JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY

You don't know how much I want it. I wanna do it so bad. Nobody would even fucking care here. Today I finally let it out. They were screaming again, they fucking came here, to this room and started just in front of me. I was between them, silent, shaking, still trying my best to stay calm. And then... I just spat out: "ALL I WANT IS FUCKING DIE" and they ignored me. I was helplessly crying, screaming and then whispering still the same sentence: "I wanna die, I wanna die for a few past years." they didn't care. They didn't say anything.

In one moment my head started spinning, all I thought about was: "Yes, finally, fucking fall down on the floor and don't wake up again." but nothing happened, my eyes just rolled and then I was still standing between them. Still was in a hell. I'm telling you, something doesn't want me to finally die. Somebody wants me to suffer and slowly dying inside before I die completely.

I just can't. I'm still trying to save something what can't be saved and I am so fucking done. All I can think about is how and when I will finally end my existence. I cry all days because of it. In a few past days I had more panic attacks than before in a fucking month. I want to end it. I don't want to be here. I'm so pissed off I can't do it. That I'm not strong enough to end it.

I even thought about that I will be somewhere at night, I will piss off some drunk psycho guy, so he would kill me or something, because I'm too chicken for that. I'm horrible human being. I don't know why someone like me has to live. Instead of me, there could be some beautiful, loving, smiling girl. Stronger than me, she would go and reach for her dreams, not like me.

I don't know when I will do it, I just know it'll be soon. I can't be saved, I'm horrible.

Face to face

I still feel the same.

I'm kind of pissed off. Again because of myself. I did it again. I was too weak to end it completely and instead of it I did this shit. It would be better if I wasn't too chicken yesterday. It would be better if I wasn't just hysterically crying in the bathroom and just thinking about it. I was about to do it. I seriously was about to do it... Nobody would notice it in that time. They would find out after a few hours. They still think that I'm in my room. It was a perfect moment.

And I didn't do it. I was shaking like an idiot, crying, but I didn't do it. Not fully. Told you already, I did THAT shit again. But I didn't end it. I don't know how I should feel about it. I'm probably just too weak for that. And the other day I was pissed off I didn't do it, maybe it would change things, you know.

Maybe my death would make them think about what are they doing and thanks to that they'd act better. And it'd be better place to live for the others I love. And that's all I want, or not? I want them to be happy. So why the fuck I didn't do that? It would be better then, I bet. Okay, maybe they'd be sad, but time will heal everything. And if that means they would have a bright future, I just have to do it.

I'm just too fucking selfish. That's all.

And I'm weak and I think it'll hurt. Even I know that I'm already hurted and there were milion things what made me suffer and after this bigger thing I would feel the calm, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to do it, even I know it'd be the right thing for me. There are people like me, their destiny is to end like that. And I can't do shit about it. Even if I'd want. I can't.

I would like to finally lose this fear and do it. If I was face to face with death and I will always back off and I don't wanna. All I want is to end it for others' happiness. Why the hell I can't do that? Why? This is one thing what goes to my list: What I hate about myself, which keeps getting bigger with each upcoming day. There's no way I can stop it.

I've tried to take pills again. It didn't help.
I don't think there will be something what will ever help me.
I just don't deserve that.
I'm not meant to be saved.

I always come back

... Because I'll never get better.
I'm just so fucking done. What did I do to him that he's treating me like that? Am I seriously that much useless piece of shit? Am I seriously bothering him that much because I'm fat? He probably thought that I'll look like some fucking model, that I will be perfect, that I will be just like him.
Yeah, and instead of it he gets an ugly, asocial, stupid, fat, emotional shit. No wonders he hates me. I don't know what else instead of stop eating I should do to make him shut up every time I go to the kitchen. I always refuse to eat what he'll cook, I'm trying to eat a little when he can't see me, but it's just not good enough.

I can't just live with this shit anymore. I can't. I pretend the whole day that I'm happy. I'm also pretending even on the internet, the place where I should be myself. And it's just not alright anymore. I wish I'd never born. It bothers me everyday more and more.

And I feel like everyone's leaving me. No wonders, I'm the most boring, not-interesting person I know. People can't stuck with me for more than a few weeks. And that's the record by the way. The true question is why am I even asking, when it's obvious. Everything I think of myself it's true and everyone else are just too chicken to tell me that. They hate the same things I hate about myself. I'm just meant to stay alone for the rest of my fucking life, because nothing good will ever happen to me.

I don't deserve that. There's so many people who deserve that more than me. I'm just stupid naive teenager, who thinks that it'll get better. It'll NEVER get better. I just don't believe it. It will be always there, it will be always slowly killing me inside. It'll kill me one day. So why I should keep waiting? Why not to end it all soon?

I know that sentence "You'll never know what will happen." yes, but I know myself. And I know how stupid I am. And I know that even there would be something good what should happen to me, I'll refuse it and I'll rather suffer for others' happiness. It makes me sick. But that's why I'm here. I'm not here to be happy, I'm here to try to make others happy and forget about myself completely.

And maybe I should finally give up and get used to it, maybe I should take those fucking pills what will calm me down and make me a good person with no brain. It would be fine. Only if it wouldn't hurt that much. I still cry everyday and I don't think it'll ever end. I'm stressed out and all I want is not to exist. It's just useless. I'm just another replaceable person.

And that's all I wanted to say.

It's like the death breathes on your neck

When you feel the coldness, loneliness, sadness. And when you feel absolutely useless. You'd rather choose the emptiness. Just to survive some days.

