I thought I'll never do that again.

And I did.
And fuck that.
I can't be even more pissed at myself right now. And I can't take it no more, because I'm weak, I'm fucking weak and I don't know what I should do. And because of it I did this again.
I made 2 years without self-harming and here I am again. I won't be able to look to others' faces right now. I just don't deserve to fucking be here. It's like something wants me to suffer in the worst ways for me and it just sucks. I'm not that strong as I used to be. I feel like everything could make me cry. I feel like I should stay in my room for the rest of my life. Just being here, because nobody fucking cares, alright? Nobody cares about that fucking stupid, weird, asocial girl, who isn't good enough. For NOTHING.

I am that "nothing". And I'll never stop feel like this. I can't help it. And I hate myself more now. Because I couldn't even stop. I did THAT again. And I don't know if I'll be able to stop again. It sucks. It just sucks and I don't want to be here anymore.

I didn't eat. Everytime I go to sleep I imagine how I should die. Or if I had a will to do it. It fucking sucks and I don't know how to make it stop. Again those panic attacks and anxiety. FUCK THAT. FUCK EVERYTHING.

I feel like a shit now.
And I feel like this for a really long while.

Never good enough.

Just the typical article before I go to sleep.

I'm just wondering how people just get to "good enough", you know? What the hell is even that? "Good enough". Good enough for what? For being in this fucking terrible society? It makes me so mad that there's so many people, just like me who wants to fit somewhere, where they can to be themselves. And not being ashamed for that. For that they're a little fat, or has different music taste than you and so on. What's the matter? Why the fuck people just push out those kids? I mean, what did we do to you? We're different, we don't need to listen dance music like each one of you, we like to read, we like to play video games, we like to watch series, we like to be different.

Why should we pay for that? It's stupid. I feel so ashamed for living there.I hate that fact that I just can't be like you. I can't do that to other people. I can't just throw my problems away and party all the time. I can't be mean or rude like you. People like that should think about themselves. I can't say if someone is "good enough".

Not, because I'll never be good enough. I'll never be that funny, skinny girl with the perfect boyfriend and perfect life. I'll never be popular or some shit like that. I'll never enjoy your parties. And that what makes people around me hate me, probably. That I don't want to be one of them.

And it hurts, because those people used to be my friends. It hurts, because I grew up with them. But now I'm just that not-important weird girl, you don't even have to say "hi" to her, because she's fucking awkward. I don't even know if I should be pissed off, or sad. Probably both. Because those people can't do anything else than making a hell from your life.

They'll send you anonymous messages about how stupid you are and how they want to beat you up. They'll laugh at your photos. They'll laugh at things you created and worked hard on it. They'll laugh at that you want to be something more. They'll say bad things about you, so people you never met will know you as "asocial lesbian, who thinks she's so badass and beautiful" or something like that.

Only because of that how do you look or what do you like. I just can't take it no more. They even don't know a single shit about me. They don't know what it's like to be me. I'd wish each one of them to live a one day in my life. I want them to feel that pain, that suffering, I want to see them solving my problems. I want to see them how they'll eat, when they'd be fat like I am. I want to see them laugh, when your family is broken. I want to see them going outside, when they had to take a care about people they love at home.Try to be like me, try to be like us and then fucking speak.

btw. sorry for all the mistakes in the text, English isn't my born language and I'm too tired to write it correctly.

I am wrong, I am down.

It's mine typical time for depressive thoughts. It's the time when everyone's sleeping, when there's only me, hidden in darkness in my room.

I always think about everything for so long. It always starts like that I'm just thinking about stuff what happened and then I start to think about what will happen, what could happen and so on. I think about myself too. Because that's the thing I'm not thinking of a lot in the course of a day.
I'm thinking about that why I'm being so naive and think that I will have a better life one day, when I just can't take this life. And I'm only sixteen. It's been six fucking years already.

