It's been 6 months already.

I seriously wanted to feel okay today. I seriously didn't want to end up there, writing absolutely useless shit. But, when you love something so much and then it's just away, you will remember forever when it happened. You've got something in you that's like an alarm.

I'm talking about My Chemical Romance, right now. It's been six months since they broke up. I think that I'll never fully describe how much they mean to me. What the taught me, they made me so happy, sometimes they even made me to be proud of who I am, their songs helped me to carry all those problems. People around me don't get it how can I feel this way only about a band.

This band save lifes. It really does. It helped me to go through depressions, their songs were louder than that neverending scream around me and also inside me. They gave me a hope that I can live my life, that someday I will be happy. They were my favorite band ever, they always will be. No matter what they do, I'll love each one of them and be so grateful.

When they ended up, I thought it will be the end of me too. I mean... Six months back I went through a lot of problems at same time, I thought it will be seriously the end. The end of everything. And when the only thing that made me happy, when it left me too. I had no hope. I felt so sick. I hated everything. I was so sad, I was crying non-stop. I would compare it to someone's death. And I'm not over-acting. Yes, I'm a little bit more emotional than the others, but I felt like this.

There were so many broken hearts all over me. Everyone were crying. And at home no one gave a shit about it. I was still in my room, my family just didn't get how can I be this upset. I needed to talk to someone, I even told my mom, but she said that it's not important. Her words were just so sharp. I didn't speak to anyone then.

I didn't want to eat, I couldn't sleep, I was even crying on the toilet because I felt that sick I wanted to throw up. After that, things got worse, there were all the problem I was already going through, but also people around me started to spread the bad things about me, those people were my friends, I was just so fucked up because of everything.

I didn't feel well, I think that it was the one of the most horrible times in my life.

Then I felt nothing.

After some time... my parents finally asked me what's going on. And it happens RARELY. Well, it's not happening, like at all. I had to do my best to not to cry in front of them. I didn't tell them everything, I just told them about my "friends" and that I truly loved MCR and I can't explain how much. They tried to cheer me up a little, it was fine to see them to finally work together.

I couldn't let them go, but after some time... I had to. You should let go the things you love, if it means that those things, in this case, people will be happy, you should be happy because of them, right?
I still miss them so much, I still cry sometimes, but... there's so many things that they left here. They gave me real friends, my new family. They showed me that I'm not alone in this, that I will get better. They taught me that I should believe in myself. And even it's so hard to believe those words, they really made me to be who I am. And not to be so ashamed of that.

And those things are the greatest things someone ever gave me. I will love them forever, no matter what, I still hope that they'll come back and if not, how I said - they left all those amazing things here and I'll appreciate them.

I had to write it all, because, it's my blog, you know. And I felt quite sad about it. But when I wrote it, when I wrote that end, I finally realize that I'm right about it.

I'd like to get some sleep

I'm wearing a mask.
The mask I'm grateful for, because if I wouldn't have one, I wouldn't be able to do anything. And when school started, it's super important to stay calm, just to give and illusion to people around you that you're "okay". Pft. Okay. What's even that feeling "okay"? I didn't feel something like this for a long time. And it scares me a lot actually.

Every day, when I arrive from school, it's the same. I'm going to my room, turn on the computer and stay like this all the day, because I know, if I wasn't there, I would be probably somewhere in the corner and thinking about horrible things I would do to myself. And I don't want to fall into this shit again. I fell a few times recently and I can't be more pissed off myself for that. I'm still repeating to myself, that I shouldn't do this, but when I can't see the light, it's only thing I'm able to do.

It's like I deserve this, you know. Every kind of pain, I don't know why, when I feel the pain, I just stand there and telling to myself that I deserve this. Even I don't. I really don't think that, I'm the only one person that still tries to save everything and everyone and they are not giving a shit about it. About me. I'm overlooked, I feel like an automatic thing that they know will show up everytime they're in trouble.

And I'm sick of this already. It's not my fault. It's not. But I have to save it, because I'm the only one who cares. I can't just let go something I really love. Something that's so important, my life depends on it. And that fact that no one cares about how do I feel hurts so bad, you know. I'm still naive and think it'll get better, but it doesn't. I'm waiting so many years, I don't think there's any hope left.