But what's the reason to survive? I mean, I almost don't have anything to fight for. I've lost a lot of my hope. I've probably gave up on my dreams, because seriously, I don't believe it could be true. I'm too dumb for that. I don't even know what I was thinking. I'm just so stupid. I'll never be good enough. I'll never be the woman I want to be. I'll never be happy. There will be those scars that'll never heal. It's all my fault. Everything. Even if I only wouldn't think I'm someone special. It'd hurt less. I would be like: "Oh, okay, it's just happening sometimes, you know, I don't even know why I'm here, so, maybe that's it."

And yeah, maybe that's it.

I'm there to suffer, to cry, to feel depressed. Because people like me exist. And I have to be one of them. There's just too much happy people around me, right? Why not me? To be that poor girl, right? I just don't fucking know how I deserved this. It's because I was mean when I was a little girl? Is it because I'm just a big dreamer? So it should show me how cruel reality is? How I won't be happy? Ever?

It's life. And sometimes... people are just born to go through hell on earth. So they're happy when they finally die. Death. What a sweet word. I can almost hear the silence, the calm, you know. That's all I want. To be finally okay, to feel nothing at all. To hear the silence, because all I can hear is neverending scream. Also my inner scream. I just feel like I could explode every minute. I would just like to scream like someone's hurting me (it'd be authentic, because I'm hurt), just to yell all those things that make me insane, just cry and never stop. And then die. Because I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.

I hate myself more and more with each other day. I can't even describe how much I'd like to rip off my fucking face and throw it into the trash can. How much I'd like to hit myself that I won't be able to breathe. I think about it A LOT. Also during the day... I was used to think about it before I went to sleep, but now I think about it more and more often. If I'd meet myself, like other person, I'll probably kill myself. This is actually how I feel all the time. I just don't care about myself anymore.

I wonder why some people keep care about me. It's just lost battle. I'm SO annoying, so awkward, so ugly, useless shit, bitch, fat-ass. I'd rather to smash my head against the wall. I keep complaining about myself, even there are people who suffer more than I do. It makes me feel sick of myself. I'm just so selfish. I want to throw up everytime I see myself in the mirror. I cry in the bathroom because of everything. I hate those little details about me. I can see only the bad about me. I think that those "good abilities" are just some kind of stupid fiction.

I would just like to end it all. It'd be better for a lot of people. It'd be better for me. But I won't do that, because, even I don't get it, there are people who care... and I'm just too weak because of that. I'd like someone to do it instead of me... because I'm too chicken for that.

It's been 6 months already.

I seriously wanted to feel okay today. I seriously didn't want to end up there, writing absolutely useless shit. But, when you love something so much and then it's just away, you will remember forever when it happened. You've got something in you that's like an alarm.

I'm talking about My Chemical Romance, right now. It's been six months since they broke up. I think that I'll never fully describe how much they mean to me. What the taught me, they made me so happy, sometimes they even made me to be proud of who I am, their songs helped me to carry all those problems. People around me don't get it how can I feel this way only about a band.

This band save lifes. It really does. It helped me to go through depressions, their songs were louder than that neverending scream around me and also inside me. They gave me a hope that I can live my life, that someday I will be happy. They were my favorite band ever, they always will be. No matter what they do, I'll love each one of them and be so grateful.

When they ended up, I thought it will be the end of me too. I mean... Six months back I went through a lot of problems at same time, I thought it will be seriously the end. The end of everything. And when the only thing that made me happy, when it left me too. I had no hope. I felt so sick. I hated everything. I was so sad, I was crying non-stop. I would compare it to someone's death. And I'm not over-acting. Yes, I'm a little bit more emotional than the others, but I felt like this.

There were so many broken hearts all over me. Everyone were crying. And at home no one gave a shit about it. I was still in my room, my family just didn't get how can I be this upset. I needed to talk to someone, I even told my mom, but she said that it's not important. Her words were just so sharp. I didn't speak to anyone then.

I didn't want to eat, I couldn't sleep, I was even crying on the toilet because I felt that sick I wanted to throw up. After that, things got worse, there were all the problem I was already going through, but also people around me started to spread the bad things about me, those people were my friends, I was just so fucked up because of everything.

I didn't feel well, I think that it was the one of the most horrible times in my life.

Then I felt nothing.

After some time... my parents finally asked me what's going on. And it happens RARELY. Well, it's not happening, like at all. I had to do my best to not to cry in front of them. I didn't tell them everything, I just told them about my "friends" and that I truly loved MCR and I can't explain how much. They tried to cheer me up a little, it was fine to see them to finally work together.

I couldn't let them go, but after some time... I had to. You should let go the things you love, if it means that those things, in this case, people will be happy, you should be happy because of them, right?
I still miss them so much, I still cry sometimes, but... there's so many things that they left here. They gave me real friends, my new family. They showed me that I'm not alone in this, that I will get better. They taught me that I should believe in myself. And even it's so hard to believe those words, they really made me to be who I am. And not to be so ashamed of that.

And those things are the greatest things someone ever gave me. I will love them forever, no matter what, I still hope that they'll come back and if not, how I said - they left all those amazing things here and I'll appreciate them.

I had to write it all, because, it's my blog, you know. And I felt quite sad about it. But when I wrote it, when I wrote that end, I finally realize that I'm right about it.

I'd like to get some sleep

I'm wearing a mask.
The mask I'm grateful for, because if I wouldn't have one, I wouldn't be able to do anything. And when school started, it's super important to stay calm, just to give and illusion to people around you that you're "okay". Pft. Okay. What's even that feeling "okay"? I didn't feel something like this for a long time. And it scares me a lot actually.

Every day, when I arrive from school, it's the same. I'm going to my room, turn on the computer and stay like this all the day, because I know, if I wasn't there, I would be probably somewhere in the corner and thinking about horrible things I would do to myself. And I don't want to fall into this shit again. I fell a few times recently and I can't be more pissed off myself for that. I'm still repeating to myself, that I shouldn't do this, but when I can't see the light, it's only thing I'm able to do.

