Just a piece of crap

Yesterday, oh yes, it was awful.

And I need to get it all out, even if doesn't help no more, though. I know it may sound stupid (and yes, it was absolutely stupid), but it all started with my broken laptop, and of course, it was broken thanks to my sister who was there all the time and she's famous in breaking things. Especially computers. It's not like I would be super obsessed by computer itself, it's because I'm obsessed with people on the internet, I'm obsessed with this life what makes me wanna live. And when it's just gone, it's like there's no hope for me. It's like you lose all the people you love in the same moment, because I don't have any other way to keep in touch with them.

So, yeah, I got into the fight with my younger sister. I wouldn't be that much emotional if there wasn't a milion things to deal with and if she wouldn't piss me off so much and laugh right to my fucking face when I cried. I don't normally punch people, but when I do, it's some serious shit, of course I've started to apologize right after I did that. Do you think she accepted that? Hah, no. She punched me right in the temporal bone and it hurted that bad I think I zoned out for a while, because when I opened my eyes, my mom was there and she was screaming at us both and all I could do was to go to my room and cry and want to die. I thought about that a lot. Now I think how childish I acted. How I'm becoming a monster who I don't want to be.

I don't want to be that agressive fucker. I never was. And then there's the fear that I might act like that one day. That I won't stand it and I'll just punch people. I don't want to. I'm such a fucking bitch. If I'd be some other person I would torture myself to death, I swear. But on the other side, how should I react when my life is a complete shit, when everything is stressing me out, when I don't feel important, or nice or whathever, when I want to die and the only thing that keeps me alive is internet and all of my internet friendships out there. I wouldn't be there now. I wouldn't be writing it if I wouldn't talk to these people, who (and I don't know why) like me for who I am, even it's the worst thing about myself, though. Also I was afraid that if that one person would find out about that broken computer, he'd literally beat me up to the death. Thanks God I somehow made my laptop work for a while.

And that's why I did it again. That's why I cried for hours in my room so loudly, I don't even care if anyone hear me, no one came and no one will ever come, because my crying is clearly not some important thing because no one there cares about how do I really feel how much I do wanna die, how much this all is stressing me out. That's why I took that fucking razor from its hideout and cut my already healed thigh. I'm glad that it was only thigh. I really wanted to die, because I had no reason why to live there anymore. Well, there are some people, but I believe they'd get over this, they'd have their own lives and everything, you know. And I hate myself so much. There's no way I will ever like me. And I will start to bore everybody, sooner or later. It's true and I have a milion reasons why I should think that.

I've stayed at home again. Because of this depression and also my head hurted really bad after that punch and a lot of crying. And I'm starting to worry that I'm doing the same shit I did last year. I skipped school because I wouldn't stand it. Because all I do is crying. And I wouldn't be able to look into my friends' face and pretend I'm happy just to make them happy. Normally I can do it, but not now. I'm starting to think that I really do need those antidepressants that my aunt offered to me. I need some help. But I know that I can't tell anyone there, because they'd be like: "Oh my god, you're such a drama queen, you are the suffering one? Are you kidding me? What should I say!?" and so on. And I don't want this.

They'd be better without me, they already said something like this. All I can think of was: "be careful what you wish", but I didn't say it loud.

It's all, though. I hope you feel better than me.

Lonely and empty

Lonely. That's the word. I never felt that much lonely than I feel right now. I feel like there's no one near me who would hug me, listen to me. There's no one and I need someone so bad. I know I can't deal with this alone. Shit, I don't even know if I can deal with this at all. Probably not. It's just too much. And I know that I repeat all the things again, but I feel still the same.

I worked so hard to not to care about that pain in my chest, in my head, all over my body. I did well, though. I made this mask and I've tried not to write all of this on twitter, or my friends, because I know they'd only worry about me and I don't want them to be sad just because of ungrateful little piece of shit I am. With this mask, I felt nothing. Literally nothing. I just studied a lot, because school is really stressful for me and it worked for some while. But this mask broke up not so long ago. And I officially don't know what else I can do.

I can't even eat properly again. I feel ugly and fat again. I feel that I'm not important, again. And I can do nothing about this. I can see that my friends can work properly without me, they seem even happier when there's no one who would tell them about his problems, right? I'm trying so hard to not to look sad at school, because it would make them feel bad and I would feel even worse. But when I come home, I always end up in my bed, hidden under the covers, watching the screen and listening music, and of course, hours and hours of crying that makes my head hurt. Pills before I go to sleep are my daily routine now.

Pills... I thought about them a lot. Not like in the way I thought about them before, not like - the reason of my death, but the reason of my healing, though. Not so long ago, someone told me that he could help me. I told him everything, I've cried like a little baby and then he said that we can do it secretely, to find me a psychologist and get me pills somewhere. I felt like a crazy at first and I told myself that I have to go outside and speak to people. It helped a little. I wasn't at home that much.

But the more I am out, the more I feel the tense at home. And I feel how I'm going under. I'm falling into this hole of pain, fear and that scary death wish. I don't want this anymore and I don't know how much I can handle. I can see how much weaker I am with every newer article. I have that feeling that it's just wrong I'm there. One big mistake, my existence is just a big waste of time. Instead of someone like me, there could be someone better, someone who can do something great, who wouldn't have problems like me, who wouldn't be that ugly, weak and depressed.

Also my 17th birthday will be this Saturday and I feel bad. I feel bad because - how I said - I feel like my existence is just a big waste of time. There are people who already have some normal social life, they did something awesome, or they are already awesome and I can't see anything good about my 17 years old existence. I wish I would never born. Everything would be so much easier.