Dark.

Somehow I found out that dark is the best place I can be.
Dark freaked me out earlier. When I was little, I saw weird shadows and faces in it.
But now it's just like... safety. When you're alone in the dark, just with your thoughts, with yourself, you learn a lot about you, about your soul. There's no reason why you shouldn't act like the person who you truly are. You don't have to pretend. You just let those emotions inside of you go. Everything it's natural.
You don't care about how do you look, because in the dark it's hidden. And no one can judge you according to your face. It's just like my own world. Sometimes I like to keep the silence around me, but the most of time a listen to my favorite songs and nothing's better than this.
I've got a lot of inspiration... I can write, I can draw and even I feel alone, even I feel sad sometimes, this curtain of dark is comforting me. I'm not afraid. I'm not freaked out. You know, when you're little, you go to your parents' bed, because you're afraid? And when you're next to them it's like nothing can ever touch you? This feeling I've got in this room. And I'm glad to have this feeling, since I was too old to parents' bed.

It's fucking weird that I actually wrote those sentences just about the dark. I never thought I'll write something like this. Well, it's like I'm a psycho and weird. But I'm always weird. And I wanted to write it. I felt like it. And that's why I've got this blog.

Even it's boring and no one cares about it... I feel a lot of better after writing all my emotions out.

It's almost a tradition to leave you with a song, huh?

Neverending scream.

Yesterday was a good day, yeah, but with another day it ends.
No, it doesn't, I only got THESE moments again, even it has nothing to do with myself. But still... It's such a horrible feeling to know that persons who do you love, no matter what, because they gave you life, it's horrible feeling to hear them scream at each other, it's horrible to know that inside each of them is hate and pain. And their pain is also our pain. We're connected and I'll never have a happy memories for my childhood, or teenage years.
My memories will be dark, only with few light moments. All I could see would be my dark room, posters and screen, all I could hear would be music I love and scream and all I could feel would be pain and tears.
And all of these depressive, psycho thoughts would be only in my head, screaming at me to infinity. And that's everything what I've got. And the true is that I don't even try to change this. It's horrible to know that I'd rather feel like this than be happy and pretend there's nothing I should care of. I think that I don't even want to be like that. I can't pretend.

And it's there again... nothing. I feel nothing.

I don't feel sad anymore. But I don't feel happy.

During writing this it stopped. That scream stopped, for a while. That scream what hear everybody. But not that scream inside of me, it's neverending. But I can live with it.

I know that everything I write probably has no sense. But what article frome has some sense, right? I'll rather stop writing, I already write some shitty stuff. I'll leave you again with some song, to skip that awkward silence.

Today was a good day...

...After really long time.
Maybe it's just because of that I was in the school for the last time this week and holidays starts. Goodbye school, see you next Tuesday. Or maybe it's because of my amazing friends who support me no matter what, maybe it's because of you, maybe it's because of the Sleeping With Sirens, Pierce The Veil, The Used and My Chemical Romance (even it's still somehow painful to listen to them) and so on...
I really don't care.
But I'm glad for that. I feel finally better and it's just amazing. I don't care if it's on while again, but I'll try to stay positive as long as it'll be possible.

I really don't know what to say. I got no news or something, it was kinda normal and boring day in my life. So I'm all relaxed, looking on the screen. Oh, yeah, I'm sick, but it's nothing new, because I'm sick like all the winter and it just sucks. Where the fuck the spring weather is? I hate this winter/spring part between it, because I'm still sick because of cold, but also my allergy starts -_- (Yeah, I'm allergic to almost everything, cats, dogs, dust, feather, flowers...) But I'll be the whole holidays at home probably.

Crying over the bands, drinking tea, reading, writing, drawing, talk to my amazing internet friends... It sounds like a good plan.

I don't know what else to say, because I could start just talk about random shit and you don't want it, believe me. So, there's my song of the moment for a goodbye.

Have a great day.
Love,
Luce.

Blind.

It felt better today, though.
But I think I'll have some problem with buses. No, seriously, everytime I sit there and look trough the window, I feel so depressed, or something. And when's there some "friend" and asks me stuff, it's like... ugh... I'll tell him/her the true and then she/he looks at me like I'm a psycho, or something, or I'm just over-dramatic. (They all think that I'm depressed because my favorite band broke up, but I seriously get over it already.) I'm weird, but I think you already found out.

I'm seriously weird. Like, I always go and look on the people and think about their lives, like, why are they sad, or why are they angry, what personalities they can have. It's probably because I'm asocial. No, I'm not asocial, I can talk to people, be friends with them. Maybe I'm just watcher. Not stalker. Watcher. But still weird. And awkward.

But it's better be weird and awkward than be depressed.

I sat on my desk with my dear friend today, I laughed a lot. Everything were unicorns, rainbows, hot rock guys and bands and music and everything I needed. I finally getting better. Maybe not for long, but still - I'm glad for these moments. Even I have those times, when I just think about that everything's bad. And when I just remind it, I just stop laugh and think.