It's like I deserve this, you know. Every kind of pain, I don't know why, when I feel the pain, I just stand there and telling to myself that I deserve this. Even I don't. I really don't think that, I'm the only one person that still tries to save everything and everyone and they are not giving a shit about it. About me. I'm overlooked, I feel like an automatic thing that they know will show up everytime they're in trouble.

And I'm sick of this already. It's not my fault. It's not. But I have to save it, because I'm the only one who cares. I can't just let go something I really love. Something that's so important, my life depends on it. And that fact that no one cares about how do I feel hurts so bad, you know. I'm still naive and think it'll get better, but it doesn't. I'm waiting so many years, I don't think there's any hope left.

And that's what's running through my head recently and I can't tell. Anyone. Because they would think I'm just a crazy, moody, over-dramatic teenager. But it hurts. It seriously hurts and no one gets it. And that's why I'm trying to smile, I'm trying to act like nothing is happening, I'm trying to act like I don't think about how I should die. I'm trying to give them all this illusion.

Then, when I'm at home, I go to bed and just let it out. I'm screaming to my pillow, my eyes are full of tears and I can't stop, there's big pain in my chest, big hole in my heart that'll never fix up.

I'm choking.

And that's why I'm writing here.
Again.
You don't even wish how much I want to stop writing there, because always I write there, I feel like a shit. Just right now. I think that I've got a depression for 3 last months? With a few breaks? I don't know, but it's just too long. Too long even for me. And I'm used to keep it inside of me, suffe a lot, but I feel so broken now, like I don't have a strength to keep it up. No. I don't. I seriously don't.

You already know how do I feel about myself. That I think that I'm disqusting, useless, fat, ugly, stupid little shit. I feel like this all the time. Every fucking day. And I'm so sick of this already. But there's no way I can run away from this. There's no hope for me. No more. And with all those feelings, it got worse. I won't tell you what exactly got worse, because it's really kind of personal for internet world, but it just hurts, it hurts so bad. I didn't know that it could be worse, but it is.

It's not just a psychical pain, it's also physical right now. I feel sick, I can tell how weak I feel. How my body hurts, just like everything else. And all I can do is hiding everything.

And I'm hysterically crying every night. Just like right now. I'm trying to do my best to act normal, but sometmes it's just too much to handle. I probably start to hate that sentence "it'll be better", no it won't be better. Do you know why? Even if I'd run away, even if it wouldn't happen to me like at all, I'll still have my memory, I'll still know, deep in my heart, how bad it hurted. I'm broken and I'll never fix myself. Not fully. I'm too weak for this, I can't do that.

And that's why I did it again. That's the reason why I did that stupid thing I thought I'll never do, because I promised to a lot of people. I can't look into their eyes. But it's not that easy how it seems, you don't know how it feels like cry a fucking hour in your bath, because you feel so ugly and then you calm down after you do that THING and act like nothing happened. Then you go to sleep and cry because of every good damn reason and you can't stop. That's why I'm so tired recently, I don't get enough sleep, also two last nights I had really live nightmares.

I don't know, what I should do. I thought I should give up. I really think about it a few hours per day. I'm thinking about the ways I could end it. But I wouldn't do it. Because I care too much about people around me. And even I'm such a useless emotional shit that doesn't get love, because it doesn't deserve it, I can't do that, I'm still there for those people.

I want to be selfish bitch sometimes, but I'm not like this. I know that with my death, I would make even more problems and that's not what I need. I just have to wait, suffer, slowly die inside to be more emotionless.

I don't even talk that much with some of my friends that much, I forget to eat, I think that nobody needs me, I'm such an annoying human, I know it. There's just impossible to stay with me for a longer time, because everyone leave me. Sooner or later. It always happens. And then I ask myself "why?", and those voices in my head will answer: "Because you just don't deserve that, you're not interesting, or important, you're ugly, you're not funny, are you seriously thinking that there is someone who will like you? Ha."

I suffer by bigger anxiety, my panic attacks are happening more often, tears on my face is just totally normal thing for me and I don't even know when I had a really good mood the last time. I wish I could be that happy little girl I was. But I can't. I had to grow up too soon, I had to solve problems I shouldn't care about, I had to put all my childhood away and now I'm that asocial teenager, thanks to that. Thanks to past 6 years of changing from happy kid to emotional, depressed, burned lost soul.

I think that's all I had to say... I'm not strong enough to keep writing, because I just want to curl up in my bed and cry again, sob silently so no one can hear me. It's not like somebody would actually care... but still. I'm sorry for all the mistakes in my English, I'm too lazy to fix them.

I thought I'll never do that again.

And I did.
And fuck that.
I can't be even more pissed at myself right now. And I can't take it no more, because I'm weak, I'm fucking weak and I don't know what I should do. And because of it I did this again.
I made 2 years without self-harming and here I am again. I won't be able to look to others' faces right now. I just don't deserve to fucking be here. It's like something wants me to suffer in the worst ways for me and it just sucks. I'm not that strong as I used to be. I feel like everything could make me cry. I feel like I should stay in my room for the rest of my life. Just being here, because nobody fucking cares, alright? Nobody cares about that fucking stupid, weird, asocial girl, who isn't good enough. For NOTHING.

I am that "nothing". And I'll never stop feel like this. I can't help it. And I hate myself more now. Because I couldn't even stop. I did THAT again. And I don't know if I'll be able to stop again. It sucks. It just sucks and I don't want to be here anymore.

I didn't eat. Everytime I go to sleep I imagine how I should die. Or if I had a will to do it. It fucking sucks and I don't know how to make it stop. Again those panic attacks and anxiety. FUCK THAT. FUCK EVERYTHING.

