It's bigger

Bigger pain, bigger hate, bigger scars...
I don't want to lie, because I'm lying to everyone, so I'll be the honest one there. I feel like a shit. Not just because I did it again, also because they make me to feel like a shit. The only thing they can do is to scream at each other or scream at me to get their anger out. I don't fight back. Why should I? It's better this way. It's better to let them scream their hearts out at me, let them to vilify me, because they're calm after that. I'm just sitting there in silence, staring to their eyes until I can feel my tears on my cheeks. It pisses me off so much. I wish to be that strong, I don't want to cry, I wanna show them that somebody's there is okay with them and that somebody's trying to help them.
But they don't care. They'll never care. They don't know who I really am, what I actually feel, I won't let them to know it. It'd be even worse. I've tried to tell it to one of them and she told me that I'm being over-dramatic and stupid bitch. I told her that I want to die, she didn't care, she ignored it. And when I told him once, he told me: "Ha, yeah, of course, then just do it." I wish to turn back time so I could seriously do it. Turning back time, that would be awesome, I could never discover internet, I could never hurt people there and I could just die.
This actually reminds me one of my dreams, when I was about eight? My older sister had some similiar problems with self-harm and when she got over it, I had dream about myself, that I'm going to some gate (which looked like a gate to hell) and I arrived to my room (it didn't look like my actual room, everything was pink) and then I saw my future self self-harming, my younger self kicked that razor from my hand and I have to laugh how stupid I was, when I was young and I was telling my mom about this dream and I was like: "I could never do it."

And - look at me now.

I can't even work properly without doing it atleast once in a month. The fact, that I did it yesterday makes me wanna cry... I never did it this big. It was only a few scars at first and now... what the fuck is even that!? It's getting huge. It probably because of the bigger pain I feel. He made me cry again yesterday and when I stopped he came again and made me want to die. I was shaking, sobbing and he was still screaming at me how I'm working only for 20%, how dumb I am, how ugly I am, how my art isn't important, how I'll never gonna be SOMEONE.
I feel so fucked up. I wanna throw up, when I look at my existence. I hate everything about myself, my face, my body, my terrible personality and I feel sorry for everyone who met me. That's it.

Hope you're feeling better than me.