Six years of pain. And I just don't know how long I will be able to keep this pain inside. How long I will be able to smile at the others when I cry at night and all I want to is to be someone else. I think that I'm gonna go crazy because of all of this shit. Seriously. I can see how annoying I am, how grumpy and different than I was before. And this is what brought me to panic attacks and anxiety.

It's happening to me more than I was used to. I think it all started one day when I was at grandma's and I was really depressed, because my old friends stopped to talk to me and said bad things about me behind my back. One of them probably, wrote me a message, something like I changed and I'm playing that I'm someone else to be cool. It hurted so fucking bad. I remember how I started to breath fast, went away from my laptop, started to shake, heart beated slow. I was crying on the floor. I woke up my little brother. He came to me and said: "Luce, what are you doing? Go sleep to bed." and he slept with me there, hugging me tight.

I swear, if my little brother wouldn't be there, I would give up in this moment. It always bring me tears to my eyes. And this is how my thoughts are going. Every fucking night. And I'm sick of that already. But I can't help it. So I'm just saying the same things, writing it there, annoy you with them, just to get them out of me. But it's not helping actually. So I don't even know why I'm still trying.

Actually why I'm still TRYING? It'll never be good. It'll go like this forever. This is why nobody can be with me. It'd piss him off, those depressive moods and thoughts, he would probably kill me, if I had someone. So why the fuck am I wondering if I'll find someone one day? I'll die alone. And that makes me sad. Because I can't do anything with that. Even if I tried. I can't. It's in me. Nobody can help it, though. Even I think that the only thing I really wanted was that I want to be loved, I want to know I'm important for someone.

Few days ago I had a weird dream again (maybe it's because of those "I'm gonna beat you up" messages on ask.fm - I don't really care about them already, I just want to know why someone want to beat me up, then he/she can do it, whatever.), so there were some guys and they beated me up. Like seriously beated me up. I was bleeding, everything hurted, I was almost dying. When they left, I fell asleep. And then I wasn't in my body, but I looked at myself in a hospital. And no one came. No one.

Thanks to this dream, I felt more lonely then I ever was. So before I fall asleep now, I just think about this brutal things unfortunately, about being beated up and what persons around me would do. I just really want to know, if there's really someone who would REALLY care.

But that's just my stupid thought, like everything else on this blog. So, you shouldn't even pay attention on that. Everytime I write something, I feel somehow ashamed for that. Sorry.

And now, I think I can go to sleep.
Goodnight.

Show me hidden in layers.

I'm never going to public in my swimsuit. Never.
Everyone look so perfect. Like fucking robots. No, seriously. I looked at those skinny girls and I thought I'm going to explode, because I said yes, when my dad asked me, if I want to go there. Even when I bought swimsuit what hide a lot, it wasn't enough.

I was so ashamed for my body like I never was. Where are those days, when I just said: "So what." and went to swim? They're gone. Forever. I was also paranoid. I thought that everyone's looking at my fat parts. It was, ugh, I just can't do it again. Don't want me to do it.

Maybe I'm not fat, but I feel this way.

Eating disorder

Yes, I think I have an eating disorder, even I thought that it'll never happen to me.
I always was like: "Oh my god, I would never stop eating, it's such a bullshit, you know. I'd rather be fat.". Well and without noticing it, I almost stopped eating. It started like that I wasn't hungry and if I was, I didn't want to eat, because it just disgusted me. Because everytime I eat something, I feel sick.

I know that I'm not that fat. And I don't know why is this happening. I'd like to eat, but I can't, you know? I eat once a day and if something good won't happen, I think my body will be soon without energy to do anything. I've got something fixed in my brain probably. Since those days people called me fat-ass, even people I thought they like me. And maybe after so many years of listening, something in my did "click" and my body changed in this way.

I don't know what to do, I think that when finally I have no problems with other people, I've got problems with me. With my health, with my personality.

What else to say, it sucks guys and I would never ever wish those things what are happening to me to my worst enemy.

Shaking.