I feel like a shit now.
And I feel like this for a really long while.

Never good enough.

Just the typical article before I go to sleep.

I'm just wondering how people just get to "good enough", you know? What the hell is even that? "Good enough". Good enough for what? For being in this fucking terrible society? It makes me so mad that there's so many people, just like me who wants to fit somewhere, where they can to be themselves. And not being ashamed for that. For that they're a little fat, or has different music taste than you and so on. What's the matter? Why the fuck people just push out those kids? I mean, what did we do to you? We're different, we don't need to listen dance music like each one of you, we like to read, we like to play video games, we like to watch series, we like to be different.

Why should we pay for that? It's stupid. I feel so ashamed for living there.I hate that fact that I just can't be like you. I can't do that to other people. I can't just throw my problems away and party all the time. I can't be mean or rude like you. People like that should think about themselves. I can't say if someone is "good enough".

Not, because I'll never be good enough. I'll never be that funny, skinny girl with the perfect boyfriend and perfect life. I'll never be popular or some shit like that. I'll never enjoy your parties. And that what makes people around me hate me, probably. That I don't want to be one of them.

And it hurts, because those people used to be my friends. It hurts, because I grew up with them. But now I'm just that not-important weird girl, you don't even have to say "hi" to her, because she's fucking awkward. I don't even know if I should be pissed off, or sad. Probably both. Because those people can't do anything else than making a hell from your life.

They'll send you anonymous messages about how stupid you are and how they want to beat you up. They'll laugh at your photos. They'll laugh at things you created and worked hard on it. They'll laugh at that you want to be something more. They'll say bad things about you, so people you never met will know you as "asocial lesbian, who thinks she's so badass and beautiful" or something like that.

Only because of that how do you look or what do you like. I just can't take it no more. They even don't know a single shit about me. They don't know what it's like to be me. I'd wish each one of them to live a one day in my life. I want them to feel that pain, that suffering, I want to see them solving my problems. I want to see them how they'll eat, when they'd be fat like I am. I want to see them laugh, when your family is broken. I want to see them going outside, when they had to take a care about people they love at home.Try to be like me, try to be like us and then fucking speak.

btw. sorry for all the mistakes in the text, English isn't my born language and I'm too tired to write it correctly.

I am wrong, I am down.

It's mine typical time for depressive thoughts. It's the time when everyone's sleeping, when there's only me, hidden in darkness in my room.

I always think about everything for so long. It always starts like that I'm just thinking about stuff what happened and then I start to think about what will happen, what could happen and so on. I think about myself too. Because that's the thing I'm not thinking of a lot in the course of a day.
I'm thinking about that why I'm being so naive and think that I will have a better life one day, when I just can't take this life. And I'm only sixteen. It's been six fucking years already.

Six years of pain. And I just don't know how long I will be able to keep this pain inside. How long I will be able to smile at the others when I cry at night and all I want to is to be someone else. I think that I'm gonna go crazy because of all of this shit. Seriously. I can see how annoying I am, how grumpy and different than I was before. And this is what brought me to panic attacks and anxiety.

It's happening to me more than I was used to. I think it all started one day when I was at grandma's and I was really depressed, because my old friends stopped to talk to me and said bad things about me behind my back. One of them probably, wrote me a message, something like I changed and I'm playing that I'm someone else to be cool. It hurted so fucking bad. I remember how I started to breath fast, went away from my laptop, started to shake, heart beated slow. I was crying on the floor. I woke up my little brother. He came to me and said: "Luce, what are you doing? Go sleep to bed." and he slept with me there, hugging me tight.

I swear, if my little brother wouldn't be there, I would give up in this moment. It always bring me tears to my eyes. And this is how my thoughts are going. Every fucking night. And I'm sick of that already. But I can't help it. So I'm just saying the same things, writing it there, annoy you with them, just to get them out of me. But it's not helping actually. So I don't even know why I'm still trying.

Actually why I'm still TRYING? It'll never be good. It'll go like this forever. This is why nobody can be with me. It'd piss him off, those depressive moods and thoughts, he would probably kill me, if I had someone. So why the fuck am I wondering if I'll find someone one day? I'll die alone. And that makes me sad. Because I can't do anything with that. Even if I tried. I can't. It's in me. Nobody can help it, though. Even I think that the only thing I really wanted was that I want to be loved, I want to know I'm important for someone.

Few days ago I had a weird dream again (maybe it's because of those "I'm gonna beat you up" messages on ask.fm - I don't really care about them already, I just want to know why someone want to beat me up, then he/she can do it, whatever.), so there were some guys and they beated me up. Like seriously beated me up. I was bleeding, everything hurted, I was almost dying. When they left, I fell asleep. And then I wasn't in my body, but I looked at myself in a hospital. And no one came. No one.

Thanks to this dream, I felt more lonely then I ever was. So before I fall asleep now, I just think about this brutal things unfortunately, about being beated up and what persons around me would do. I just really want to know, if there's really someone who would REALLY care.

But that's just my stupid thought, like everything else on this blog. So, you shouldn't even pay attention on that. Everytime I write something, I feel somehow ashamed for that. Sorry.

And now, I think I can go to sleep.
Goodnight.

Show me hidden in layers.

I'm never going to public in my swimsuit. Never.
Everyone look so perfect. Like fucking robots. No, seriously. I looked at those skinny girls and I thought I'm going to explode, because I said yes, when my dad asked me, if I want to go there. Even when I bought swimsuit what hide a lot, it wasn't enough.

I was so ashamed for my body like I never was. Where are those days, when I just said: "So what." and went to swim? They're gone. Forever. I was also paranoid. I thought that everyone's looking at my fat parts. It was, ugh, I just can't do it again. Don't want me to do it.

