I'd like to get some sleep

I'm wearing a mask.
The mask I'm grateful for, because if I wouldn't have one, I wouldn't be able to do anything. And when school started, it's super important to stay calm, just to give and illusion to people around you that you're "okay". Pft. Okay. What's even that feeling "okay"? I didn't feel something like this for a long time. And it scares me a lot actually.

Every day, when I arrive from school, it's the same. I'm going to my room, turn on the computer and stay like this all the day, because I know, if I wasn't there, I would be probably somewhere in the corner and thinking about horrible things I would do to myself. And I don't want to fall into this shit again. I fell a few times recently and I can't be more pissed off myself for that. I'm still repeating to myself, that I shouldn't do this, but when I can't see the light, it's only thing I'm able to do.

It's like I deserve this, you know. Every kind of pain, I don't know why, when I feel the pain, I just stand there and telling to myself that I deserve this. Even I don't. I really don't think that, I'm the only one person that still tries to save everything and everyone and they are not giving a shit about it. About me. I'm overlooked, I feel like an automatic thing that they know will show up everytime they're in trouble.

And I'm sick of this already. It's not my fault. It's not. But I have to save it, because I'm the only one who cares. I can't just let go something I really love. Something that's so important, my life depends on it. And that fact that no one cares about how do I feel hurts so bad, you know. I'm still naive and think it'll get better, but it doesn't. I'm waiting so many years, I don't think there's any hope left.

And that's what's running through my head recently and I can't tell. Anyone. Because they would think I'm just a crazy, moody, over-dramatic teenager. But it hurts. It seriously hurts and no one gets it. And that's why I'm trying to smile, I'm trying to act like nothing is happening, I'm trying to act like I don't think about how I should die. I'm trying to give them all this illusion.

Then, when I'm at home, I go to bed and just let it out. I'm screaming to my pillow, my eyes are full of tears and I can't stop, there's big pain in my chest, big hole in my heart that'll never fix up.

I am wrong, I am down.

It's mine typical time for depressive thoughts. It's the time when everyone's sleeping, when there's only me, hidden in darkness in my room.

I always think about everything for so long. It always starts like that I'm just thinking about stuff what happened and then I start to think about what will happen, what could happen and so on. I think about myself too. Because that's the thing I'm not thinking of a lot in the course of a day.
I'm thinking about that why I'm being so naive and think that I will have a better life one day, when I just can't take this life. And I'm only sixteen. It's been six fucking years already.

Six years of pain. And I just don't know how long I will be able to keep this pain inside. How long I will be able to smile at the others when I cry at night and all I want to is to be someone else. I think that I'm gonna go crazy because of all of this shit. Seriously. I can see how annoying I am, how grumpy and different than I was before. And this is what brought me to panic attacks and anxiety.

It's happening to me more than I was used to. I think it all started one day when I was at grandma's and I was really depressed, because my old friends stopped to talk to me and said bad things about me behind my back. One of them probably, wrote me a message, something like I changed and I'm playing that I'm someone else to be cool. It hurted so fucking bad. I remember how I started to breath fast, went away from my laptop, started to shake, heart beated slow. I was crying on the floor. I woke up my little brother. He came to me and said: "Luce, what are you doing? Go sleep to bed." and he slept with me there, hugging me tight.

I swear, if my little brother wouldn't be there, I would give up in this moment. It always bring me tears to my eyes. And this is how my thoughts are going. Every fucking night. And I'm sick of that already. But I can't help it. So I'm just saying the same things, writing it there, annoy you with them, just to get them out of me. But it's not helping actually. So I don't even know why I'm still trying.

Actually why I'm still TRYING? It'll never be good. It'll go like this forever. This is why nobody can be with me. It'd piss him off, those depressive moods and thoughts, he would probably kill me, if I had someone. So why the fuck am I wondering if I'll find someone one day? I'll die alone. And that makes me sad. Because I can't do anything with that. Even if I tried. I can't. It's in me. Nobody can help it, though. Even I think that the only thing I really wanted was that I want to be loved, I want to know I'm important for someone.

Few days ago I had a weird dream again (maybe it's because of those "I'm gonna beat you up" messages on ask.fm - I don't really care about them already, I just want to know why someone want to beat me up, then he/she can do it, whatever.), so there were some guys and they beated me up. Like seriously beated me up. I was bleeding, everything hurted, I was almost dying. When they left, I fell asleep. And then I wasn't in my body, but I looked at myself in a hospital. And no one came. No one.

Thanks to this dream, I felt more lonely then I ever was. So before I fall asleep now, I just think about this brutal things unfortunately, about being beated up and what persons around me would do. I just really want to know, if there's really someone who would REALLY care.

But that's just my stupid thought, like everything else on this blog. So, you shouldn't even pay attention on that. Everytime I write something, I feel somehow ashamed for that. Sorry.

And now, I think I can go to sleep.
Goodnight.

Shaking.

Do you know that feel, when you're just like all alone with your thoughts? Like when you thinking about yourself, about what you're doing wrong and why is everything so fucked up?

This is exactly that moment, when I feel so lonely, so fucked up, so stressed out that I'm starting to shake. It's like... I don't even know. I just can't stop it. It's just happening. My heart beating so slow that I think that I'm going to die.

It's not because I'm cold, it's because all the shitty things what are happening. It's because that I just kept this pain locked for so long and didn't tell anyone. It's because I know that I won't feel better. Because there's no way. It's because I feel so lonely, too far away from people who could help me.

And all things I can do is curl up in my bed, forget my name, forget my face, forget that I've ever existed, cry and try to sleep.
This is what if feels like to be me in those moments.

I tried to find out why I'm shaking and I can't stop. Because I really don't wanna to tell someone, so I googled it. I found out that I probably suffer by panic attacks and anxiety. Seriously, this is the "best fucking life" what somebody can have.

Don't know what I'm gonna do with this.

Dark.

Somehow I found out that dark is the best place I can be.
Dark freaked me out earlier. When I was little, I saw weird shadows and faces in it.
But now it's just like... safety. When you're alone in the dark, just with your thoughts, with yourself, you learn a lot about you, about your soul. There's no reason why you shouldn't act like the person who you truly are. You don't have to pretend. You just let those emotions inside of you go. Everything it's natural.
You don't care about how do you look, because in the dark it's hidden. And no one can judge you according to your face. It's just like my own world. Sometimes I like to keep the silence around me, but the most of time a listen to my favorite songs and nothing's better than this.
I've got a lot of inspiration... I can write, I can draw and even I feel alone, even I feel sad sometimes, this curtain of dark is comforting me. I'm not afraid. I'm not freaked out. You know, when you're little, you go to your parents' bed, because you're afraid? And when you're next to them it's like nothing can ever touch you? This feeling I've got in this room. And I'm glad to have this feeling, since I was too old to parents' bed.

It's fucking weird that I actually wrote those sentences just about the dark. I never thought I'll write something like this. Well, it's like I'm a psycho and weird. But I'm always weird. And I wanted to write it. I felt like it. And that's why I've got this blog.

Even it's boring and no one cares about it... I feel a lot of better after writing all my emotions out.

It's almost a tradition to leave you with a song, huh?