Lovey-dovey shit everywhere

Even that's the thing what doesn't annoy me that much like everything else, everyone around me keep talking about it and it pisses me off, kind of. I feel like I don't belong there again. I swear that every friend of mine is talking with me just about their realitionships, crushes and so on. And I am the only single one. I don't care if I'm single or not. I don't give a shit about it. No, seriously, how I could even think about liking someone and think that he would like me back, when I hate absolutely everything about myself and have no confidence at all, so even if it'd be true, I'd chase them away. I doubt there's someone who would like a girl like me, depressed, self-harming, dumb, fat, ugly and awkward kind of girl. Good joke.

But that's not what I was talking about. Suddenly, all around me started to being annoying (even I am the annoying one, though), they still ask me about my love life, if I have some crush, wondering if I'm still a virgin, if some guy finally touched me and blah blah blah. IT PISSES ME OFF. Fuck.
They simply don't understand that fact that I can't have a boyfriend because I would make him unhappy, I would pull him into my problems, he would see my cry all the fucking time, he would have to get used to that I self-harm sometimes, that I hate myself, that I talk about death a lot and tell me, who the hell got nerves for some shit like that!? ughhhhhhhhhhhh

I don't know. It's such a small problem compared to my other troubles, but I had to get it out too.

Mess

I'm sitting there again, not very sure about what I'll write. Because my mind is a mess.

Do you ever feel stupid for feeling bad?
I feel like that all the time. Also awkward. And I feel bad for feeling bad. I feel like I'm a burden for a lot of people. Especially for my friends. I don't want them to be worried about me. I don't deserve their care and they don't deserve to feel bad because of me. I am an expert in destroying everyone's mood. That's my problem. Sometimes I just can't pretend that I think positive and they feel it.

I just want them to be happy and I can't keep them happy if I'll destroy their mood with my annoying and stupid personality. I just wish to be alone sometimes, sometimes I don't want to be helped, because I don't want to be anyone else's problem, sometimes I ask myself why am I still here.

I keep talking shit about that how I just can't go on and that nothing's better and I feel worse and worse. But I never was strong enough to end it. I'm such a coward. I don't even have hope, I don't like to be alive, I don't have anything to live for, I'm bothering myself with my existence, with my breathing, with my acting, with my face, just everything.

Today I went from school earlier and when I got home, I felt sick just from being there. He just commanded me, do this and do that, do my project to my school, make these posters, give me some food, shut up, get out... I just wish him to offer my death. I'd bow and tell him: "As you wish, my lord.", I'd so do that.
I think about how he'd react, how everyone would react.

I think about it everytime. I think about who would truly miss me, who would cry, who would be happy, confused, how they'd feel about my goodbye letter (I have to mention it probably wouldn't be a goodbye letter, but a goodbye book...), I think about who would find me... on the one side, I feel really awful that I if I'd do it, I could hurt to some people, but on the other side, I could save some by it and I could save myself.

That was everything I thought about when I cried and fell asleep again in my bed. I slept for an hour, though. When I woke up, he was even pissed off because of that I'm sleeping. I couldn't be there, so I went for a walk in the rain, it was like some scene from a bad, drama, teenage movie, because hey, the weather is the same like my mood again.

The atmosphere was awful there, everyone were annoying, they were all together and so fake it actually hurt. I was just waiting for another fight. It didn't last long in the end. But it was nothing I'm not used to. So I spent all evening all alone, telling everyone to go away, because I couldn't stand anyone's presence. And I still feel so fucked up because of everything that I'm forgetting to study on tests, thinking about excuses, because I don't want to go to school and meet all of those people...

Anyways I have to keep going and I don't want to, I really don't want to. I wish to find my mask again.

Shaking hands

Hey, guess who's feeling like a shit again?

And guess who's being attention whore?

And guess who will write all those not-interesting things on my mind?

And guess who's crying right now?

I think that everyone already know the fact I actually hate myself, from the inside and also from the outside. I keep thinking why is there someone like me. I feel like my existence is completely such a waste of time and air. It was actually said to me. That if I wouldn't born, two people would have normal and happy life like everyone else. If I wouldn't born, they could be okay. Both of them. If I wouldn't ever exist, so many people would be saved. Family... friends... they'd never meet me and they'd be happy without that little fucker, who keeps complaining about her life, crying every fucking day, being suicidal...