Do you know that feel, when you're just like all alone with your thoughts? Like when you thinking about yourself, about what you're doing wrong and why is everything so fucked up?

This is exactly that moment, when I feel so lonely, so fucked up, so stressed out that I'm starting to shake. It's like... I don't even know. I just can't stop it. It's just happening. My heart beating so slow that I think that I'm going to die.

It's not because I'm cold, it's because all the shitty things what are happening. It's because that I just kept this pain locked for so long and didn't tell anyone. It's because I know that I won't feel better. Because there's no way. It's because I feel so lonely, too far away from people who could help me.

And all things I can do is curl up in my bed, forget my name, forget my face, forget that I've ever existed, cry and try to sleep.
This is what if feels like to be me in those moments.

I tried to find out why I'm shaking and I can't stop. Because I really don't wanna to tell someone, so I googled it. I found out that I probably suffer by panic attacks and anxiety. Seriously, this is the "best fucking life" what somebody can have.

Don't know what I'm gonna do with this.

I wish I could be something or somebody else.

Yeah, I'm writing stupid stuff there only when I feel bad. Sorry. But this is why I decided to make this blog. Actually everytime I go there, I hope it's for the last time, but it's never like that. I always come back a write something about how bad I feel.

Just right now. I don't know, my life isn't so bad recently. Problems aren't so great and so on. But the mistake is in me. I don't know why, but with every day I feel more and more useless, annoying little piece of shit. I'm trying to ignore that, but when I stop for a while and start thinking, I really don't like myself. No, I hate myself. Seriously. There's only a few things I like about me, but those things other people don't know and they don't want to.

There's times when I look to the mirror and cry. If I was someone else, I think I would say something like "It's not that bad." well, maybe it's not that bad, but for me is. For no reason... Well, there are reasons.

I think I'm so annoying, so weird, so awkward, more asocial than I was, not important - because no one ever miss me (besides my internet friends probably...), fat-ass, not funny, stupid and so on.
How can I believe in myself more, when I see only this when I look at me. Only people in my real life see it. Internet friends don't see it probably only because I'm more open here. But being open for people in my real life? It's too late. They don't give a fuck about me, and if they do, it's only insults.

And I think it gets "better" with every moment. I think I have some sort of eating disorder. It's been 4 days already since I ate more than only once a day. I'm not hungry. I'm not. I just don't need to eat. But only one person who knows about it is me. (And you know, if you read my shitty thoughts) I think I would get more shit for that than I'm already getting now.

Also yesterday someone wrote my on my ask.fm. Anonymously, of course. It was something about that how someone wants to beat me up. And you know what? I didn't care... I just fucking didn't care if something will happen. It's natural that people have that instinct of self-preservation, right? I didn't had it in this moment. I think I wouldn't even care if they would seriously do it. And maybe I wouldn't even fight back.

Because my self-confidence is lower again. Because I would beat myself too.
Sorry for everything.
Sorry for being me.

Gone.

I was gone for a long time.
I know.

I have no internet, at first. It's really hard for me, because people over the internet keeps me alive. They understand and they don't laugh at me, while I'm talking to them about my problems. So I always miss them. But it's holidays, so I'm staying at grandma's house. And... I even didn't know if I should continue to write those depressive arcticles. I started to write a diary instead. But it didn't last long. Of course nothing changed. Everything's still the same. I'm the same. Or maybe just a little more emotional and sensitive. I feel so nervous recently. I think that when someone tells me something personal, I just start to cry and die.
I have no idea why I feel this way. Well, it's better though. I mean my problems. But I'm not okay. Sometimes I think I need a help. But I don't want to be annoying.

I'm still really confused by myself. I'm depressed, I'm really depressed, but I can hide it. Like a proffesional. And I still lie to myself, it's just an illusion, to make myself feel better for a while. But when I'm alone just with my thoughts, it always ends like that, that I'm sad.

I seriously don't know why I wrote this shit there. I just wanted to do it.
Yes. I'm still alive.