How long?

How long will I write these absolutely fucking stupid articles? How long will I feel like a shit? How long will they trying to destroy me? How long will I survive? How long does it take before I die?

Unfortunately, this day is even worse. He got drunk, again. She's hysterical again. I am nothing again and they ask me to solve their problems. He's telling me to get her away from him, she's screaming at me when I try to do it, hits me, because I want her to discharge her anger and after all, she thinks I'm on his side and I am tired of that poker face, silence and tears what they can't see even they're in front of them.

She's yelling at me because of some fucking eating disorder and I fucking don't care about food. I feel sick, I would throw up if I'd get something into my stomach. I fucking don't care about being healthy. For what? For longer living this shitty life? No, thank you.

Also I feel like a horrible person again, I can't help people I love, I'm causing trouble to people who like me, and I can't keep my promises, because I'm weak. My friend wanted to go out with me today, do you think I said yes? Well, I did, at first, then I thought about some excuse and send it to her. I feel so awful. I just wanted to cry and sleep and cry and sleep and maybe doing something while everyone there would be somewhere else. I think that it's absolutely obvious that I did self-harm even yesterday and I think I'll do it today too... Everything's FUCKED UP.

All I want is to not to be there.

I wish to never wake up, I wish to get a heart attack, I wish to be stronger to kill myself already. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to live this life, I don't want to be a punching bag and do nothing about it. I'm trapped and I don't see any other way out.

Hope you feel better, stay strong.

Trying to deal with the pain

And it's absolutely for nothing. I'm trying to draw, I'm trying to making fun of it, I'm trying to not to think about it, but it always come back. I'm seriously tired of everything. I'm tired of trying to live. I'm too dumb, I'll rather die alone and sad, just because I want to make them happy. They don't care about me. They don't care that I have my dreams, that I wanted to do something useful, that I wanted to show them I'm not a shitty person. But in the end, I am. And they were right.
All I do is crying. Like now. It's afternoon and I'm crying, I don't even save it for the night. I cry all days (not during school, I've got my poor mask) and I think that I can't do nothing else. I'll end up in this room, unable to do something, I'll end up like a human wreckage. And it'll be my fault. I'm the one who doesn't fight back, I don't even want to fight back. For what? For making even more fights? For making them unhappy and more angry? No, thank you.
Someone has to suffer for others' happiness and it happened to be me. Because I am stupid. But I am good for nothing, maybe just this. I let them discharge their anger on me. And I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to be quiet, but deep down it hurts like a bitch and every day I just break down in my room and cry for hours even for no reason. Everything they said, did to me, it's making me crazy. It's still there in my mind and I can get it out. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm just "surviving" somehow.
It's all the same shit. It's already boring how I keep complaining about the same things. Well, they're all the same, but everytime, it gets more huge.
The only thing I am afraid of that I'll never be able to live normally, if I'll ever leave. I don't think so. I'm that person who still goes back to the history and never gets over it. I'll never get over all of this shit. Never. It'll be still there in me, so, it just simply can't get better. That means that I don't even know what am I waiting for. I know all of this stuff that I have no future, my dreams can't come true, that I don't have any hope, I'm unusable. I know that and I'm still waiting for some miracle what will never come. How stupid. How stupid it was for someone up there to let me born. I hope he's enjoying my depressions and scars over my thighs.
It'd be really boring to have only happy people there, right? Let's make the ugliest and shittiest existence ever, she won't last long.

Oh dear Lord, how I wish to not to last long, I want to end it all. Only if I'd be strong enough to do something for my own satisfaction.

It's bigger

Bigger pain, bigger hate, bigger scars...
I don't want to lie, because I'm lying to everyone, so I'll be the honest one there. I feel like a shit. Not just because I did it again, also because they make me to feel like a shit. The only thing they can do is to scream at each other or scream at me to get their anger out. I don't fight back. Why should I? It's better this way. It's better to let them scream their hearts out at me, let them to vilify me, because they're calm after that. I'm just sitting there in silence, staring to their eyes until I can feel my tears on my cheeks. It pisses me off so much. I wish to be that strong, I don't want to cry, I wanna show them that somebody's there is okay with them and that somebody's trying to help them.
But they don't care. They'll never care. They don't know who I really am, what I actually feel, I won't let them to know it. It'd be even worse. I've tried to tell it to one of them and she told me that I'm being over-dramatic and stupid bitch. I told her that I want to die, she didn't care, she ignored it. And when I told him once, he told me: "Ha, yeah, of course, then just do it." I wish to turn back time so I could seriously do it. Turning back time, that would be awesome, I could never discover internet, I could never hurt people there and I could just die.
This actually reminds me one of my dreams, when I was about eight? My older sister had some similiar problems with self-harm and when she got over it, I had dream about myself, that I'm going to some gate (which looked like a gate to hell) and I arrived to my room (it didn't look like my actual room, everything was pink) and then I saw my future self self-harming, my younger self kicked that razor from my hand and I have to laugh how stupid I was, when I was young and I was telling my mom about this dream and I was like: "I could never do it."