Maybe I'm not fat, but I feel this way.

Eating disorder

Yes, I think I have an eating disorder, even I thought that it'll never happen to me.
I always was like: "Oh my god, I would never stop eating, it's such a bullshit, you know. I'd rather be fat.". Well and without noticing it, I almost stopped eating. It started like that I wasn't hungry and if I was, I didn't want to eat, because it just disgusted me. Because everytime I eat something, I feel sick.

I know that I'm not that fat. And I don't know why is this happening. I'd like to eat, but I can't, you know? I eat once a day and if something good won't happen, I think my body will be soon without energy to do anything. I've got something fixed in my brain probably. Since those days people called me fat-ass, even people I thought they like me. And maybe after so many years of listening, something in my did "click" and my body changed in this way.

I don't know what to do, I think that when finally I have no problems with other people, I've got problems with me. With my health, with my personality.

What else to say, it sucks guys and I would never ever wish those things what are happening to me to my worst enemy.

Shaking.

Do you know that feel, when you're just like all alone with your thoughts? Like when you thinking about yourself, about what you're doing wrong and why is everything so fucked up?

This is exactly that moment, when I feel so lonely, so fucked up, so stressed out that I'm starting to shake. It's like... I don't even know. I just can't stop it. It's just happening. My heart beating so slow that I think that I'm going to die.

It's not because I'm cold, it's because all the shitty things what are happening. It's because that I just kept this pain locked for so long and didn't tell anyone. It's because I know that I won't feel better. Because there's no way. It's because I feel so lonely, too far away from people who could help me.

And all things I can do is curl up in my bed, forget my name, forget my face, forget that I've ever existed, cry and try to sleep.
This is what if feels like to be me in those moments.

I tried to find out why I'm shaking and I can't stop. Because I really don't wanna to tell someone, so I googled it. I found out that I probably suffer by panic attacks and anxiety. Seriously, this is the "best fucking life" what somebody can have.

Don't know what I'm gonna do with this.

I wish I could be something or somebody else.

Yeah, I'm writing stupid stuff there only when I feel bad. Sorry. But this is why I decided to make this blog. Actually everytime I go there, I hope it's for the last time, but it's never like that. I always come back a write something about how bad I feel.

Just right now. I don't know, my life isn't so bad recently. Problems aren't so great and so on. But the mistake is in me. I don't know why, but with every day I feel more and more useless, annoying little piece of shit. I'm trying to ignore that, but when I stop for a while and start thinking, I really don't like myself. No, I hate myself. Seriously. There's only a few things I like about me, but those things other people don't know and they don't want to.

There's times when I look to the mirror and cry. If I was someone else, I think I would say something like "It's not that bad." well, maybe it's not that bad, but for me is. For no reason... Well, there are reasons.

I think I'm so annoying, so weird, so awkward, more asocial than I was, not important - because no one ever miss me (besides my internet friends probably...), fat-ass, not funny, stupid and so on.
How can I believe in myself more, when I see only this when I look at me. Only people in my real life see it. Internet friends don't see it probably only because I'm more open here. But being open for people in my real life? It's too late. They don't give a fuck about me, and if they do, it's only insults.

And I think it gets "better" with every moment. I think I have some sort of eating disorder. It's been 4 days already since I ate more than only once a day. I'm not hungry. I'm not. I just don't need to eat. But only one person who knows about it is me. (And you know, if you read my shitty thoughts) I think I would get more shit for that than I'm already getting now.

Also yesterday someone wrote my on my ask.fm. Anonymously, of course. It was something about that how someone wants to beat me up. And you know what? I didn't care... I just fucking didn't care if something will happen. It's natural that people have that instinct of self-preservation, right? I didn't had it in this moment. I think I wouldn't even care if they would seriously do it. And maybe I wouldn't even fight back.

Because my self-confidence is lower again. Because I would beat myself too.
Sorry for everything.
Sorry for being me.

Gone.

I was gone for a long time.
I know.

I have no internet, at first. It's really hard for me, because people over the internet keeps me alive. They understand and they don't laugh at me, while I'm talking to them about my problems. So I always miss them. But it's holidays, so I'm staying at grandma's house. And... I even didn't know if I should continue to write those depressive arcticles. I started to write a diary instead. But it didn't last long. Of course nothing changed. Everything's still the same. I'm the same. Or maybe just a little more emotional and sensitive. I feel so nervous recently. I think that when someone tells me something personal, I just start to cry and die.
I have no idea why I feel this way. Well, it's better though. I mean my problems. But I'm not okay. Sometimes I think I need a help. But I don't want to be annoying.

I'm still really confused by myself. I'm depressed, I'm really depressed, but I can hide it. Like a proffesional. And I still lie to myself, it's just an illusion, to make myself feel better for a while. But when I'm alone just with my thoughts, it always ends like that, that I'm sad.

I seriously don't know why I wrote this shit there. I just wanted to do it.
Yes. I'm still alive.

Death.

I'm scared. I am so fucking scared.
When people who do you love, no matter what happen, because they were the one who created you, who gave you life... when they tell you that they want to be dead... it's horrible.
It's like... there's nothing what can make them stay. Even not the kids. I'm not surprised by my depressions when the people who gave me life had fucked up life and personalities.

I'm not afraid of death (well, maybe I am, kind of). I'm not afraid of death when it has something to do with me. It's just... I'm not too important, I never was. It's not like I'm the one who's the head of our "family". But when I'm so scared when someone I love, even I'd like to stop to love this person, say: "I wanted to kill myself yesterday. I didn't know if I should come home." it's like crashing hearts and feelings and that wet trails of tears down on your cheeks.