And that's what's running through my head recently and I can't tell. Anyone. Because they would think I'm just a crazy, moody, over-dramatic teenager. But it hurts. It seriously hurts and no one gets it. And that's why I'm trying to smile, I'm trying to act like nothing is happening, I'm trying to act like I don't think about how I should die. I'm trying to give them all this illusion.

Then, when I'm at home, I go to bed and just let it out. I'm screaming to my pillow, my eyes are full of tears and I can't stop, there's big pain in my chest, big hole in my heart that'll never fix up.

I'm choking.

And that's why I'm writing here.
Again.
You don't even wish how much I want to stop writing there, because always I write there, I feel like a shit. Just right now. I think that I've got a depression for 3 last months? With a few breaks? I don't know, but it's just too long. Too long even for me. And I'm used to keep it inside of me, suffe a lot, but I feel so broken now, like I don't have a strength to keep it up. No. I don't. I seriously don't.

You already know how do I feel about myself. That I think that I'm disqusting, useless, fat, ugly, stupid little shit. I feel like this all the time. Every fucking day. And I'm so sick of this already. But there's no way I can run away from this. There's no hope for me. No more. And with all those feelings, it got worse. I won't tell you what exactly got worse, because it's really kind of personal for internet world, but it just hurts, it hurts so bad. I didn't know that it could be worse, but it is.

It's not just a psychical pain, it's also physical right now. I feel sick, I can tell how weak I feel. How my body hurts, just like everything else. And all I can do is hiding everything.

And I'm hysterically crying every night. Just like right now. I'm trying to do my best to act normal, but sometmes it's just too much to handle. I probably start to hate that sentence "it'll be better", no it won't be better. Do you know why? Even if I'd run away, even if it wouldn't happen to me like at all, I'll still have my memory, I'll still know, deep in my heart, how bad it hurted. I'm broken and I'll never fix myself. Not fully. I'm too weak for this, I can't do that.

And that's why I did it again. That's the reason why I did that stupid thing I thought I'll never do, because I promised to a lot of people. I can't look into their eyes. But it's not that easy how it seems, you don't know how it feels like cry a fucking hour in your bath, because you feel so ugly and then you calm down after you do that THING and act like nothing happened. Then you go to sleep and cry because of every good damn reason and you can't stop. That's why I'm so tired recently, I don't get enough sleep, also two last nights I had really live nightmares.

I don't know, what I should do. I thought I should give up. I really think about it a few hours per day. I'm thinking about the ways I could end it. But I wouldn't do it. Because I care too much about people around me. And even I'm such a useless emotional shit that doesn't get love, because it doesn't deserve it, I can't do that, I'm still there for those people.

I want to be selfish bitch sometimes, but I'm not like this. I know that with my death, I would make even more problems and that's not what I need. I just have to wait, suffer, slowly die inside to be more emotionless.

I don't even talk that much with some of my friends that much, I forget to eat, I think that nobody needs me, I'm such an annoying human, I know it. There's just impossible to stay with me for a longer time, because everyone leave me. Sooner or later. It always happens. And then I ask myself "why?", and those voices in my head will answer: "Because you just don't deserve that, you're not interesting, or important, you're ugly, you're not funny, are you seriously thinking that there is someone who will like you? Ha."

I suffer by bigger anxiety, my panic attacks are happening more often, tears on my face is just totally normal thing for me and I don't even know when I had a really good mood the last time. I wish I could be that happy little girl I was. But I can't. I had to grow up too soon, I had to solve problems I shouldn't care about, I had to put all my childhood away and now I'm that asocial teenager, thanks to that. Thanks to past 6 years of changing from happy kid to emotional, depressed, burned lost soul.

I think that's all I had to say... I'm not strong enough to keep writing, because I just want to curl up in my bed and cry again, sob silently so no one can hear me. It's not like somebody would actually care... but still. I'm sorry for all the mistakes in my English, I'm too lazy to fix them.