And - look at me now.

I can't even work properly without doing it atleast once in a month. The fact, that I did it yesterday makes me wanna cry... I never did it this big. It was only a few scars at first and now... what the fuck is even that!? It's getting huge. It probably because of the bigger pain I feel. He made me cry again yesterday and when I stopped he came again and made me want to die. I was shaking, sobbing and he was still screaming at me how I'm working only for 20%, how dumb I am, how ugly I am, how my art isn't important, how I'll never gonna be SOMEONE.
I feel so fucked up. I wanna throw up, when I look at my existence. I hate everything about myself, my face, my body, my terrible personality and I feel sorry for everyone who met me. That's it.

Hope you're feeling better than me.

Thoughts

I thought I feel better. I always think that I feel better, but then, when I stop and think about it, I don't. I can pretend it went away, but it's still there. Forever. It's like a tattoo that I don't want and I don't have enough money to remove it.

Lately, I have another brutal thoughts about myself. It's not so long, but I didn't self-harm, for some days and I miss it. I seriously miss it. A lot of people think that it's for nothing and it's easy to stop. But it's not. You'll become addicted, cutting is like making holes to your body to let your demons go away, it's calming me down. All pain and all anger I've got in myself - I simply make myself suffer because I don't have nothing where I could let it out. I don't hate anyone enough to make him wanna suffer like I do, I'd rather keep hurting myself, it's easier.
Sometimes I think about how awesome it would actually be, if I'd let someone to beat me up, so I could just lay down and let other person to take a care of me. I want to die somewhere far far away from the others and all alone.
You know, even I keep telling that I don't want to feel like this anymore, sometimes I ask myself why do I even want it. I'm there for nothing, I'm a shitty human being, what I should do in this world, where I don't belong. Also, I am replaceable, I know I am. I don't get it why others don't want to see it, that they would actually feel better without me. That girl with depressions who keeps spoiling everything (like people's mood), that fucking burden they're worrying about wouldn't be there and everyone could finally breathe, get over it and fill that hole in their hearts with someone so much better and who is good enough. And finally, they don't need me, nobody actually needs me, they need themselves and other people who make them feel really happy, not me. And it's making me angry, because no one wants to tell me that I actually am like that.

I am who I think I am. I am ugly, fat, I spoil everything, I am awkward, I am not good enough, I am so fucking annoying, I am fake, I am everything of that and people should hate me. They should truly hate me like I hate myself so I could die and let some better person to replace me.

And that's pretty much it.

Lovey-dovey shit everywhere

Even that's the thing what doesn't annoy me that much like everything else, everyone around me keep talking about it and it pisses me off, kind of. I feel like I don't belong there again. I swear that every friend of mine is talking with me just about their realitionships, crushes and so on. And I am the only single one. I don't care if I'm single or not. I don't give a shit about it. No, seriously, how I could even think about liking someone and think that he would like me back, when I hate absolutely everything about myself and have no confidence at all, so even if it'd be true, I'd chase them away. I doubt there's someone who would like a girl like me, depressed, self-harming, dumb, fat, ugly and awkward kind of girl. Good joke.

But that's not what I was talking about. Suddenly, all around me started to being annoying (even I am the annoying one, though), they still ask me about my love life, if I have some crush, wondering if I'm still a virgin, if some guy finally touched me and blah blah blah. IT PISSES ME OFF. Fuck.
They simply don't understand that fact that I can't have a boyfriend because I would make him unhappy, I would pull him into my problems, he would see my cry all the fucking time, he would have to get used to that I self-harm sometimes, that I hate myself, that I talk about death a lot and tell me, who the hell got nerves for some shit like that!? ughhhhhhhhhhhh

I don't know. It's such a small problem compared to my other troubles, but I had to get it out too.

Mess

I'm sitting there again, not very sure about what I'll write. Because my mind is a mess.

Do you ever feel stupid for feeling bad?
I feel like that all the time. Also awkward. And I feel bad for feeling bad. I feel like I'm a burden for a lot of people. Especially for my friends. I don't want them to be worried about me. I don't deserve their care and they don't deserve to feel bad because of me. I am an expert in destroying everyone's mood. That's my problem. Sometimes I just can't pretend that I think positive and they feel it.

I just want them to be happy and I can't keep them happy if I'll destroy their mood with my annoying and stupid personality. I just wish to be alone sometimes, sometimes I don't want to be helped, because I don't want to be anyone else's problem, sometimes I ask myself why am I still here.

I keep talking shit about that how I just can't go on and that nothing's better and I feel worse and worse. But I never was strong enough to end it. I'm such a coward. I don't even have hope, I don't like to be alive, I don't have anything to live for, I'm bothering myself with my existence, with my breathing, with my acting, with my face, just everything.

