Needed to get it out again

They should lock me somewhere. So I could stop ruining people's happiness. I should have never born. I should have never join the internet. I feel like it was a mistake even if it is not. Like... I don't know how to describe this, but I feel like everyone would feel better if they wouldn't even know that I exist. I'm starting to think that I should delete all of my accounts and so on, you know. But it's just too late. I know I wouldn't be able to leave these people even I'm hurting them and they don't see it.

Today was another terrible day. I feel like a shit. Yet again. The mask. I spent some time with my friend, but when she started to complain about those girly things about guys I sighed and started to realize how alone I am again. It's not like I just need boyfriend to make people around me stare, but because I don't want to feel alone. I need hugs, I just need to lay in silence, listen to music and cry in someone's arms like I did it when I was little. But I'm not little anymore and nobody cares if I cry because it's just everyday stuff.

So I went home like this and there was that one drunk motherfucker who pissed me off so much so I've told him the true and he said this to me: "You fucking bitch, you're pissing me off, get the fuck out I don't want to see you." I went to the bathroom and.. well... cut my wrist this time, which is pretty fucking stupid becaue what the hell, I need to hide it all the time... but I needed to get out of the house again. I texted to my friend and I couldn't stand it when I saw him and I cried like an idiot in front of him. We were walking around the town and he tried to cheer me up, but it didn't work actually.

And like if it wasn't enough he started to talk about realitionships and what kind of realitionship we have and what realitionship he had with his ex and how he thinks about her, so mostly - I had to listen to his problems and I was thinking about mine. So I went home earlier.

I was glad he was sleeping.

So now I'm there, crying because of loneliness and because I'm unmature ugly shit with no life that doesn't want to wear that mask tomorrow. Goodbye.

Birthday...

Well, happy fucking birthday to me.

This day is one of the worst. I think it my birthday’s fault, one one side. On the other side, it’s still me and my fucking problems. Well you know how you celebrate birthday with your family? Well, they even didn’t say „happy birthday“, only one of them. In a text message. But then nothing, when I saw her, and I won’t even mention the another one. This made me sad. Even more sad than I was before. I’m used t that that I cry every fucking moment of my life, but this was just rude. I won’t be sad because of fucking „happy birthday“, I’m sad, because I’m simply overlooked. Yet again. It’s like I’m an automatic thing that appears everytime they need me. Like a fucking robot.

I needed to get out. So I went to café with my friend and her girlfriend. Even it was fine, it made me realize how fucking lonely I am. Like everytime I see some couple. This is just a crap. It gives me no confidence at all. I feel ugly like a shit. I feel annoying, I feel so fucking awkward, so hella weird. I just hate myself and I dunno what am I complaining about when I know how many mistakes I’ve got. Nobody wants to be with that fat-ass, weird, suicide girl with no life. Who would be like that? Nobody wants this unhealthy realitionship. I would only make him sad. I would destroy him as a person. I do not deserve anyone. But I hate being alone. Well well, my fault. All of this. My fault. If I wouln’t be one ugly and annoying motherfucker…

And when I arrived home, I was so pissed off, so depressed. I needed to get out. I went with another two of my friends outside and fuck, talking about my mood made my mood even worse. And I had to pretend. ALL THE FUCKING DAY. I had that fucking mask. That mask that told people I am happy. That mask that broke hours ago and I stayed in my bed, crying like an idiot, thinking about my death what would be in the same day as my birthday so I would just simply make it easier to people around, that they'd cry only one day after in one year (well, after some years with dealing with it, or months... or days, whatevs), just like always. My hysterical crying. I didn’t care if anyone will hear me. No one will ever come, so, whatever. They gave up long ago. It’s like they almou waiting for my final breakdown.