And sometimes I'm all like:

Why I should to look at the world like it's somethng beautiful, some nice place, where to live, when there's so much pain, suffering and fights? Should I act like there are no problems? Why? Just to make myself feel better? Be naive and lie to myself?

Maybe that's why I'm still so upset, because I just can't do that no more, lie to myself. But I can't get over those bad things and I can't see the good things, even if I try hard. I'd like to see that life isn't just black and white. It can be amazing too, but I just can't see it recently, just in few moments. That's my problem, though.

And that's why I'm complaining, because I'm really confused by myself, all that crappy love teenage stuff and problems and happiness, then depressions, it's like I'm not sure who I really am, or who the fuck are people around me? But, we have to understand ourselves before we'll try to understand the others, right?

This generation.

Few days, or weeks ago, I really don't know, I don't even care about the time. I was on the way home. I had actually great day with one of my friends, but I wanted to be at home, drink tea and listen to music, because it was really cold outside.
At square was some bunch of little kids, they could be around 8-12. But they yelled at each other and they seemed quite agressive, so I decided to go other way. It was almost evening and I really wanted to get home. And when I was almost there I heard their voices behind me. I speeded up my walking. I never had fear of kids in this age. Like, I'm 16, right? Why I should be afraid of them?
And then I heard: "Hey guys, let's invade her."
But I kept walking, I was naive and I hoped they meant someone else. But yeah, it was only me in this street. And then there was little boy, around ten and he had a fucking knife. I was shocked, scared, I stopped walking and then I just looked at him and he fucking started to laugh and made fun of me. Like... what the fuck? Then I turned around and the others was just like him. I kept my mouth shut, because I didn't know how to react. Should I say that they're dumb? But they could get agressive.
Should I start to scream? Or something? Instead of it I was just standing there, watching them laugh. After some minutes I turned around to go home and I was thinking about it. When I was in their age, I played with dolls, later I watched Naruto and I had a respect to older people. I really don't get it. I don't say that every in this generation is bad, but it makes me sick that there's kids like this.

I dunno why I wrote it there. Maybe I'm just too emotional and over-dramatic and care too much. But I just felt like it. I write everything what come to my mind, this is why I've got this blog, so I'll make this article a little longer.

In few last days I felt quite good. (Not at the weekend, because of MCR broke up) But after some time it hits me again. I really don't know why I just can't get over this. There's milions of people who suffer more than me and they're stronger than me. Maybe it's just too long, so I can't handle it. No more. It's been six years... At those times I thought: "Don't worry, it'll be better in few months.", when I was 12 I thought: "Well, after year it'll be fine." and now I don't even hope, I'll rather go and write my feelings there, cry in the shower, listen to sad songs and draw because it's better than believe in something that probably doesn't exist, like at all.

I don't know what I should write, because I know I can be seriously really annoying and I fuck up everything I start, I'll stop writing and go to sleep.

To everyone who's just like me: stay strong, you're not in this alone.

Love,
Luce.

Rainy mood.

I think I'm getting sick of everything.
Today is Monday, that means school. I was actually a little bit excited to see my friend, because she always cheers me up, no matter what. I woke up early and then I fell asleep again and of course I woke up late.
And there was no rush. Like - in ten minutes I had to go to bus, but instead of it, I was just looking at me to the mirror, or outside. I always panic, but I was calm and it was weird, but I had no need to rush. Like if there's nothing what I should pay attention at.
I also found the time to sit to my computer and read Gerard Way's goodbye letter. (I won't lie, I love MCR and it was fucking huge painful weekend for me and mcrmy, but I won't tell you how much devastated I was, because I finally got over it, after reading that Gerard's article.)
And when I had to go, I felt somehow doubtfully when I opened the door. I wanted to turn back and stay at home. I wanted to throw up like I did at the weekend. But I stepped out of the door and started to run. In my head was nothing, just emptiness, while I was running, it was like I was running from my problems and I felt free.
Of course, bus was already there, when I arrived, but I caught it and went to school. I sat there and I everytime when people rather stayed than sit next to me, I felt like I'm also weird to absolute strangers in the bus. The whole time I looked down at my hands and realized that I was shaking. I think I could look like I'm on drugs or something.
At school I met my friends and everything was so shiny. I laughed a lot, but then I just stopped and I was like: "It's too soon for laughing." because of my problems, because of the situations and I felt bad because I fucking smiled. It was like I'm acting like someone else, just not to disappoint my friends, like if I was wearing a mask. I really felt sick. My friend founds out and she fucking stroked my hair and asked me why I'm sad and I wasn't able to reply, because I was about to cry, so I just told her I'll be okay and smiled. I think I'll never be able to talk about my problems with someone in reality without hysteric crying.
After long day I finally went to bus stop. I was there alone with a few people and started to think why I am acting so weird recently. Why I cry for no reason and why everything's fucked up and why I can't do anything. And why all around me look so happy, like they didn't see all the problems, all the pain.
It was cold today. And I felt even more cold, when I thought about all of this shit. Finally bus arrived and I sat to the same seat like in the morning. I was looking out of the window and suddenly my eyes started to fill with tears. And I never cry in public, I feel ashamed. So I just bit my lip and tried to stay calm. I got out from the bus at the one bus stop earlier. I went on the way, where I won't meet too much people, but it's longer to get home, but I really didn't care.
After closing the door of my house and my room, I cried for a while, then I decided to say "Hi" to dad. I really don't know what's wrong with me. Of course I know it's because all of the problems, but I don't know how others can deal with it.
And I felt sick. Sick of that I'm the only one in our family who cares. Who wants to end this pain. But instead of finding the solution, I sit in dark in my room and listen to sad songs. And also listening the rain on rainymood.com , because it makes me calm. I miss summer storms. I feel so tired of the winter and also it makes me more depressed.
I feel so empty.
So broken.