Today I went from school earlier and when I got home, I felt sick just from being there. He just commanded me, do this and do that, do my project to my school, make these posters, give me some food, shut up, get out... I just wish him to offer my death. I'd bow and tell him: "As you wish, my lord.", I'd so do that.
I think about how he'd react, how everyone would react.

I think about it everytime. I think about who would truly miss me, who would cry, who would be happy, confused, how they'd feel about my goodbye letter (I have to mention it probably wouldn't be a goodbye letter, but a goodbye book...), I think about who would find me... on the one side, I feel really awful that I if I'd do it, I could hurt to some people, but on the other side, I could save some by it and I could save myself.

That was everything I thought about when I cried and fell asleep again in my bed. I slept for an hour, though. When I woke up, he was even pissed off because of that I'm sleeping. I couldn't be there, so I went for a walk in the rain, it was like some scene from a bad, drama, teenage movie, because hey, the weather is the same like my mood again.

The atmosphere was awful there, everyone were annoying, they were all together and so fake it actually hurt. I was just waiting for another fight. It didn't last long in the end. But it was nothing I'm not used to. So I spent all evening all alone, telling everyone to go away, because I couldn't stand anyone's presence. And I still feel so fucked up because of everything that I'm forgetting to study on tests, thinking about excuses, because I don't want to go to school and meet all of those people...

Anyways I have to keep going and I don't want to, I really don't want to. I wish to find my mask again.

Shaking hands

Hey, guess who's feeling like a shit again?

And guess who's being attention whore?

And guess who will write all those not-interesting things on my mind?

And guess who's crying right now?

I think that everyone already know the fact I actually hate myself, from the inside and also from the outside. I keep thinking why is there someone like me. I feel like my existence is completely such a waste of time and air. It was actually said to me. That if I wouldn't born, two people would have normal and happy life like everyone else. If I wouldn't born, they could be okay. Both of them. If I wouldn't ever exist, so many people would be saved. Family... friends... they'd never meet me and they'd be happy without that little fucker, who keeps complaining about her life, crying every fucking day, being suicidal...

No, just think about it. If I wouldn't exist, no one would be worried, they'd have their own problems and I wouldn't be there to make it all harder. 

Sometimes I think that was a huge mistake to tell my problems to some people... If they wouldn't know, they'd just think I've got a bad mood. I could play dumb and pretend I'm actually okay, that I live pretty normal life... Nobody would know and nobody would be worried about someone who doesn't worth it, to be honest. It's true. I know it's true.

But it won't last long... They'll get it. They'll get that they all would be happier without me, without my depression, without all of this shit. They could stop telling me all of those very kind words that I really appreciate but I'll never take them seriously, because I DON'T feel beautiful, important, useful, talented and all stuff. Simply because I AM NOTHING of it. They could stop being stressed out. I don't worth it, I seriously don't...

About a week ago, there was a huge fight again. I got hit because I wanted to. I wanted her to calm down, so I offered my face... Is it really that desperate? Anyways it worked. And I'll probably solve things like this. It works... for now. But it was a shock... of course. I had to get out. My "friend" told me that he'd help me, but I was waiting for 30 minutes and he didn't come... Well, this was pretty fucked up. I thought it'll be my last day. I didn't want to go home. I was walking around the town, crying like one sick fuck, because no one actually needed me. I didn't need myself.

After getting home, I had to listen how she screams at me about two hours. I had to listen all of this stuff that I am on HIS side, I don't know how she feels, that I pretend to be depressed, that I don't care about her, that I'm a bitch and that I'm telling everything to everyone and blah blah blah... she even told me something about being ugly and unwanted and that I'm acting like that because I can't get a boyfriend... Seriously, how fucking dumb it was. And finally, I was told that it could have been all better, if I wouldn't born...

And she was right. She was right only in this one point. I replied to everything else with screaming "go away" or whispering "you don't get it" "you get nothing" "you don't understand" "I want to die". Oh yeah, the last point, I told her I want to die. Do you think she reacted somehow? Nah, she ignored it. Maybe she said something about me being over-dramatic...

I was crying about four hours maybe... I had a horrible headache, I thought I will pass out, I wasn't able to look into her eyes and I didn't go to school another day. Because I just couldn´t.

And she acted like nothing happened... like always. It's not only her who does it. Everyone there does it. Why do I feel like I am the only one who actually fucking cares too much.

I keep asking myself - why me? What have I done. Am I that ugly, even on the inside so I deserve to suffer? Yeah, I think so. I don't know what else it could be. Some people born to be unhappy for the rest of their lives, it's not a fucking movie, it can happen and not everyone can have a happy end, and I am one of these people.

I feel so annoying... I feel so fucking fake. I keep trying to be happy, but after a few days, I'll just break down. Just like now.

I am sorry for bothering you.

I am sorry for existing.

Everything could have been better without me.