Aggression, fear, pain.

That's what it feels like to be at home. For everyone. There's no happiness, there's no such a thing like: "It feels like to be home.". How I said, this place where I live is just a big, cold house. With all of these feelings. I want to run away. Every fucking time. But I don't have a place where to go... And if I had, I wouldn't do it.
Because I'm just too stupid to do that.
I care to much to do that.
I'm still naive and I think it gets better, that I'll help it.
But no one feels the same way like me. We're destroyed, we're just cut into pieces. It's not a family. It's just a bunch of few different people. And between them is just biologicall bond. Nothing more.

Yes, feels. But we never showed them. And we'll never do.

I don't know how it'll end. I'm just worried that death is closer than before.

I wanna die to be someone else.

Hey guys.
Of course.
I didn't post anything recently.
Because I was okay.
But I'm not okay.
Not now.
Shaking hands, hard breathing, tears.
That's why I'm here.
Writing about my fucked up feelings.
Again.

So, here we go...

Nothing lives forever. Unfortunately. Not happy moments, especially this. It seems so nice and it gives you hope, you can also feel those forgotten feelings like love and joy. Everything seem colorful. Until that moment you just finally start to live and believe that it gets better. Then the hard slap of destiny is there.

Today is a day a found out I'm just a burden. Unwanted, useless piece of our family. I'm always that girl who just sits with her computer. Girl who is fucking stupid, but acts like an adult. Girl who is just a fat-ass but still eating. Girl, who is just a little piece of shit. And unfortunately that girl lives in this house.

This house is not a home.
Not for me.

Listen to "Home" by Three Days Grace, actually this is how I feel right now. But I don't see anything I do. I'm doing my best to make their lives easier, but they don't care at all. I'm not important. I never was. I don't know why I even think that I could be important one day.

I'm just stupid.
And fucking naive.

At first I thought that it's all because we just fight, that they don't mean it. But when they tell it to you, when they're just all calm, it hurts. Like those fucking razors I wanted to bring back to my life again. Happy I didn't. (2 years withous self-harming... Don't wanna fuck it up, but it's too hard sometimes.)

I don't know. I just think that I'm not that strong as I used to be. I'm weak, emotinal little piece of shit.

Dark.

Somehow I found out that dark is the best place I can be.
Dark freaked me out earlier. When I was little, I saw weird shadows and faces in it.
But now it's just like... safety. When you're alone in the dark, just with your thoughts, with yourself, you learn a lot about you, about your soul. There's no reason why you shouldn't act like the person who you truly are. You don't have to pretend. You just let those emotions inside of you go. Everything it's natural.
You don't care about how do you look, because in the dark it's hidden. And no one can judge you according to your face. It's just like my own world. Sometimes I like to keep the silence around me, but the most of time a listen to my favorite songs and nothing's better than this.
I've got a lot of inspiration... I can write, I can draw and even I feel alone, even I feel sad sometimes, this curtain of dark is comforting me. I'm not afraid. I'm not freaked out. You know, when you're little, you go to your parents' bed, because you're afraid? And when you're next to them it's like nothing can ever touch you? This feeling I've got in this room. And I'm glad to have this feeling, since I was too old to parents' bed.

It's fucking weird that I actually wrote those sentences just about the dark. I never thought I'll write something like this. Well, it's like I'm a psycho and weird. But I'm always weird. And I wanted to write it. I felt like it. And that's why I've got this blog.

Even it's boring and no one cares about it... I feel a lot of better after writing all my emotions out.

It's almost a tradition to leave you with a song, huh?

Neverending scream.

Yesterday was a good day, yeah, but with another day it ends.
No, it doesn't, I only got THESE moments again, even it has nothing to do with myself. But still... It's such a horrible feeling to know that persons who do you love, no matter what, because they gave you life, it's horrible feeling to hear them scream at each other, it's horrible to know that inside each of them is hate and pain. And their pain is also our pain. We're connected and I'll never have a happy memories for my childhood, or teenage years.
My memories will be dark, only with few light moments. All I could see would be my dark room, posters and screen, all I could hear would be music I love and scream and all I could feel would be pain and tears.
And all of these depressive, psycho thoughts would be only in my head, screaming at me to infinity. And that's everything what I've got. And the true is that I don't even try to change this. It's horrible to know that I'd rather feel like this than be happy and pretend there's nothing I should care of. I think that I don't even want to be like that. I can't pretend.

And it's there again... nothing. I feel nothing.

I don't feel sad anymore. But I don't feel happy.

During writing this it stopped. That scream stopped, for a while. That scream what hear everybody. But not that scream inside of me, it's neverending. But I can live with it.

I know that everything I write probably has no sense. But what article frome has some sense, right? I'll rather stop writing, I already write some shitty stuff. I'll leave you again with some song, to skip that awkward silence.

Today was a good day...

...After really long time.
Maybe it's just because of that I was in the school for the last time this week and holidays starts. Goodbye school, see you next Tuesday. Or maybe it's because of my amazing friends who support me no matter what, maybe it's because of you, maybe it's because of the Sleeping With Sirens, Pierce The Veil, The Used and My Chemical Romance (even it's still somehow painful to listen to them) and so on...
I really don't care.
But I'm glad for that. I feel finally better and it's just amazing. I don't care if it's on while again, but I'll try to stay positive as long as it'll be possible.

I really don't know what to say. I got no news or something, it was kinda normal and boring day in my life. So I'm all relaxed, looking on the screen. Oh, yeah, I'm sick, but it's nothing new, because I'm sick like all the winter and it just sucks. Where the fuck the spring weather is? I hate this winter/spring part between it, because I'm still sick because of cold, but also my allergy starts -_- (Yeah, I'm allergic to almost everything, cats, dogs, dust, feather, flowers...) But I'll be the whole holidays at home probably.

