinct of self-preservation, right? I didn't had it in this moment. I think I wouldn't even care if they would seriously do it. And maybe I wouldn't even fight back.

Because my self-confidence is lower again. Because I would beat myself too.
Sorry for everything.
Sorry for being me.

Gone.

I was gone for a long time.
I know.

I have no internet, at first. It's really hard for me, because people over the internet keeps me alive. They understand and they don't laugh at me, while I'm talking to them about my problems. So I always miss them. But it's holidays, so I'm staying at grandma's house. And... I even didn't know if I should continue to write those depressive arcticles. I started to write a diary instead. But it didn't last long. Of course nothing changed. Everything's still the same. I'm the same. Or maybe just a little more emotional and sensitive. I feel so nervous recently. I think that when someone tells me something personal, I just start to cry and die.
I have no idea why I feel this way. Well, it's better though. I mean my problems. But I'm not okay. Sometimes I think I need a help. But I don't want to be annoying.

I'm still really confused by myself. I'm depressed, I'm really depressed, but I can hide it. Like a proffesional. And I still lie to myself, it's just an illusion, to make myself feel better for a while. But when I'm alone just with my thoughts, it always ends like that, that I'm sad.

I seriously don't know why I wrote this shit there. I just wanted to do it.
Yes. I'm still alive.

Death.

I'm scared. I am so fucking scared.
When people who do you love, no matter what happen, because they were the one who created you, who gave you life... when they tell you that they want to be dead... it's horrible.
It's like... there's nothing what can make them stay. Even not the kids. I'm not surprised by my depressions when the people who gave me life had fucked up life and personalities.

I'm not afraid of death (well, maybe I am, kind of). I'm not afraid of death when it has something to do with me. It's just... I'm not too important, I never was. It's not like I'm the one who's the head of our "family". But when I'm so scared when someone I love, even I'd like to stop to love this person, say: "I wanted to kill myself yesterday. I didn't know if I should come home." it's like crashing hearts and feelings and that wet trails of tears down on your cheeks.

Aggression, fear, pain.

That's what it feels like to be at home. For everyone. There's no happiness, there's no such a thing like: "It feels like to be home.". How I said, this place where I live is just a big, cold house. With all of these feelings. I want to run away. Every fucking time. But I don't have a place where to go... And if I had, I wouldn't do it.
Because I'm just too stupid to do that.
I care to much to do that.
I'm still naive and I think it gets better, that I'll help it.
But no one feels the same way like me. We're destroyed, we're just cut into pieces. It's not a family. It's just a bunch of few different people. And between them is just biologicall bond. Nothing more.

Yes, feels. But we never showed them. And we'll never do.

I don't know how it'll end. I'm just worried that death is closer than before.