No, just think about it. If I wouldn't exist, no one would be worried, they'd have their own problems and I wouldn't be there to make it all harder. 

Sometimes I think that was a huge mistake to tell my problems to some people... If they wouldn't know, they'd just think I've got a bad mood. I could play dumb and pretend I'm actually okay, that I live pretty normal life... Nobody would know and nobody would be worried about someone who doesn't worth it, to be honest. It's true. I know it's true.

But it won't last long... They'll get it. They'll get that they all would be happier without me, without my depression, without all of this shit. They could stop telling me all of those very kind words that I really appreciate but I'll never take them seriously, because I DON'T feel beautiful, important, useful, talented and all stuff. Simply because I AM NOTHING of it. They could stop being stressed out. I don't worth it, I seriously don't...

About a week ago, there was a huge fight again. I got hit because I wanted to. I wanted her to calm down, so I offered my face... Is it really that desperate? Anyways it worked. And I'll probably solve things like this. It works... for now. But it was a shock... of course. I had to get out. My "friend" told me that he'd help me, but I was waiting for 30 minutes and he didn't come... Well, this was pretty fucked up. I thought it'll be my last day. I didn't want to go home. I was walking around the town, crying like one sick fuck, because no one actually needed me. I didn't need myself.

After getting home, I had to listen how she screams at me about two hours. I had to listen all of this stuff that I am on HIS side, I don't know how she feels, that I pretend to be depressed, that I don't care about her, that I'm a bitch and that I'm telling everything to everyone and blah blah blah... she even told me something about being ugly and unwanted and that I'm acting like that because I can't get a boyfriend... Seriously, how fucking dumb it was. And finally, I was told that it could have been all better, if I wouldn't born...

And she was right. She was right only in this one point. I replied to everything else with screaming "go away" or whispering "you don't get it" "you get nothing" "you don't understand" "I want to die". Oh yeah, the last point, I told her I want to die. Do you think she reacted somehow? Nah, she ignored it. Maybe she said something about me being over-dramatic...

I was crying about four hours maybe... I had a horrible headache, I thought I will pass out, I wasn't able to look into her eyes and I didn't go to school another day. Because I just couldn´t.

And she acted like nothing happened... like always. It's not only her who does it. Everyone there does it. Why do I feel like I am the only one who actually fucking cares too much.

I keep asking myself - why me? What have I done. Am I that ugly, even on the inside so I deserve to suffer? Yeah, I think so. I don't know what else it could be. Some people born to be unhappy for the rest of their lives, it's not a fucking movie, it can happen and not everyone can have a happy end, and I am one of these people.

I feel so annoying... I feel so fucking fake. I keep trying to be happy, but after a few days, I'll just break down. Just like now.

I am sorry for bothering you.

I am sorry for existing.

Everything could have been better without me.

Needed to get it out again

They should lock me somewhere. So I could stop ruining people's happiness. I should have never born. I should have never join the internet. I feel like it was a mistake even if it is not. Like... I don't know how to describe this, but I feel like everyone would feel better if they wouldn't even know that I exist. I'm starting to think that I should delete all of my accounts and so on, you know. But it's just too late. I know I wouldn't be able to leave these people even I'm hurting them and they don't see it.

Today was another terrible day. I feel like a shit. Yet again. The mask. I spent some time with my friend, but when she started to complain about those girly things about guys I sighed and started to realize how alone I am again. It's not like I just need boyfriend to make people around me stare, but because I don't want to feel alone. I need hugs, I just need to lay in silence, listen to music and cry in someone's arms like I did it when I was little. But I'm not little anymore and nobody cares if I cry because it's just everyday stuff.

So I went home like this and there was that one drunk motherfucker who pissed me off so much so I've told him the true and he said this to me: "You fucking bitch, you're pissing me off, get the fuck out I don't want to see you." I went to the bathroom and.. well... cut my wrist this time, which is pretty fucking stupid becaue what the hell, I need to hide it all the time... but I needed to get out of the house again. I texted to my friend and I couldn't stand it when I saw him and I cried like an idiot in front of him. We were walking around the town and he tried to cheer me up, but it didn't work actually.