Crying over the bands, drinking tea, reading, writing, drawing, talk to my amazing internet friends... It sounds like a good plan.

I don't know what else to say, because I could start just talk about random shit and you don't want it, believe me. So, there's my song of the moment for a goodbye.

Have a great day.
Love,
Luce.

Blind.

It felt better today, though.
But I think I'll have some problem with buses. No, seriously, everytime I sit there and look trough the window, I feel so depressed, or something. And when's there some "friend" and asks me stuff, it's like... ugh... I'll tell him/her the true and then she/he looks at me like I'm a psycho, or something, or I'm just over-dramatic. (They all think that I'm depressed because my favorite band broke up, but I seriously get over it already.) I'm weird, but I think you already found out.

I'm seriously weird. Like, I always go and look on the people and think about their lives, like, why are they sad, or why are they angry, what personalities they can have. It's probably because I'm asocial. No, I'm not asocial, I can talk to people, be friends with them. Maybe I'm just watcher. Not stalker. Watcher. But still weird. And awkward.

But it's better be weird and awkward than be depressed.

I sat on my desk with my dear friend today, I laughed a lot. Everything were unicorns, rainbows, hot rock guys and bands and music and everything I needed. I finally getting better. Maybe not for long, but still - I'm glad for these moments. Even I have those times, when I just think about that everything's bad. And when I just remind it, I just stop laugh and think.

And sometimes I'm all like:

Why I should to look at the world like it's somethng beautiful, some nice place, where to live, when there's so much pain, suffering and fights? Should I act like there are no problems? Why? Just to make myself feel better? Be naive and lie to myself?

Maybe that's why I'm still so upset, because I just can't do that no more, lie to myself. But I can't get over those bad things and I can't see the good things, even if I try hard. I'd like to see that life isn't just black and white. It can be amazing too, but I just can't see it recently, just in few moments. That's my problem, though.

And that's why I'm complaining, because I'm really confused by myself, all that crappy love teenage stuff and problems and happiness, then depressions, it's like I'm not sure who I really am, or who the fuck are people around me? But, we have to understand ourselves before we'll try to understand the others, right?

This generation.

Few days, or weeks ago, I really don't know, I don't even care about the time. I was on the way home. I had actually great day with one of my friends, but I wanted to be at home, drink tea and listen to music, because it was really cold outside.
At square was some bunch of little kids, they could be around 8-12. But they yelled at each other and they seemed quite agressive, so I decided to go other way. It was almost evening and I really wanted to get home. And when I was almost there I heard their voices behind me. I speeded up my walking. I never had fear of kids in this age. Like, I'm 16, right? Why I should be afraid of them?
And then I heard: "Hey guys, let's invade her."
But I kept walking, I was naive and I hoped they meant someone else. But yeah, it was only me in this street. And then there was little boy, around ten and he had a fucking knife. I was shocked, scared, I stopped walking and then I just looked at him and he fucking started to laugh and made fun of me. Like... what the fuck? Then I turned around and the others was just like him. I kept my mouth shut, because I didn't know how to react. Should I say that they're dumb? But they could get agressive.
Should I start to scream? Or something? Instead of it I was just standing there, watching them laugh. After some minutes I turned around to go home and I was thinking about it. When I was in their age, I played with dolls, later I watched Naruto and I had a respect to older people. I really don't get it. I don't say that every in this generation is bad, but it makes me sick that there's kids like this.

I dunno why I wrote it there. Maybe I'm just too emotional and over-dramatic and care too much. But I just felt like it. I write everything what come to my mind, this is why I've got this blog, so I'll make this article a little longer.

In few last days I felt quite good. (Not at the weekend, because of MCR broke up) But after some time it hits me again. I really don't know why I just can't get over this. There's milions of people who suffer more than me and they're stronger than me. Maybe it's just too long, so I can't handle it. No more. It's been six years... At those times I thought: "Don't worry, it'll be better in few months.", when I was 12 I thought: "Well, after year it'll be fine." and now I don't even hope, I'll rather go and write my feelings there, cry in the shower, listen to sad songs and draw because it's better than believe in something that probably doesn't exist, like at all.

I don't know what I should write, because I know I can be seriously really annoying and I fuck up everything I start, I'll stop writing and go to sleep.

To everyone who's just like me: stay strong, you're not in this alone.

Love,
Luce.

Rainy mood.