Untitled.

It'll be okay, they said.
But it wasn't. And it never will be. It's worse and worse with each upcoming day. This feel of emptiness just because of destroyed childhood is more painful that I ever thought. It hits me everytime and everyday and I'm losing my hope of better tomorrows and everything seems to be so black and white to me.

But I have light moments. I can laugh and smile and everything like this. But it's always only for few minutes. When I'm alone, it's so horrible. Everywhere is silence around me and thoughts in my head are screaming. I think that this will never leave me. It's been six fucking years already. And I can't take it no more. No one here can take it. It's the end. We all suffer. But we can't go, because of that fucking bond what's between us.

And I feel so fucking stupid that there's nothing I can do to make us feel better. I always think that everything's my fault, that I can't fix it. But I actually gave it up a long time ago, because there's nothing what just stupid teenager like me can do than complaining, yelling but no one will hear. No one will listen.

So why am I still trying to pretend that everything's okay?

Annoying human being.

I just feel stupid. Like for no reason. I feel like the only thing I can do is being annoying. And I know I am annoying. Still complaining about my life, fangirling, saying stupid things. I can't help it. I still wonder how someone could create something like me. And it hurts me even more when I found out that my "creators" found me stupid and annoying too.

I just feel useless, like if I was just some sort of mistake, or maybe they wanted me to be different person. And instead of a dream girl, they've got that silly moody teenager, who locks herself in her room and spend all her free time with fangirling, crying over the bands, living the virtual life.

And sometimes I feel ashamed for being like this. I know, I shouldn't act like I have the biggest problems in the world, when there's the kids who suffer even more, or world promblems etc.

I'm sick of everything, I'm sick of this life, I'm sick of everyone, I'm sick of myself.

I'm just a little piece of shit.

We're in this together

There's another day. Another day when I sit early in the morning in the darkness of my room, where only light comes from my laptop. And I'm just thinking - why am I so serious? Why I can't laugh and be just happy and don't feel bad for that? Where those days when I didn't care about anything. Well, maybe I'm just too emotional, but which teen girl isn't?

I won't act like someone else, just because I'm afraid to show my feelings. Even this makes me called "emo" and "girl who acts she has a depression". Sometimes... I just felt so alone. Like there's no one I could talk to. And then I came on the internet and everything was better. I know I'm maybe addicted. But who cares? Thanks to people I met there, I'm better person, I know there's people just like me and even I love them and it makes me sick that so awesome people have to suffer just like me, we're in this together and we'll still helping each other, even we didn't see each other in reality. But do I want this? I mean, magic of this whole internet and save thing would be gone, but sometimes I feel so down that everything I wanna do is hug those people and never let them go. This bond is stronger than I might think.

Just thanks to you I won't give up, I'll keep trying to survive. Thank you for everything. You're my whole world, the only light in my rainy days.

Hope

When you just can't take this no more, what would you do? Crying for no reason. Yeah, it's the most possible way how to feel better. You feel so unuseful, not important like if there's nothing that make you smile again. And even you know that it still could be worse, you're complaning. Complaining about everything, because it just hurts. And no one hear you scream. No one will understand. But you're still hoping it gets better. Maybe it's just a dream, or maybe it's really naive idea what came to your mind. But only those dreams keep you alive. Even it's not true and you know it.

You know, you'll never be like the others. You know that this part of your life would be still there, inside of you, marking you.

It just sucks how much I want to have life like every other girl in my age, have their stupid little problems. Sometimes I ask myself: "What did I do?. Maybe it's just my destiny to be drown in pain, to be left by your close friends, to be all alone, to be lonely, to be completely unable to feel. I'm there to suffer. To feel sick everytime I look at the others, everytime I look at my life, everytime I look at myself. I don't feel important. And I'll never be.

It's almost natural to me.

It's natural to cry every night, then pretend everything's alright, maybe trying to forget, but in one second it's all back. And then I sit in the dark, unable to speak. Only to write empty words with no meaning, just to feel better for a moment, so I could go to sleep.

Sometimes I wish to never wake up. I'd rather stay in one of my nightmares than be in this: growing up without happiness, without love. Only with hope.