And like if it wasn't enough he started to talk about realitionships and what kind of realitionship we have and what realitionship he had with his ex and how he thinks about her, so mostly - I had to listen to his problems and I was thinking about mine. So I went home earlier.

I was glad he was sleeping.

So now I'm there, crying because of loneliness and because I'm unmature ugly shit with no life that doesn't want to wear that mask tomorrow. Goodbye.

Birthday...

Well, happy fucking birthday to me.

This day is one of the worst. I think it my birthday’s fault, one one side. On the other side, it’s still me and my fucking problems. Well you know how you celebrate birthday with your family? Well, they even didn’t say „happy birthday“, only one of them. In a text message. But then nothing, when I saw her, and I won’t even mention the another one. This made me sad. Even more sad than I was before. I’m used t that that I cry every fucking moment of my life, but this was just rude. I won’t be sad because of fucking „happy birthday“, I’m sad, because I’m simply overlooked. Yet again. It’s like I’m an automatic thing that appears everytime they need me. Like a fucking robot.

I needed to get out. So I went to café with my friend and her girlfriend. Even it was fine, it made me realize how fucking lonely I am. Like everytime I see some couple. This is just a crap. It gives me no confidence at all. I feel ugly like a shit. I feel annoying, I feel so fucking awkward, so hella weird. I just hate myself and I dunno what am I complaining about when I know how many mistakes I’ve got. Nobody wants to be with that fat-ass, weird, suicide girl with no life. Who would be like that? Nobody wants this unhealthy realitionship. I would only make him sad. I would destroy him as a person. I do not deserve anyone. But I hate being alone. Well well, my fault. All of this. My fault. If I wouln’t be one ugly and annoying motherfucker…

And when I arrived home, I was so pissed off, so depressed. I needed to get out. I went with another two of my friends outside and fuck, talking about my mood made my mood even worse. And I had to pretend. ALL THE FUCKING DAY. I had that fucking mask. That mask that told people I am happy. That mask that broke hours ago and I stayed in my bed, crying like an idiot, thinking about my death what would be in the same day as my birthday so I would just simply make it easier to people around, that they'd cry only one day after in one year (well, after some years with dealing with it, or months... or days, whatevs), just like always. My hysterical crying. I didn’t care if anyone will hear me. No one will ever come, so, whatever. They gave up long ago. It’s like they almou waiting for my final breakdown.

Just a piece of crap

Yesterday, oh yes, it was awful.

And I need to get it all out, even if doesn't help no more, though. I know it may sound stupid (and yes, it was absolutely stupid), but it all started with my broken laptop, and of course, it was broken thanks to my sister who was there all the time and she's famous in breaking things. Especially computers. It's not like I would be super obsessed by computer itself, it's because I'm obsessed with people on the internet, I'm obsessed with this life what makes me wanna live. And when it's just gone, it's like there's no hope for me. It's like you lose all the people you love in the same moment, because I don't have any other way to keep in touch with them.

So, yeah, I got into the fight with my younger sister. I wouldn't be that much emotional if there wasn't a milion things to deal with and if she wouldn't piss me off so much and laugh right to my fucking face when I cried. I don't normally punch people, but when I do, it's some serious shit, of course I've started to apologize right after I did that. Do you think she accepted that? Hah, no. She punched me right in the temporal bone and it hurted that bad I think I zoned out for a while, because when I opened my eyes, my mom was there and she was screaming at us both and all I could do was to go to my room and cry and want to die. I thought about that a lot. Now I think how childish I acted. How I'm becoming a monster who I don't want to be.