I think I'm getting sick of everything.
Today is Monday, that means school. I was actually a little bit excited to see my friend, because she always cheers me up, no matter what. I woke up early and then I fell asleep again and of course I woke up late.
And there was no rush. Like - in ten minutes I had to go to bus, but instead of it, I was just looking at me to the mirror, or outside. I always panic, but I was calm and it was weird, but I had no need to rush. Like if there's nothing what I should pay attention at.
I also found the time to sit to my computer and read Gerard Way's goodbye letter. (I won't lie, I love MCR and it was fucking huge painful weekend for me and mcrmy, but I won't tell you how much devastated I was, because I finally got over it, after reading that Gerard's article.)
And when I had to go, I felt somehow doubtfully when I opened the door. I wanted to turn back and stay at home. I wanted to throw up like I did at the weekend. But I stepped out of the door and started to run. In my head was nothing, just emptiness, while I was running, it was like I was running from my problems and I felt free.
Of course, bus was already there, when I arrived, but I caught it and went to school. I sat there and I everytime when people rather stayed than sit next to me, I felt like I'm also weird to absolute strangers in the bus. The whole time I looked down at my hands and realized that I was shaking. I think I could look like I'm on drugs or something.
At school I met my friends and everything was so shiny. I laughed a lot, but then I just stopped and I was like: "It's too soon for laughing." because of my problems, because of the situations and I felt bad because I fucking smiled. It was like I'm acting like someone else, just not to disappoint my friends, like if I was wearing a mask. I really felt sick. My friend founds out and she fucking stroked my hair and asked me why I'm sad and I wasn't able to reply, because I was about to cry, so I just told her I'll be okay and smiled. I think I'll never be able to talk about my problems with someone in reality without hysteric crying.
After long day I finally went to bus stop. I was there alone with a few people and started to think why I am acting so weird recently. Why I cry for no reason and why everything's fucked up and why I can't do anything. And why all around me look so happy, like they didn't see all the problems, all the pain.
It was cold today. And I felt even more cold, when I thought about all of this shit. Finally bus arrived and I sat to the same seat like in the morning. I was looking out of the window and suddenly my eyes started to fill with tears. And I never cry in public, I feel ashamed. So I just bit my lip and tried to stay calm. I got out from the bus at the one bus stop earlier. I went on the way, where I won't meet too much people, but it's longer to get home, but I really didn't care.
After closing the door of my house and my room, I cried for a while, then I decided to say "Hi" to dad. I really don't know what's wrong with me. Of course I know it's because all of the problems, but I don't know how others can deal with it.
And I felt sick. Sick of that I'm the only one in our family who cares. Who wants to end this pain. But instead of finding the solution, I sit in dark in my room and listen to sad songs. And also listening the rain on rainymood.com , because it makes me calm. I miss summer storms. I feel so tired of the winter and also it makes me more depressed.
I feel so empty.
So broken.

Untitled.

It'll be okay, they said.
But it wasn't. And it never will be. It's worse and worse with each upcoming day. This feel of emptiness just because of destroyed childhood is more painful that I ever thought. It hits me everytime and everyday and I'm losing my hope of better tomorrows and everything seems to be so black and white to me.

But I have light moments. I can laugh and smile and everything like this. But it's always only for few minutes. When I'm alone, it's so horrible. Everywhere is silence around me and thoughts in my head are screaming. I think that this will never leave me. It's been six fucking years already. And I can't take it no more. No one here can take it. It's the end. We all suffer. But we can't go, because of that fucking bond what's between us.

And I feel so fucking stupid that there's nothing I can do to make us feel better. I always think that everything's my fault, that I can't fix it. But I actually gave it up a long time ago, because there's nothing what just stupid teenager like me can do than complaining, yelling but no one will hear. No one will listen.

So why am I still trying to pretend that everything's okay?

Annoying human being.

I just feel stupid. Like for no reason. I feel like the only thing I can do is being annoying. And I know I am annoying. Still complaining about my life, fangirling, saying stupid things. I can't help it. I still wonder how someone could create something like me. And it hurts me even more when I found out that my "creators" found me stupid and annoying too.

I just feel useless, like if I was just some sort of mistake, or maybe they wanted me to be different person. And instead of a dream girl, they've got that silly moody teenager, who locks herself in her room and spend all her free time with fangirling, crying over the bands, living the virtual life.

And sometimes I feel ashamed for being like this. I know, I shouldn't act like I have the biggest problems in the world, when there's the kids who suffer even more, or world promblems etc.

I'm sick of everything, I'm sick of this life, I'm sick of everyone, I'm sick of myself.

I'm just a little piece of shit.

We're in this together

There's another day. Another day when I sit early in the morning in the darkness of my room, where only light comes from my laptop. And I'm just thinking - why am I so serious? Why I can't laugh and be just happy and don't feel bad for that? Where those days when I didn't care about anything. Well, maybe I'm just too emotional, but which teen girl isn't?

I won't act like someone else, just because I'm afraid to show my feelings. Even this makes me called "emo" and "girl who acts she has a depression". Sometimes... I just felt so alone. Like there's no one I could talk to. And then I came on the internet and everything was better. I know I'm maybe addicted. But who cares? Thanks to people I met there, I'm better person, I know there's people just like me and even I love them and it makes me sick that so awesome people have to suffer just like me, we're in this together and we'll still helping each other, even we didn't see each other in reality. But do I want this? I mean, magic of this whole internet and save thing would be gone, but sometimes I feel so down that everything I wanna do is hug those people and never let them go. This bond is stronger than I might think.

Just thanks to you I won't give up, I'll keep trying to survive. Thank you for everything. You're my whole world, the only light in my rainy days.

Hope

When you just can't take this no more, what would you do? Crying for no reason. Yeah, it's the most possible way how to feel better. You feel so unuseful, not important like if there's nothing that make you smile again. And even you know that it still could be worse, you're complaning. Complaining about everything, because it just hurts. And no one hear you scream. No one will understand. But you're still hoping it gets better. Maybe it's just a dream, or maybe it's really naive idea what came to your mind. But only those dreams keep you alive. Even it's not true and you know it.

You know, you'll never be like the others. You know that this part of your life would be still there, inside of you, marking you.

It just sucks how much I want to have life like every other girl in my age, have their stupid little problems. Sometimes I ask myself: "What did I do?. Maybe it's just my destiny to be drown in pain, to be left by your close friends, to be all alone, to be lonely, to be completely unable to feel. I'm there to suffer. To feel sick everytime I look at the others, everytime I look at my life, everytime I look at myself. I don't feel important. And I'll never be.

It's almost natural to me.

It's natural to cry every night, then pretend everything's alright, maybe trying to forget, but in one second it's all back. And then I sit in the dark, unable to speak. Only to write empty words with no meaning, just to feel better for a moment, so I could go to sleep.

Sometimes I wish to never wake up. I'd rather stay in one of my nightmares than be in this: growing up without happiness, without love. Only with hope.