Mess

I'm sitting there again, not very sure about what I'll write. Because my mind is a mess.

Do you ever feel stupid for feeling bad?
I feel like that all the time. Also awkward. And I feel bad for feeling bad. I feel like I'm a burden for a lot of people. Especially for my friends. I don't want them to be worried about me. I don't deserve their care and they don't deserve to feel bad because of me. I am an expert in destroying everyone's mood. That's my problem. Sometimes I just can't pretend that I think positive and they feel it.

I just want them to be happy and I can't keep them happy if I'll destroy their mood with my annoying and stupid personality. I just wish to be alone sometimes, sometimes I don't want to be helped, because I don't want to be anyone else's problem, sometimes I ask myself why am I still here.

I keep talking shit about that how I just can't go on and that nothing's better and I feel worse and worse. But I never was strong enough to end it. I'm such a coward. I don't even have hope, I don't like to be alive, I don't have anything to live for, I'm bothering myself with my existence, with my breathing, with my acting, with my face, just everything.

Today I went from school earlier and when I got home, I felt sick just from being there. He just commanded me, do this and do that, do my project to my school, make these posters, give me some food, shut up, get out... I just wish him to offer my death. I'd bow and tell him: "As you wish, my lord.", I'd so do that.
I think about how he'd react, how everyone would react.

I think about it everytime. I think about who would truly miss me, who would cry, who would be happy, confused, how they'd feel about my goodbye letter (I have to mention it probably wouldn't be a goodbye letter, but a goodbye book...), I think about who would find me... on the one side, I feel really awful that I if I'd do it, I could hurt to some people, but on the other side, I could save some by it and I could save myself.

That was everything I thought about when I cried and fell asleep again in my bed. I slept for an hour, though. When I woke up, he was even pissed off because of that I'm sleeping. I couldn't be there, so I went for a walk in the rain, it was like some scene from a bad, drama, teenage movie, because hey, the weather is the same like my mood again.

The atmosphere was awful there, everyone were annoying, they were all together and so fake it actually hurt. I was just waiting for another fight. It didn't last long in the end. But it was nothing I'm not used to. So I spent all evening all alone, telling everyone to go away, because I couldn't stand anyone's presence. And I still feel so fucked up because of everything that I'm forgetting to study on tests, thinking about excuses, because I don't want to go to school and meet all of those people...

Anyways I have to keep going and I don't want to, I really don't want to. I wish to find my mask again.