I don't want to be that agressive fucker. I never was. And then there's the fear that I might act like that one day. That I won't stand it and I'll just punch people. I don't want to. I'm such a fucking bitch. If I'd be some other person I would torture myself to death, I swear. But on the other side, how should I react when my life is a complete shit, when everything is stressing me out, when I don't feel important, or nice or whathever, when I want to die and the only thing that keeps me alive is internet and all of my internet friendships out there. I wouldn't be there now. I wouldn't be writing it if I wouldn't talk to these people, who (and I don't know why) like me for who I am, even it's the worst thing about myself, though. Also I was afraid that if that one person would find out about that broken computer, he'd literally beat me up to the death. Thanks God I somehow made my laptop work for a while.

And that's why I did it again. That's why I cried for hours in my room so loudly, I don't even care if anyone hear me, no one came and no one will ever come, because my crying is clearly not some important thing because no one there cares about how do I really feel how much I do wanna die, how much this all is stressing me out. That's why I took that fucking razor from its hideout and cut my already healed thigh. I'm glad that it was only thigh. I really wanted to die, because I had no reason why to live there anymore. Well, there are some people, but I believe they'd get over this, they'd have their own lives and everything, you know. And I hate myself so much. There's no way I will ever like me. And I will start to bore everybody, sooner or later. It's true and I have a milion reasons why I should think that.

I've stayed at home again. Because of this depression and also my head hurted really bad after that punch and a lot of crying. And I'm starting to worry that I'm doing the same shit I did last year. I skipped school because I wouldn't stand it. Because all I do is crying. And I wouldn't be able to look into my friends' face and pretend I'm happy just to make them happy. Normally I can do it, but not now. I'm starting to think that I really do need those antidepressants that my aunt offered to me. I need some help. But I know that I can't tell anyone there, because they'd be like: "Oh my god, you're such a drama queen, you are the suffering one? Are you kidding me? What should I say!?" and so on. And I don't want this.

They'd be better without me, they already said something like this. All I can think of was: "be careful what you wish", but I didn't say it loud.

It's all, though. I hope you feel better than me.

Lonely and empty

Lonely. That's the word. I never felt that much lonely than I feel right now. I feel like there's no one near me who would hug me, listen to me. There's no one and I need someone so bad. I know I can't deal with this alone. Shit, I don't even know if I can deal with this at all. Probably not. It's just too much. And I know that I repeat all the things again, but I feel still the same.

I worked so hard to not to care about that pain in my chest, in my head, all over my body. I did well, though. I made this mask and I've tried not to write all of this on twitter, or my friends, because I know they'd only worry about me and I don't want them to be sad just because of ungrateful little piece of shit I am. With this mask, I felt nothing. Literally nothing. I just studied a lot, because school is really stressful for me and it worked for some while. But this mask broke up not so long ago. And I officially don't know what else I can do.

I can't even eat properly again. I feel ugly and fat again. I feel that I'm not important, again. And I can do nothing about this. I can see that my friends can work properly without me, they seem even happier when there's no one who would tell them about his problems, right? I'm trying so hard to not to look sad at school, because it would make them feel bad and I would feel even worse. But when I come home, I always end up in my bed, hidden under the covers, watching the screen and listening music, and of course, hours and hours of crying that makes my head hurt. Pills before I go to sleep are my daily routine now.

Pills... I thought about them a lot. Not like in the way I thought about them before, not like - the reason of my death, but the reason of my healing, though. Not so long ago, someone told me that he could help me. I told him everything, I've cried like a little baby and then he said that we can do it secretely, to find me a psychologist and get me pills somewhere. I felt like a crazy at first and I told myself that I have to go outside and speak to people. It helped a little. I wasn't at home that much.

But the more I am out, the more I feel the tense at home. And I feel how I'm going under. I'm falling into this hole of pain, fear and that scary death wish. I don't want this anymore and I don't know how much I can handle. I can see how much weaker I am with every newer article. I have that feeling that it's just wrong I'm there. One big mistake, my existence is just a big waste of time. Instead of someone like me, there could be someone better, someone who can do something great, who wouldn't have problems like me, who wouldn't be that ugly, weak and depressed.

Also my 17th birthday will be this Saturday and I feel bad. I feel bad because - how I said - I feel like my existence is just a big waste of time. There are people who already have some normal social life, they did something awesome, or they are already awesome and I can't see anything good about my 17 years old existence. I wish I would never born. Everything would be so much easier.