JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY

You don't know how much I want it. I wanna do it so bad. Nobody would even fucking care here. Today I finally let it out. They were screaming again, they fucking came here, to this room and started just in front of me. I was between them, silent, shaking, still trying my best to stay calm. And then... I just spat out: "ALL I WANT IS FUCKING DIE" and they ignored me. I was helplessly crying, screaming and then whispering still the same sentence: "I wanna die, I wanna die for a few past years." they didn't care. They didn't say anything.

In one moment my head started spinning, all I thought about was: "Yes, finally, fucking fall down on the floor and don't wake up again." but nothing happened, my eyes just rolled and then I was still standing between them. Still was in a hell. I'm telling you, something doesn't want me to finally die. Somebody wants me to suffer and slowly dying inside before I die completely.

I just can't. I'm still trying to save something what can't be saved and I am so fucking done. All I can think about is how and when I will finally end my existence. I cry all days because of it. In a few past days I had more panic attacks than before in a fucking month. I want to end it. I don't want to be here. I'm so pissed off I can't do it. That I'm not strong enough to end it.

I even thought about that I will be somewhere at night, I will piss off some drunk psycho guy, so he would kill me or something, because I'm too chicken for that. I'm horrible human being. I don't know why someone like me has to live. Instead of me, there could be some beautiful, loving, smiling girl. Stronger than me, she would go and reach for her dreams, not like me.

I don't know when I will do it, I just know it'll be soon. I can't be saved, I'm horrible.

Face to face

I still feel the same.

I'm kind of pissed off. Again because of myself. I did it again. I was too weak to end it completely and instead of it I did this shit. It would be better if I wasn't too chicken yesterday. It would be better if I wasn't just hysterically crying in the bathroom and just thinking about it. I was about to do it. I seriously was about to do it... Nobody would notice it in that time. They would find out after a few hours. They still think that I'm in my room. It was a perfect moment.

And I didn't do it. I was shaking like an idiot, crying, but I didn't do it. Not fully. Told you already, I did THAT shit again. But I didn't end it. I don't know how I should feel about it. I'm probably just too weak for that. And the other day I was pissed off I didn't do it, maybe it would change things, you know.

Maybe my death would make them think about what are they doing and thanks to that they'd act better. And it'd be better place to live for the others I love. And that's all I want, or not? I want them to be happy. So why the fuck I didn't do that? It would be better then, I bet. Okay, maybe they'd be sad, but time will heal everything. And if that means they would have a bright future, I just have to do it.

I'm just too fucking selfish. That's all.

And I'm weak and I think it'll hurt. Even I know that I'm already hurted and there were milion things what made me suffer and after this bigger thing I would feel the calm, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to do it, even I know it'd be the right thing for me. There are people like me, their destiny is to end like that. And I can't do shit about it. Even if I'd want. I can't.

I would like to finally lose this fear and do it. If I was face to face with death and I will always back off and I don't wanna. All I want is to end it for others' happiness. Why the hell I can't do that? Why? This is one thing what goes to my list: What I hate about myself, which keeps getting bigger with each upcoming day. There's no way I can stop it.

I've tried to take pills again. It didn't help.
I don't think there will be something what will ever help me.
I just don't deserve that.
I'm not meant to be saved.

I always come back

... Because I'll never get better.
I'm just so fucking done. What did I do to him that he's treating me like that? Am I seriously that much useless piece of shit? Am I seriously bothering him that much because I'm fat? He probably thought that I'll look like some fucking model, that I will be perfect, that I will be just like him.
Yeah, and instead of it he gets an ugly, asocial, stupid, fat, emotional shit. No wonders he hates me. I don't know what else instead of stop eating I should do to make him shut up every time I go to the kitchen. I always refuse to eat what he'll cook, I'm trying to eat a little when he can't see me, but it's just not good enough.

I can't just live with this shit anymore. I can't. I pretend the whole day that I'm happy. I'm also pretending even on the internet, the place where I should be myself. And it's just not alright anymore. I wish I'd never born. It bothers me everyday more and more.

And I feel like everyone's leaving me. No wonders, I'm the most boring, not-interesting person I know. People can't stuck with me for more than a few weeks. And that's the record by the way. The true question is why am I even asking, when it's obvious. Everything I think of myself it's true and everyone else are just too chicken to tell me that. They hate the same things I hate about myself. I'm just meant to stay alone for the rest of my fucking life, because nothing good will ever happen to me.

I don't deserve that. There's so many people who deserve that more than me. I'm just stupid naive teenager, who thinks that it'll get better. It'll NEVER get better. I just don't believe it. It will be always there, it will be always slowly killing me inside. It'll kill me one day. So why I should keep waiting? Why not to end it all soon?

I know that sentence "You'll never know what will happen." yes, but I know myself. And I know how stupid I am. And I know that even there would be something good what should happen to me, I'll refuse it and I'll rather suffer for others' happiness. It makes me sick. But that's why I'm here. I'm not here to be happy, I'm here to try to make others happy and forget about myself completely.

And maybe I should finally give up and get used to it, maybe I should take those fucking pills what will calm me down and make me a good person with no brain. It would be fine. Only if it wouldn't hurt that much. I still cry everyday and I don't think it'll ever end. I'm stressed out and all I want is not to exist. It's just useless. I'm just another replaceable person.

And that's all I wanted to say.