Again.
You don't even wish how much I want to stop writing there, because always I write there, I feel like a shit. Just right now. I think that I've got a depression for 3 last months? With a few breaks? I don't know, but it's just too long. Too long even for me. And I'm used to keep it inside of me, suffe a lot, but I feel so broken now, like I don't have a strength to keep it up. No. I don't. I seriously don't.
You already know how do I feel about myself. That I think that I'm disqusting, useless, fat, ugly, stupid little shit. I feel like this all the time. Every fucking day. And I'm so sick of this already. But there's no way I can run away from this. There's no hope for me. No more. And with all those feelings, it got worse. I won't tell you what exactly got worse, because it's really kind of personal for internet world, but it just hurts, it hurts so bad. I didn't know that it could be worse, but it is.
It's not just a psychical pain, it's also physical right now. I feel sick, I can tell how weak I feel. How my body hurts, just like everything else. And all I can do is hiding everything.
And I'm hysterically crying every night. Just like right now. I'm trying to do my best to act normal, but sometmes it's just too much to handle. I probably start to hate that sentence "it'll be better", no it won't be better. Do you know why? Even if I'd run away, even if it wouldn't happen to me like at all, I'll still have my memory, I'll still know, deep in my heart, how bad it hurted. I'm broken and I'll never fix myself. Not fully. I'm too weak for this, I can't do that.
And that's why I did it again. That's the reason why I did that stupid thing I thought I'll never do, because I promised to a lot of people. I can't look into their eyes. But it's not that easy how it seems, you don't know how it feels like cry a fucking hour in your bath, because you feel so ugly and then you calm down after you do that THING and act like nothing happened. Then you go to sleep and cry because of every good damn reason and you can't stop. That's why I'm so tired recently, I don't get enough sleep, also two last nights I had really live nightmares.
I don't know, what I should do. I thought I should give up. I really think about it a few hours per day. I'm thinking about the ways I could end it. But I wouldn't do it. Because I care too much about people around me. And even I'm such a useless emotional shit that doesn't get love, because it doesn't deserve it, I can't do that, I'm still there for those people.
I want to be selfish bitch sometimes, but I'm not like this. I know that with my death, I would make even more problems and that's not what I need. I just have to wait, suffer, slowly die inside to be more emotionless.
I don't even talk that much with some of my friends that much, I forget to eat, I think that nobody needs me, I'm such an annoying human, I know it. There's just impossible to stay with me for a longer time, because everyone leave me. Sooner or later. It always happens. And then I ask myself "why?", and those voices in my head will answer: "Because you just don't deserve that, you're not interesting, or important, you're ugly, you're not funny, are you seriously thinking that there is someone who will like you? Ha."
I suffer by bigger anxiety, my panic attacks are happening more often, tears on my face is just totally normal thing for me and I don't even know when I had a really good mood the last time. I wish I could be that happy little girl I was. But I can't. I had to grow up too soon, I had to solve problems I shouldn't care about, I had to put all my childhood away and now I'm that asocial teenager, thanks to that. Thanks to past 6 years of changing from happy kid to emotional, depressed, burned lost soul.
I think that's all I had to say... I'm not strong enough to keep writing, because I just want to curl up in my bed and cry again, sob silently so no one can hear me. It's not like somebody would actually care... but still. I'm sorry for all the mistakes in my English, I'm too lazy to fix them.
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